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Is that why I’m so in tune with him? Because something tells me he knows pain too?
“I’m not one of the good guys,Gemma.” I love the sound of my name on his dreamy lips. I close my eyes, picturing Harvey. Our first date, our first kiss, our first time having sex. Anything to relax the scattering beating of my heart from Damon’s words whispered in my ear.
I melt further. He’s so close, my hand instinctively pushes on his chest. To keep his distance from me or pull him closer, I’m not sure.
“I won’t walk away from something so tempting even though I should.” I see him swallow, and it’s a relief to know he’s as affected by me as I am by him. My hand is caught in his, as he squeezes it in warning.
Leave, Gemma.Leave.
My heels are stuck to the ground like a frozen spell. I want more of what he’s willing to offer, and I feel horrible. Dirty, ashamed.
But I’m still here. Hand in hand with another man.
“Understood?”
It takes me a while to realize he’s giving me a way out, so I nod and walk away without looking back.
Despite what my body wants, I won’t cheat on Harvey.
I head to the restroom to recoup, knowing Damon has to send me his corrections anyway. Then I walk back to my desk and answer a few emails.
Eventually, the hours pass by, and I’m having lunch with Emon and Marie.
“You coming to Arrow’s across the street for happy hour?” she asks, painting her fingernails green on the kitchen table while I eat my sub sandwich.
“I’m not sure.” The thought of not spending Friday night with Harv since I have a girls’ day tomorrow is depressing.
“Come. You’re new. You’ll get to meet everyone.” Emon gives me an encouraging smile, sipping on his Coke.
“I’ll let you guys know.”
Sometimes I feel as if I’ve lived multiple lifetimes. Gone are my party days, where Layla and I smoked weed and danced all night long. Harvey was a partier, too, but these days he prefers to be alone.
And I understand his need.
By the time five o’clock rolls around, I’m FaceTiming him and the sight that greets me churns the inside of my stomach.
I think he’s baking cookies with Claire, and they look so relaxed together at our kitchen table. He seems to try to tone down his smile when he appears on screen. Claire waves in the background, and I wave back, anger surging through me, unsure if she’s that manipulative or if she’s just a good friend to him.
“Harvey.”
He nods, and I think he reads my face because he asks Claire to turn the music down. I’m boiling—seething. I can’t see past all this red inside my mind.
Red, red, red.
I bite my tongue instead, forcing myself to keep everything in.
“What’s up?”
Fuck you,I want to say.
I don’t because she’s not worth what we share. Or shared. She’s not worth it—he won’t throw it all away.
I push a strand of hair behind my ear before staring back at him. He’s licking the cookie dough off his fingers, the phone only facing him now. I should be grateful he showed me Claire; he could’ve not answered but he did.
“I’m... there’s a happy hour event after work... I thought I’d check it out this time.” I can’t even recognize my own voice.It’s the voice of a woman a few problems away from completely breaking apart.
“Go! It’ll be fun. I don’t mind staying longer.” I hear Claire in the background.
