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I winced at him and swallowed, then returned my attention to Matt. “Mom didn’t want to go. Even though it was a Saturday, my dad was working, and she was five months pregnant with my sister, Breydan, with four kids on top of that to keep track of.”
“Thatwouldbe hard,” Matt admitted quietly with an understanding nod.
His sympathy for my mom only made my throat burn, however.
I hadn’t had any mercy on her. I’d just wanted to go to the beach.
Why hadn’t I cared about whatshe’dneeded?
Wiping the wetness on my palms onto my jeans, I heard my voice wobble as I added, “I—I kept pestering her and pestering her until she finally gave in, and we all loaded into the car.”
My breathing started to accelerate as I remembered everything as clearly as if it’d been yesterday, even though twenty months had passed since that day.
“The weather was perfect. The water felt great, and my castle fort was looking epic. But then my little sister had to go to the bathroom, and Mom had to take my two-year-old brother, Reed, with them. She asked me to keep an eye on Hayes. But he wanted to go with her, and I wanted to work on my fort, not take care ofhim.” I hugged myself, feeling an episode coming on. To fight it off, I rocked back and forth and ground my teeth, but my breathing picked up speed, anyway. “Why didn’t I just help her and say I would watch him? Why didn’t I do what she asked?”
On my left, Parker clutched his chest and turned toward Thane, seeking solace. As Thane wrapped a supportive arm around his shoulders, Alec clapped his hands over his ears, having trouble dealing with my story. Keene and Damien looked scared to death, cowering backward more and more with each sentence. And Hudson blew out a breath, shaking his head at me as if to say,Damn, man.
Turning back to Matt, I admitted, “If I-I-I’d just watched him like she’d wanted, she wouldn’t have had to keep track of three kids at once, and Hayes wouldn’t have gone out into the water by himself without her noticing before it was too late. He—he’d be a-alive today if I’d just—if I’d just?—”
“Stop,” Keene finally begged, holding up both hands to block me. “Oh my God, please stop.”
I shut up abruptly, more than happy to stop, and when I glanced around me, everyone looked more traumatized than when they’d comeintothe room.
Speaking up hadn’t helped anything. It had only made things worse.
I’d messed up again.
Why did I just keep messing everything up?
“I—I’m sorry,” I choked out, breathing uncontrollably now. “I’m sorry.” My vision was completely screwed, and the panic attack was fully upon me, bombarding me with a vengeance.
When black dots blinded me, I sank to my knees, trying to ground myself, but the dizziness swept in.
“I’m sorry.” I clutched my head and tried to catch a decent breath, but none came. I was suffocating…
Dying.
Just like Hayes.
Was this how it had felt for him to drown?
“Don’t just stand there;dosomething!” I heard Thane shout before two hands gripped my shoulders, and he murmured to me, “Just breathe, man. Breathe. Nice and slow. In…out…” Then, he hollered, “Matt!”
“I—I’ll go get help. A nurse,” Matt announced before the door slammed, leaving me alone with my fellow grief group members.
“Well, that motherfucker is completely worthless,” Hudson said dryly.
In front of me, Thane asked me to look up into his eyes. When I could manage that much at least, he nodded and smiled encouragingly. “Good. Good job. You’re doing great.” Then he waved a hand around him. “Come on, guys. Gather close. Let him know he’s not alone. It’s okay. We’re here with you. We got you, Foster.”
And just like that, Alec appeared at one side to silently take my hand while Damien took the other.
Behind me, Keene gripped my shoulders and massaged them, even as he said, “How is this going to keep him from dying?”
“He’s not dying,” Thane said as Parker appeared over one of his shoulders and Hudson the other. “He’s just having a panic attack. All he has to do is calm down, and he’ll be okay again.”
“I—I’m sorry,” I managed to gasp, humiliated to the core. This had to be the absolute most embarrassing moment of my life. “I—I can’t seem to stop them,” I tried to explain, hoping they didn’t think I was too much of a freak to be around now. “They just—they come out of nowhere at the worst times ever. And they’re why my parents forced me to come here. I’m the only one in my family who’s still messed up.”
“You’re not messed up,” Thane assured. “You’re grieving. Like Matt said, it’s a process.”
