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I want my bed. Harvey in his. Our routine is safe—expected. I want to forget his earlier rejection and to see him smiling more with others than with me.
I want to forget. Forget. Forget.
Everything.
I’m slipping, so deep, and the dark underground is too full of demons to let me come up for air.
I can hardly breathe.
I clean up, giving myself a task to do while my heart rate slows down after this mini confrontation, and my dad joins the guys in Harvey’s room.
When I’m done, I find Gia, wiping away a few tears trickling down her face. “Why won’t you talk to me anymore, Gem?”
My throat is closing so fast. I don’t understand how this nice dinner turned into a therapy session. Are they wondering if I need help the same way Hen wonders for his brother?
“Gia... I do.” I go to sit on the carpet next to Athena, who’s looking over a book.
“Dolphin!” She points down at the image and laughs. I smile, too, wishing to avoid my sister’s wrath.
“You’re lying! I’m only this emotional because I’m pregnant.But Gem, you know how much you mean to me... I just want my sister back.”
I can’t speak. I’m afraid of what will come out.
“You can’t feel guilty for doing the things you used to love... you have to start again. You’re gonna be miserable if you don’t.”
I’m already miserable.
I’m comfortable in my misery.
“Can you do me a favor?”
And I nod. Because I’ll do anything for Gia. Anything.
“Tomorrow, go for a walk in the forest. A small walk, like you used to.”
I look at my sister as if she’s asked me to steal the full moon for her. A favor with major implications. It means telling Harvey I’ll be going for a walk without him and him perhaps resenting me more, envying me.
“Gemma . . . promise me.”
I watch my niece smile, and I agree to my sister’s request.
The next day, I’m putting on my winter coat, my fingers sweating from what I’m about to do. I hang in front of Harvey’s door, giving myself a mental pep talk before I knock and step in his room.
“I’m going for a small walk. Want to join me?” I ask, hopeful. I know it’s not as simple for him in the winter with his chair, but we could make it work.
Betrayal crosses his features in a flash, quickly replaced by indifference. “No, I’m good. Have fun.”
“I won’t be long, alright?”
“I don’t need you sniffing my ass every two seconds.”
His words slash through the last tiny piece of pride I have left. “You know what, Harv? Sometimes you’re such a prick!”
I smack the door behind me and put on my winter boots with trembling fingers, bringing my phone and keys with me.
Then I barely slow my steps, my entire body vibrating with anger, until I reach the forest about seven minutes away from our house. As soon as I’m surrounded by large green trees, I find it easier to breathe. But the heaviness of my thoughts doesn’t vanish easily once I get a whiff of pine trees.
Rain and pine trees.
