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I’d certainly thought about leaving before I actually did, but I hadn’t told him, not a single time. That would have led down a dark road. Did I talk in my sleep?
If he thought his pressure would get me to cave and return to him, he was dead wrong. All this did was make me more determined, more angry, and more sure that leaving had been the right thing.
Anyway, I was back to square one, so I started by creating a new persona for myself. DarkOverlord666 was available, but I chose TheLordSauron to add degrees of separation.
Trying several introductory contacts under my new persona yielded disappointing results. Being asked to list prior projects was the first stumbling block, and it got worse when they wanted references. I couldn’t use DarkLord666. Kevin was busy poisoning that well.
After an hour or so, it was obvious that as a new entity to these companies, I wasn’t going to be offered the level of project I’d done before. More importantly, even the process of landing a simple starter gig would take weeks—time I didn’t have.
Plan B meant an uncomfortable call to Grace.
“I would, but we don’t have any money to spare,” she responded after I told her I needed money. “We’re still three thousand short for the next IVF cycle.”
“But the trip?” I knew I sounded accusatory as soon as I said the words.
She laughed. “Boone is paying for the whole thing. I meaneverything. He even gave us a credit card for meals and incidentals. Mr. Slaughter negotiated it as a part of the sale.”
“Oh.” I should have said that was nice of him, but praising Boone Benson wasn’t in my character.
“You should ask him for a loan,” Grace suggested. “He’s such a nice guy.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“I’m sure he’d help if you asked.”
She obviously didn’t know the Boone I knew.
“I need a job,” I told her. “Where can you recommend I try?”
“I don’t know… It’s the wrong time of year,” Grace said. “Businesses are preparing to scale down for the off season. Nobody’s hiring.”
I sighed. “Grace, I really need this. I don’t have enough money left to get to Mom’s.”
“Maybe you should have planned better before throwing this tantrum,” she said coldly.
There it was, my penalty for painting a rosy picture of my life with Kevin. Grace had dated him a few times years ago, though not long enough to see his dark side. I’d reinforced her misperception because I was ashamed of my situation.
“Yeah.” Ihadplanned well, but I was guilty of not anticipating how big a shit Kevin would be and how quickly.
“This is the cost of being impulsive,” Grace continued. “You should plan on going back sooner rather than later.”
“No way.”
“It looks to me like a sign that subconsciously, you didn’t really want to leave.”
She didn’t get it. And that was my fault. “I’m not going back.” But I couldn’t explain how bad Kevin had been without acknowledging my part in it for tolerating his abuse all this time.
“It always looks worst right after a fight,” she said.
It had taken me until just recently to understand the wordabuse, and how it applied to how Kevin had treated me. Nobody else saw it. It all took place behind closed doors, and he never hit me, never left a mark someone could see. Instead of physical hits, it had been long, slow, methodical mental ones. I carried scars all the same.
“He misses you terribly,” Grace added, pulling me back from my self-recriminations.
“What?” I half yelled. “You talked to him?”
“He called, and he’s very distraught. I think you should try to work it out.”
“I can’t.”
