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It’s been ten days since I’ve seen Angelo, and the ache in my chest feels like a physical wound. I miss him so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.
But this is for the best, I remind myself. If I’m not with him, Gino won’t target him anymore. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself, even as doubt gnaws at the edges of my resolve.
A door slams, and I hear Lou stomping around in her room. She’s been so angry lately, refusing to let me walk her to school. “I only want Angelo,” she declared the first morning we moved into Zip’s apartment, her chin jutting out defiantly.
I don’t have the energy to argue. Truth is, I don’t have energy for much of anything these days. I’m constantly tired, a bone-deep exhaustion that no amount of sleep seems to cure. And the nausea… it comes in waves, leaving me dizzy and weak.
I should probably see a doctor, but the thought of leaving the apartment fills me with dread. What if Gino is watching? What if he decides to make good on his threats?
So instead, I stay here, trapped in this self-imposed exile. I tell myself it’s for Angelo’s protection, for Lou’s. But in my darkest moments, I wonder if I’m just being a coward.
Zip is disappointed in me—I could hear it in his voice when I explained the situation to him. His voice is stronger now, but I can still hear the disappointment underlying his words. He doesn’t say it outright, but I know he thinks I’m making a mistake by pushing Angelo away.
Maybe he’s right. But I can’t bring myself to face that possibility right now.
“How’s Nonno?” Lou asks, peeking her head into the room. I’m surprised she’s willingly talking to me, but it’s better than her ignoring me and being sullen and defiant.
I force a smile. “He’s doing much better. The nurse at Grandma Cher’s is taking good care of him.”
Lou’s eyebrows shoot up. “I still can’t believe Grandma Cher is being nice.”
Neither can I, to be honest. It’s so unlike my mother to be selfless, to open her home and pay for round-the-clock care. Part of me wonders if our last confrontation finally got through to her, if she’s trying to make amends.
But another part of me, a larger part, is too tired to care. My mother’s sudden change of heart doesn’t erase years of neglect and disappointment.
“People can surprise you sometimes,” I say to Lou, not sure if I believe it myself.
There’s a knock at the door, and my heart lurches. It’s Angelo, I know it.
Lou grabs her backpack and tells me goodbye, leaving me alone in this empty apartment.
I can almost feel Angelo’s arms around me, hear his voice telling me everything will be okay.
But he’s not here. And it’s my fault.
A wave of nausea hits me, and I stumble to the bathroom. As I retch into the toilet, tears streaming down my face, a terrifying thought occurs to me.
When was my last period?
The realization hits me like a punch to the gut. No. It can’t be. Not now. Not when everything is falling apart.
But as I sink to the bathroom floor, my hand unconsciously moving to my stomach, I know.
Everything has just gotten a whole lot more complicated.
I message Shawn.
Can you come over? Please?
Of course. You okay?
No.
I stareat the two pregnancy tests on the bathroom counter, their positive results glaring back at me accusingly. The world seems to tilt on its axis, and I grab the edge of the sink to steady myself.
How could this have happened? The rational part of my brain knows exactly how, of course. In all the chaos with Gino and Jonah, I forgot to renew my birth control prescription. Such a simple oversight, and now…
A wave of nausea hits me, and I’m not sure if it’s morning sickness or sheer panic. Memories of my pregnancy with Lou flood back, unwelcome and overwhelming. The fear, the isolation, the judgment in my mother’s eyes when I told her. I was just a scared teenager then, alone and terrified.
