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You can’t control it. You can’t reason with it. You can’t beat the crap out of it if it doesn’t listen to you. It has all of thecontrol, and you have none. That’s why it scares me, and that’s why I can’t begin to take a chance on it. It’s why I’ve sabotaged every relationship I’ve had…I can’t stand not being in control. Risking myself for something that I don’t know will work out is not a part of me. I don’t take risks lightly and love is the biggest gamble there is. When it goes wrong, it causes way too much pain and grief, and I won’t risk feeling so out of control ever again.
“Amelia…” I hear coming from the other side of the door along with the knocking and my heart stops again. I can’t believe he’s here. I’m not ready to face him yet.
“Amelia, I know you’re here,” Rafe calls out. “Baby…please just come to the door.”
I want to resist but the concern in his voice has me walking to the door and opening it. He doesn’t look good, and I feel bad for him coming all the way over here when he’s been sick.
“Rafe…come in,” I sigh realizing that I’m still wearing my towel.
“Baby, why did you run out?” he asks turning around to look at me.
His intake of breath showed that he’d noticed my attire and the look that slipped across his face was enough to send a shiver through me.
“I can’t do this Rafe. I’m sorry.”
“Ame…I really want to have a discussion with you about this but you’re wearing a towel and I only have so much power over my control.”
“I’ll be right back,” I state heading into my bedroom to slip into a tank top and shorts adding my robe for extra protection. I head back to the living room and find him pacing between the windows and couch.
“Rafe…”
He turns towards me, and the desire is still there. It takes everything I have to control myself, stop from moving over to him, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him until we head directly to the bedroom. If we do that, I’ll never forgive myself and this will only get worse.
“Amelia,” he says crossing over to me. He pulls me towards him and my breath stalls. He has to feel it because he lifts his hands towards my face, cups it gently and then lowers his mouth to mine.
The second they connect, I’m lost. There’s no more trying to fight or figure out what is going on. I’m simply with him in this moment and it is amazing. The way I feel when I’m with him is wonderful but the second we’re apart it all starts making me worry that if I give in, I’ll lose it.
“Amelia, baby, what is it? What is scaring you so much about this…us?” he asks bringing me down onto the couch beside him.
“Nothing,” I lie. “I’m simply not ready for this type of commitment. Rafe, it’s one thing for it to be just you and me but with Maggie…”
“What about her? You are a natural mother Amelia. I saw it in the little bit of time you spent with her this morning. I get that I pushed baby,” he adds pausing to lift my chin forcing me to look directly at him and not away out the window. “If you want to go slow still, we can but I can’t let you run away. I can’t let you sabotage this.”
“Why?” I ask knowing I shouldn’t but I am.
“Because I need you Amelia, I need you in my life. I want you in my life, in Maggie’s…if you run, I’m just going to have to follow you.”
“Why can’t you accept that I’m not ready for this and let me be?” I demand, trying to stop from giving in to what I’m sure is bound to break my heart.
“Because you are, I know you are Ame. You are amazing but you refuse to believe I can want this, don’t you?” he asks seeing far too much for me still. “Why can’t you just let go of that need to control what happens and let us find the magic?”
How can he possibly know what I’ve barely begun to acknowledge?
“Ame, baby, please talk to me.”
“You’re not hearing me Rafe. I’m not ready for any of this. Me and you, you and Maggie…I’m sorry but I can’t.”
“You can you just won’t,” he argues getting up, staring down at me. “What the hell happened to make you have to be in charge of everything Amelia? Why can’t you simply take a chance with me? You and me…this is right, baby.”
“How can it be when the idea of being with you makes me want to run?” I counter knowing I need to get him out of here before I force myself to deal with the fear.
“It’s normal to be scared Ame,” he says so gently that my heart aches and tears clog my throat. “I’m scared of how much I feel for you Amelia, but I know I want to try. I’ve been through a nightmare marriage and divorce, thought I’d never face anything harder than all of that, but this…not knowing if you’ll stay is the worst thing I’ve ever had to confront. Learning about Maggie is nothing compared to the possibility of waking up and finding you gone.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I state with a sigh. “I just can’t do this.”
“What part of it? The part where I asked you to marry me or any of this?”
“I’m twenty-three Rafe. I’m not old enough to be a wife or a stepmother to an eight-year-old. I think it’d be best if we just ended this whole thing right now.”
