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My hands dip down, sliding through the slick crease between my legs, and I can’t help but whimper, the sound echoing around me in the shower.
In my waking dream, Reid’s hands reach out for me and draw me close, pull me in against his body. They rove and touch and caress as our tongues duel before he pushes me back and brings himself over me. He blocks out the light, blocks out anything but him, his hips coming between my legs and grinding against me.
My fingers circle my clit, my forehead pressed against the tile wall. Fuck, it feels so good. So good, so good to feel this spark between my legs again after so long without it. Desire pools in my belly and I rotate my hips, searching for the move or thought orsomethingthat will take me over the edge.
But the longer I hover there, the longer I imagine Reid and me in bed, the more frustrated I become, because I can’t get there. I can’t get there on my own. I’ve never been able to. No matter how…desperate or needy I feel.
When the water begins to cool, I let out a frustrated growl and finally give up, washing quickly then storming out of the shower. As I dry off and slip on a pair of panties and a tank top for bed, I become more and more infuriated with myself.
I didn’t mean to re-cast Reid in the role of ‘hot guy’ in my fantasies, but he is quickly beginning to take on that position and I don’t know what to do to stop it. Maybe swearing off men until Junie is in college was the wrong move. Maybe I just need to swear off relationships.
There can’t be any harm in enjoying some sexy time with a faceless man, right? Someone who can take the edge off for me—get off himself—and then we exchange high fives instead of phone numbers?
When I return to the bathroom and begin brushing my hair, my eyes scan over my body with critical eyes. I haven’t had sex with anyone since Jay. It was good sex, don’t get me wrong, butit was with a man who treated me like shit. A man Iallowedto treat me like shit for far too long before I cut him out of my life as much as was possible.
My body is desperate to be treated right, desperate to be craved, and worshipped, and brought over the brink.
But the idea of no-strings sexy times feels a lot more daunting than it did when I was in college and having the time of my life. I had quite a few one-night stands with absolutely no cares about whether or not the guy was using me to get off, because I was doing the same.
Now, it feels a whole lot more intimidating. My heart is shaped differently now than it used to be. When I was younger, it was kept safely behind a wall and in a cage surrounded by a moat that no man could penetrate.
Then I had a daughter, and after plenty of time in therapy, I realized if I kept my heart walled off like that, I wouldn’t be able to be the mom she needs me to be. One who can be honest and open with her, who can love her with her whole heart. Doing that makes me feel so much more vulnerable, and you can’t be vulnerable with a one-night stand. That’s the whole point.
So just as quickly as my mind dabbles in the idea of taking a night for myself and going to Lucky’s to find some fun, I flip right back to my original plan.
No men until Junie’s 18.
I’ll survive. Nobody ever died from lack of sex.
At least, I hope not.
I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
chapter ten
Reid
I swing Junie up high, her giggles echoing around us as we walk along the mostly flat path I selected for our hike.
“Again!” she calls out, and I indulge her, ignoring the fatigue of my muscles.
“Junie, I’m sure Mr. Reid is tired of throwing you in the air,” Busy says. “How about we try walking for a bit?”
“No! Again!”
I grin and look at Busy. “With Marie’s kids, I’d just keep tossing them. But if you want her to walk, I can put her down.”
Busy shrugs. “Up to you. I’m not the one who is going to have dead arms later.” Her eyes scan briefly over my muscles, and I decide once more can’t hurt.
I toss Junie up one more time then set her on the ground. “Alright, let’s race,” I tell her. “Fastest one to that rock up there wins a prize.”
“Yay!” Junie says, charging ahead of us with Sydney tottering along at her side.
Then I look to Busy again. “Fair warning—I haven’t thought of a prize yet.”
She laughs. “Pluck a flower or something. She’s easy.”
I glance around, spotting some wild geraniums in a nearby bush and tugging a couple free. Busy gives me a thumbs-up, and when Junie reaches the rock that’s maybe 50 feet in front of us and spins around, I hold the flowers up in the air. “Junie wins!”
