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The side of her face burned under the intensity of his gaze. He sighed and looked forward. The silence went from screaming to awkward to tormenting. "Please say what you need to say, Rukem."
“Are you quitting the Academy?”
She stared blindly out the window. “I don't know what I'm doing,” she muttered. “I just...like helping people and somehow it always bites me in the ass. You want to know about Keith Grimes, I'll tell you.”
“I don't want to know about him, I want to know about you.”
“You want to know how I could be so stupid? That would be the question you and I will never get the answer for, I've asked it a million times till my self-esteem was six feet under with no resurrection in sight.” She covered her mouth when pain closed her throat then finally forced the words out. “I was desperate for things I needed and wanted but couldn't ever seem to get,” she whispered, forcing her breaths to come out steady.
“What things did you want and need?”
“Why does it matter?” she gasped, looking at him. “Do you want to analyze me, find out what's broken in me so you can fix it?”
“Is that so bad? To want to help you?”
“Help me? Is that what you want to do? Why not leave my past in the past, that would help me.”
“It doesn't help me understand what you need and want.”
“Well, that's not where you're going to learn that.”
“Then where will I learn it?”
“What do you want from me? I'm here to help you do a job, that's what you hired me for, Rukem, not to troubleshoot my life or sexual hangups.”
“It's the job that's running into these things, I'm not looking for them.”
She turned in her seat, facing him. “No? What part of the job required you to dig into my past like this?”
“Every part,” he said. “It's standard protocol to know our employees, I told you this.”
“Wow,” she said, facing forward again. “Okay, you know now. Your employee is a fucking idiot, now what's next on the agenda? I've learned my lesson, I've rebuilt everything I could and I'm trying to have a new life with a job I love. Will I ever get that Rukem or will you force me to fight my demons all over again? If you do this, I would at least like to know why, why would you do this to me, require this of me, what purpose does it have in my job with you?”
“I want to know what you need and want so I can ensure you get it,” he muttered, making her heart stutter in her chest then dump a bucket of acid in her stomach.
“And what if what I need and want goes beyond the job description, Rukem?”
“I can't answer that until I know.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, looking out the window.Tell him and get it over with. What's the worst that can happen? He could fire you. You'd be back where you started. Which was on a path forged with your own blood, guts, gumption and God.
She feared no man. She bowed to no man. She needed no man. Her wants and her needs were hers to keep and protect, to answer and meet in her time, when she was ready if she ever was. There was nothing wrong with the needs and wants she had, they were normal and natural and healthy. “I wanted stability in my life. I wanted a man who looked at me and thought I was beautiful, a man that wanted to protect me and love me. I wanted to feel safe and secure, to have somebody I could run to when I was scared, to hide in when life shit-stormed. Somebody to show me I was safe and loved no matter what. I had never imagined that could be experienced through sexuality. I trusted and let a man groom me to such disgusting depths that it took only one act of affection to keep me bound. Then I began to find pleasure in this sick abuse because I was convinced I deserved it, he convinced me I deserved it. The security and love I needed was fed to me in the form of physical restraints and sexual pain and I learned to love it even while I knew, I knew,” she strained, pissed, “that it was so wrong. But all I cared about was getting the barest minimum. That's what I'd been reduced to. A pat on the head, a single word of praise then back to round the clock psychological warfare, starvation on all levels, and betrayal of such great depths, it shattered your soul till you couldn’t find yourself.”
The car became a prison of shame and regret so heavy she could hardly breathe.
“How did you get out?” he barely whispered.
She swallowed, fighting to get the air in and out of her lungs, wiping the silent tears from her face. “In between my moments in hell, I would occasionally have some clarity. And I'd pray and ask God to help get me out. Give me the strength to leave because I saw the lies, I saw the cycle and I knew it was a vicious one I was stuck in. And I knew I would need to be delivered from my own self to escape it. And then one night, I woke up with the realization that it was time to go. It was...so strange. Like looking all around you and seeing the fire burning and there's a single path out and you know 'that's the path.' You don't wonder if you should take it, you do without even thinking. There was no fear, no torment, no mind games, just me knowing what I needed to do and being able to do it. I knew what I was feeling was an anomaly but I also knew I was supposed to act on it and I did. And I never looked back other than to learn from my mistakes so as to never make them again.”
“What did you learn?” he asked, still very quiet.
“Never to trust a man no matter how beautiful and kind, and caring they seem.”
Another round of silence filled the car.
“Do you think there will ever be a man who can meet those needs you have?”
“Had. The first step in healing was to learn how to fulfill my own needs. If I can't fill them then I don't keep them.”
