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I lie on the bed afterward, staring up, unsure what came over me. It’s as if another scar of rejection carved itself over the tissues of my heart. And soon, I’ll run out of space. And soon, I might not even care anymore.
I’m all dressed in dark jeans and a midnight blue shirt when Athena runs into my arms. I let her caress and her energy take away my pain.
I greet my dad, Gia, and James at the same time Harv comes out of his room. His smile is on, but I won’t be fooled again. It’s fake and somehow it renders it worse. It breaks a part of me I didn’t know I had left.
I want honesty, to know where I stand. I want to hear his laugh again and not because Claire’s in the room.
“Thanks for having us over, guys,” Gia says, putting the chocolate cake in the fridge.
“We love having you over.” Harvey smiles, while I narrow my eyes at him. Athena is still in my arms, holding on to me.
I eye the beer bottle James offers him. He barely ever drinks. It’s not good to mix alcohol with his medication but a beer or two isn’t an issue so I brush it off when Harv takes the beer.
“How’s the new job?” James asks me at dinner, when we’re all around the table, Athena in her highchair.
“It’s good. My boss can be... interesting at times. Otherwise, I like it.” I focus on my niece, watching her shove small pieces of chicken into her mouth with her tiny fingers.
“You told me he’s an asshole,” Gia pitches in.
James chuckles. “Well, hopefully he warms up to you. Having a new assistant is stressful for the boss.”
“Does it involve traveling?” My dad asks, completely oblivious to my frozen state. Gia eyes Harv and gives me a sympathetic look. Harvey and I hadn’t discussed me traveling for this job. And, honestly, I’m not even sure I’ll have to any time soon.
My eyes drift to Harv, who places his fork down, waiting for my answer.
“Umm... yeah, sure. But not too often.” My dad nods and, thankfully, Gia starts talking about pregnancy stuff. James wanted the gender of the baby to be a surprise. So even though it’s killing her not to know, she’s going along with it to please him. I can’t say how often she tells me she almost ripped open the envelope in their wardrobe unit.
We finish dinner, and James and Harvey take their desserts to his room to try a new basketball game that James brought over.
Gia, my dad, and I are each eating our piece of cake, watching Athena lick the frosting off hers.
“So what was that all about?” My dad asks, surprising us, before he rolls his eyes. “You think I didn’t notice the tension after mentioning the traveling? Give me some credit, sweetheart.”
Gia laughs, shaking her head. Sometimes we forget he stepped in after we lost our mom. He had to develop this acute sense of observation that a mother tends to have.
He puts his hand over mine and squeezes it hard. “What’s wrong, Gemma?”
I shake my head, wishing for an escape, unwilling to break down.
I don’t want to talk about it.
Talking about it makes it real.
I don’t want to acknowledge our failed relationship. I love Harvey too much to walk away. I can’t walk away from him; heneedsme.
Even if he doesn’t give me what I crave.
“We’re worried about you, Gem... I miss my happy sister.” Gia rubs my arm lightly, and suddenly I’m suffocating because this seems like an intervention.
Is this how Harvey feels when I push him too hard? When I hover and pester and question?
“It’s like any relationship... we’re working through it.” My sister is a strong believer in therapy—I’m surprised she didn’t bring it up as a solution like she once did after the accident.
I prefer suffering without an audience.
“We’ll take your word for it. But remember, nothing matters more than your own happiness.”
I don’t want to talk about this.
