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But that only appears to confuse him, and I watch the lines form between his brows as he thinks. What I wouldn’t give to know what was running through his head.
“I have even more questions now,” he admits.
Well, I’m going to make him wait a minute before he gets to ask them. I grab my water, guzzling it down as if it’ll make my stomach stop churning.
It must be nice to live life without anxiety that makes you feel physically sick.
“Okay,” I begin with a nod. “Ask what’s on your mind,butI can refuse to answer if I think it might… cross a boundary. It’s been two days, hardly enough time to risk messing that up now, don’t you think?”
I surprise myself with how believable I sound.
“Agreed.” He looks away for a second, hand on his chin in contemplation. I reluctantly admit to myself that he looks like he belongs in a museum, as some perfectly sculpted statue for everyone to admire. It would be such a win that I’m the only one that gets to admire him right now, if I was actually allowed to.
“Why’d you give me green eyes?”
“Girls love green eyes. Next.”
“Well that makes me feel adequate,” he mumbles sarcastically. I want to add that I’m not one of those girls, that I could stare into his deep brown eyes all day, but that’s definitely on the inappropriate list. “What made you do it?”
Well that went from zero to one hundred really fast.
“I think I’m not allowed to answer that.”
“You said you were a teenager, that doesn’t count.” The intense look in his eyes tells me that’s bullshit. He knows a fraction of what I’m going to say, that much is obvious.
“If you repeat any of this, or give me any crap for it…” I don’t finish the thought because I don’t know how to. I hide my face in my hands, not wanting his reaction, and hope he can hear me through them. Though it wouldn’t be so bad if he couldn’t. “I used to have a crush on you. You were nice to me after everything that happened... and I was young, and naive, and I didn’t have any friends. You were the only person that didn’t letme push you away, so I romanticized the crap out of it.” I don’t move my hands. I stare down at my lap waiting for him to say something, which unfortunately takes a while.
I have plenty of time to let my mind wander to negative places.
I hear rustling from his end of the couch, which causes me to finally lift my head. He’s standing now, but not looking at me. I realize I’m slightly shaking as he makes his way towards my front door and starts slipping on his shoes.
Fuck.I should have refused to answer that one. It definitely feels like I broke a rule.
I shouldn’t be so hurt that he’s following them, buthe asked.He told me it didn’t count.
He pauses with a hand on the doorknob. “Can I call you when I get home? I need a minute.”
I slowly nod in response, even though the eye contact is still nonexistent. All I get as a goodbye is a clipped smile.
17
Autumn
Iknow Ishouldbe fine, it’s not like I’m his girlfriend or anything, but I’m not fine. I feel so dumb.
“Autumn Owens, you need to get it together,” I tell my reflection in the mirror. I don’t think she’s hearing me very well. “He might have a good reason for all you know! Stop jumping!”
Still nothing. I‘ve jumped to all kinds of conclusions since I first woke up twenty minutes ago.
I have to get ready for work with absolutely no energy to do so. The only thing that gets me through my makeup routine is more yelling into the mirror.
I still feel like a zombie when I eventually drag myself out of my apartment and into my car.
One bright side of the ice covering my windows on this freezing morning is that none of my neighbors can see the mini-meltdown I might have in my driver's seat. I have at least a couple minutes to sit here while everything defrosts, and I spend it with my forehead against the steering wheel.
I wish I could have the same mindset he does right now. I wish I could stop thinking about him. I wish I didn’t have the urge to message him and beg for an explanation every five seconds.
I know why none of that is possible, and it makes my chest hurt.
