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The worst part of all these Technicolor flashbacks was the line of questions that came after them.
Why hadn’tIthought about all the reasons we should’ve stopped?
And, even worse, if Liam hadn’t stopped us, what would have happened afterward?
The nature of our situation made any future relationship that much harder. It didn’t matter if that relationship was between me and Liam or with someone new. For either of us.
To call it murky was an understatement, and I still couldn’t parcel out whether my attraction to him was real or simply a byproduct of the situation.
We were both single. Forced to be together every day. Seeing sides of each other that we hadn’t before. The prospective changes were inevitable.
And terrifying.
Then there was the added awareness that he’d been attracted to me once upon a time. Maybe he still was. Would I have been tempted to kiss him if I hadn’t known that? Did his admission plant a seed of possibility that I never would have considered on my own?
It was foolish to deny that I’d been lonely. Having heartbreak in your past didn’t automatically turn you into someone who hated love.
Iwantedto be in love. Butterflies and first dates and first kisses and all that came with it.
I wanted someone to love me in the same way. Where the sight of me set millions of wings aflutter in the pit of their belly and tangled their tongue when they tried to speak.
No, I didn’t hate love. Maybe I just didn’t fully trust myself yet. And for good reason. What I’d been through allowed for some hesitation where I might not have had any in the past.
Why, then, hadn’t I hesitated last night?
This was the worst of the questions that plagued me in the darkest parts of the night. There were no clear answers. There was no right or wrong. No black and white about any of this.
We just had to figure out the best way to move forward. And I knew before the sun came up which version of Liam would greet me in the morning.
We’d be back to the man behind the iron wall.
“Bloody hell, what did we do?” I whispered. Then I sighed heavily and turned to the side, pinching my eyes closed, determined to get at least a few hours of rest before I had to face him.
Most of the time, being right came with an undeniable sense of satisfaction.
But when Brick Wall Liam was back in full force that morning, satisfaction was the last thing on my mind. I wasn’t annoyed either. His eyes were so wary, so guarded as we danced around each other at breakfast and as I got Mira ready for the day, that I couldn’t be upset.
Mine probably held a similar gleam.
Don’t hurt me,mine said.
Don’t break what we’ve built.It was plain as day in his.
The two thoughts crashed head-to-head, and from our past history, I knew exactly what kind of stubborn determination we were capable of.
I didn’t want to break what we’d built either, but I was willing to tiptoe into a new reality if he’d join me there.
The drive to the therapist’s office was quiet. Even Mira seemed to sense our contemplative moods, because she sat silently in her seat, watching the scenery pass.
Being seated next to him while he drove, with one big hand resting atop the wheel and the other casually draped over the console, made my entire being dizzy.
It was so easy to imagine an alternate reality where he’d look over at me and smile. Maybe settle one of those big hands on my thigh as he ferried us where we needed to go.
A wave of longing hit me in the chest, right in the center of my breastbone, and I had to close my eyes against the force of it.
“You all right?” Liam asked.
The quiet rumble of his voice inexplicably brought the burn of tears to my eyes. Somehow, without looking at me, he’d noticed. He’dseen.
