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The resignation in her voice cuts deeper than I expected. I want to tell her she's wrong, that I want her to be a part of every aspect of my life. But the words stick in my throat. Because isn't this what I wanted? To keep her separate, unsullied by the darkness of my world?
"I should go," Sydney says softly when I remain silent. "I have some work to catch up on. Enjoy your coffee."
As she turns to leave, panic wells up in my chest. I can't let her walk away, not like this. Not when everything inside me is screaming to hold her close.
"Wait," I say, my voice coming out as more of a growl than I intended. Sydney freezes, her hand on the doorknob. "Stay. Please."
She turns back slowly, her eyes wary but hopeful. "Avros?"
I close the distance between us in two long strides, cupping her face in my hands. "I'm sorry," I murmur, my thumbs tracing the delicate line of her cheekbones. "You're right. After everything we've shared, you deserve more than evasions and half-truths."
Sydney's breath hitches, her hands coming up to rest lightly on my chest. "Then talk to me," she pleads softly. "Let me in, Avros. Whatever it is, we can face it together."
For a moment, I'm tempted. The urge to unburden myself, to share the weight of my decisions with this remarkable woman, is almost overwhelming. But then I think of Lance Halloway, of the choice I still have to make. Of the darkness that lives inside me, the brutality I'm capable of.
I can't taint Sydney with that. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
So instead, I do the only thing I can think of to distract us both. I kiss her.
It's not gentle or sweet. It's a claiming, a branding. I pour all my frustration, my desire, my growing need for her into the kiss. Sydney makes a soft sound of surprise against my lips before melting into me, her arms winding around my neck.
I walk her backwards until her back hits the bookshelf, swallowing her gasp as I press my body flush against hers. One hand tangles in her hair while the other grips her hip, holding her in place as I ravage her mouth.
Sydney meets my passion with her own, her nails scraping lightly against my scalp in a way that sends shivers down my spine. When I finally break the kiss, we're both breathing hard.
"Avros," she pants, her lips swollen and eyes glazed with desire. "What?—"
"Shh," I murmur, nuzzling into the crook of her neck. I inhale deeply, letting her scent wash over me, grounding me. "Don't talk. Just let me have this moment."
I feel her nod, her fingers carding gently through my hair. We stand like that for long minutes, just breathing each other in. I know I'm only delaying the inevitable. That sooner or later, I'll have to make a choice between the man I've always been and the man Sydney makes me want to be.
But for now, I let myself get lost in her warmth, in the steady beat of her heart against my chest. Tomorrow, I'll deal with Lance Halloway. Tomorrow, I'll face the consequences of my choices.
Tonight, I just want to hold Sydney close and pretend, for a little while longer, that I'm worthy of her love.
As if reading my thoughts, Sydney pulls back slightly, her hand coming up to cup my cheek. "Whatever it is," she says softly, her eyes shining with a trust I don't deserve, "we'll figure it out together. Okay?"
I nod, not trusting my voice. But even as I lean in to capture her lips once more, a cold certainty settles in my gut.
I'm going to have to make a choice. And soon. Because I can't keep living in both worlds forever. Something's got to give.
And when it does, I pray that Sydney will still look at me the way she does now. With hope. With trust. With love.
But a darker part of me, the part I've tried so hard to keep hidden from her, whispers that I'm fooling myself. That once she sees the true extent of what I'm capable of, she'll run screaming.
As we break apart, both breathless and flushed, I make a decision. I'll give myself one more day. One day to pretend that I'm not going to do the inevitable. Not going to make the call, put out the hit.
For Sydney. For the man she believes me to be.
I look down at Sydney, memorizing every detail of her face. The curve of her cheek, the sparkle in her green eyes, the soft bow of her lips. I want to remember her like this. Before everything changes.
"I should go," I say roughly, stepping back. "There are some things I need to take care of."
Sydney nods, a flicker of confusion passing over her features. "Alright. Will I see you for dinner?"
"Of course,krasotka," I reply, forcing a smile. "I wouldn't miss it."
As she leaves the study, I turn back to my desk. To the file on Lance Halloway that could destroy everything.
