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And now? I’m older, but the fear feels just as paralyzing.
I slide down to the cold tile floor, my back against the bathtub. My hand moves unconsciously to my still-flat stomach,and I’m hit with a confusing mix of emotions. There’s fear, yes, but also a flicker of something else. Hope? Love? I push those feelings down, not ready to examine them too closely.
A knock at the door barely registers through my shock. I can’t move, can’t think beyond the two little pink lines that have just turned my world upside down.
My phone rings, startling me out of my daze. It’s Shawn.
“Fee? Are you okay? I’m outside your door. What’s going on? You’re scaring me.”
I force myself to my feet, moving as if in a dream. I open the door to see Shawn’s worried face.
Without a word, I hold up a pregnancy test.
Shawn’s eyes widen, her mouth dropping open. “Shit,” she breathes.
That single word breaks something in me. I collapse into Shawn’s arms, sobs racking my body. She holds me tightly, murmuring soothing words I can’t quite make out.
“I can’t do this again,” I choke out between sobs. “I can’t be alone with this. Not again.”
Shawn guides us to the couch. Her fingers run soothingly through my hair, but it does little to calm the storm of emotions raging inside me.
“Have you told Angelo yet?” Shawn asks gently.
I shake my head, hiccupping through my tears. “N–No. I just found out. God, Shawn, how can I tell him? After everything…”
“Fee, honey, youhaveto tell him. He deserves to know.”
The thought of facing Angelo, of admitting to this new complication, sends a fresh wave of panic through me. “Maybe… maybe I don’t have to tell him. Maybe I could just…”
“Sofia Saldano,” Shawn cuts me off, her voice firm. “Don’t youdarefinish that thought. You are not going to hide this from Angelo. He isnotJonah.”
“But what if he doesn’t want it?” I whisper, voicing my deepest fear. “What if he thinks I’ve trapped him?”
Shawn pulls back, forcing me to meet her eyes. “Fee, that man loves you. He’s been there for Lou, for you, through all of this mess. Do you really think he’d walk away now? The only reason that man is not here is because you won’t let him.”
I shake my head, but the doubt lingers. “I’m scared, Shawn. What if I turn out like my mother? What if I’m not good enough?”
“Stop right there,” Shawn says firmly. “You arenothinglike your mother. You’re an amazing mom to Lou, and you’ll be amazing to this baby too. And Angelo? He’s not going to go on some jealous rampage. He’s been levelheaded through all of this. He’s the love of your life, Fee. Give him a chance.”
Her words slowly sink in, cutting through my panic. She’s right. Angelo deserves to know.
“Lou should know first,” I finally say, wiping my eyes. “Can you stay with me until I tell her?”
Shawn hugs me tightly. “Of course I can.”
The hours seem to pass by slowly, my stomach in knots as we wait for Lou to return from school. Shawn’s presence is comforting, but it can’t entirely quell my anxiety about Gino’s threat or the complexity of my situation. I keep those darker thoughts to myself, not wanting to burden Shawn or risk implicating her in any way.
Finally, we hear the key in the lock. Lou steps in, stopping short when she sees Shawn.
“Aunt Shawn!” she exclaims, her face lighting up. “What are you doing here?”
Then her eyes land on me, and her smile fades. “Mom? Have you been crying? What’s wrong?”
I take a deep breath, patting the spot next to me on the couch. “Come here, Lou. I have something to tell you.”
Lou drops her backpack and approaches cautiously, her eyes darting between Shawn and me. She’s always been too perceptive for her own good.
“Lou,” I begin, my voice trembling slightly. “I… I’m pregnant. You’re going to have a little brother or sister.”
