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“That’s where you’re wrong Ame. I’ve never seen her look so happy, not even with Lorie. I don’t know what you’ve done with her the last two days but she’s a happy little girl.”
“So what? You want me to stick around because I make her happy?”
“It definitely helps make the decision a million times easier to know that Maggie likes you, baby, but mostly I want you with me because you makemehappy.”
“What are you saying Rafe?” I ask because I’m completely at a loss right now. I don’t have a clue as to what’s going on inside his brain.
“I’m saying I want you to stay. Today, tomorrow, next week, next year…”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Stay here, with us,” he corrects, and my jaw drops open.
“Live with you?” I ask feeling as if I’m about to pass out.
“Marry me,” he states, and I know I misheard him.
Chapter 10
“Marry you?” I ask taking a step back. “Rafe…we’ve known each other for a month!”
“I know it’s insane but it’s all right here Amelia. This connection between us,” he adds, and I can’t deny I don’t know what he’s talking about because I feel it too. “I don’t want to lose this because I know how rare it is. I know how difficult it is for a real relationship to work but we can do it. We can become a family.”
“Tell me this Rafe, if I didn’t know sign language would you be so willing to push this…us, this hard?” I question because this is truly insane.
“I want to say yes but I can’t say I’d be doing this right now, no. Maggie is the best thing that’s ever come my way and I will do anything to keep her safe but…this is right Ame. I know it is.”
“If you’re so willing to do anything for her why risk asking me to marry you Rafe? You don’t know me, not enough to put me in the same house as your daughter day in and day out.”
“That’s where you’re wrong baby,” he says pulling me back towards him. He cups my face and stares all the way into my soul, I know because I feel it completely. “You wouldn’t have stayed if you weren’t ready for this. You would have found someone else to come help out until we were better. Don’t tellme you couldn’t have because I know how resourceful you can be, Ame. You didn’t though…you stayed and slept beside me for two nights. You kept my daughter safe and right now you’re trying to figure out how to sabotage this because you’re scared to admit that you feel everything you do.”
“No I’m not Rafe. I swear I’m not. I just…I’m not ready.”
“For what? The next step in our relationship? A full commitment or to be a mother?”
“Both? I-I’m…I don’t do this okay,” I sigh because telling this gorgeous, amazing and well-versed man that I’m a virgin is not something that is easy to do.
“You don’t do what exactly Ame? Let someone close to you. I know baby. You don’t let anyone in and I’m begging you, let me and Maggie love you. Let us show you that we’re what you need.”
My heart literally stopped when he mentioned the word love. It’s impossible for him to know how much it scared the crap out of me. Not even the fathers’ group and their perverted signing scared me the way hearing that word come out of his mouth did and he wasn’t even saying that he was in love with me.
“Baby…say something,” he pleads but there’s nothing to say as I bolt from the room, racing to the living room to grab my bag then slip out the front door before he could stop me.
There’s one good thing about all of the traffic in New York…plenty of taxis to hop into at a moment’s notice and thankfully, I found one. I was shaking by the time we got to my apartment, and I rushed inside, locking the door behind me as I ran towards the bathroom and was sick. Now whether it was from the things Rafe had said or the flu I don’t know. It was impossible in that moment to tell.
I flip on the shower and get in, standing beneath the warm spray as I let my mind go blank. I couldn’t begin to think right now. Rafe’s words were sliding through my brain and theknowledge that I was head over heels for him was right there with it but there was no way I was ready for any of this. I mean how could I possibly go from not wanting a relationship of any sort to meeting Rafe and in less than a month of being with him, having him ask me to marry him?
It was completely and utterly insane.
I’m insane because the man is everything that I’ve ever wanted but yet I’m still pushing him away, running away, and I don’t know why. I want exactly what Rafe was offering—a home, marriage, commitment, kids…but the idea of actually having it all is terrifying.
I stay under the water until it starts to cool and then get out, wrapping myself up in a large towel as I head to the living room to put on some music. It usually gets me out of my head and that’s what I need right now. I need something to end the constant stream of questions that is flowing through me. The whys of what I’m doing…that’s what’s bugging me the most.
Why…it’s the one word that kids use to annoy the crap out of adults and parents.
It’s the word that is used to learn and for me it’s the word that I don’t have an answer to for anything anymore. I want them but I’m afraid of finding them…that much I do know because if I find the answer and it’s something more than what I already suspect I don’t know how I’ll react.
I like knowing what to expect…and then it becomes a bit clearer. You can’t know what to expect when you give your heart to someone. You don’t know if it’s going to last. You don’t know if they’ll feel the same way. The unknown is what terrifies me. I mean look at my life. I did and stayed with what I knew…school and the club. I knew exactly how to handle it all but love…how do you possibly handle love?
