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When I don’t respond, he nods.
“Yeah, me neither.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
Before I can register the gentle touch of his hand on my jaw, I’m looking into those deep brown eyes only a few inches in front of me. They’re heated in a way that tells me an apology isn’t what he wants from me.
“Tell me what you could possibly think you have to be sorry for.”
Thanks to the weeks I’ve spent alone and overthinking, I have plenty of words to get out.
“For everything. For all the times I didn't answer the door, and all the times Idid. For letting things get as bad as they were, not being able to stay away from you. For not listening to your mommonthsago.”
His jaw clenches. “What did my mom say to you?”
“Nothing that hasn’t been implied every time she sees us together. I’m something she wants to protect you from.”
He shakes his head a couple times, but it’s not an answer to me. He takes his time processing my words, thinking them through.
“She thinks she knows something."
I look up at him, and he sees the question before I ask it.
“She told me there’s something I don’t know.”
“Which is?”
He shakes his head again. “I don’t know, it was that night. We were arguing. I didn’t ask.”
I watch him continue to be stuck in his head. Of course I’m curious, I’d love to know why Amelia feels the way she does about me. Whatever the reason, it can’t possibly be as bad as my brain is making it out to be.
But I’m not as curious as he is, losing the moment like he’s a detective hoping for a breakthrough. I’m almost standing there long enough that it’s awkward. I almost want to back away, but then suddenly he’s present again. His eyes meet mine and he steps forward, putting his hands on my arms.
“You’re not the only one who couldn't stay away. I'm the one that kissed you. Twice. Do you think I should be apologizing to you?”
“Well, no, but it’s— We were just drinking that first time, and then—” I don’t know what I was planning to say, the words aren’t in my head.
We built a connection, it’s obvious we did.
“It wasn’t just because we were drinking. I didn’t want to look away that first day at this fucking store.” He gestures to the empty aisle beside him. “I didn’t want to pretend I wasn’t staring, but I did. I thought that was the right thing to do. If I could go back in time, I’d change things. I’d tell you that you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I’d ask you out on a date instead of to catch up. I’d hope my brother wouldn’t be a factor in your response.”
“He would’ve been,” I say quickly. Before he gets a chance to keep making my heart swell. “I’d love to pretend he’s not a factor, but that’s our reality. It's too complicated.”
“It doesn’t have to be complicated.”
“It does. We don’t get to decide that."
“Iamdeciding it. I’m not going anywhere, Autumn. I’m choosing you.” His grip tightens just enough to emphasize his words. “I want you. We can figure out the rest of it.”
“I’m not worth it,” I say shakily. “I’m not worth a single argument with your mom, or the million arguments you’d have with Justin when he finds out.”
His eyes widen, and every cell in my body is begging not to stick around for his response. I am suddenly very aware of how often I end up in flight mode, and I don’t want to anymore. I want to have this conversation, and hope it gives us what we need in order to move on.
“I want what you said to be true,” I continue. “That I’ll be wanted in any room you’re in… but what if your family is in that room too? They will be. Often. As they should be, because they love you the way you deserve.”
He's so lucky to have that.
He brushes a teardrop away as soon as it falls to my cheek. The simple touch makes me feel so alive, I'm tempted to forget the consequences and lean into his touch. But I don't, because my anxiety over the situation has settled deep in my bones. I feel it everywhere, it’s everything. I don’t expect him to understand, but I wish he did.
