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A ghost of a smile played on her lips, and I wanted to lean over and take them. “I’m not okay with it.” She blinked at me, willing me to read what was between the lines.
Except youwas what her stare was saying.
Except me. She wanted my touch, but did she crave it as much as I craved her?
She blew out a deep breath. “I wasn’t okay after the attack—”
“Please, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“I want to. I think it’ll make you understand me a little better.”
Did I want to know more? If I did, there was a good chance I would put a bullet into the skull of anyone who wronged her. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t become more attached to her than I already was.
I chose the former.
“Tell me anything you want to tell me.”
Her jaw tightened with determination. “Okay. After the attack, I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I relived the assault. Guilt and shame nipped at the heels of my exhaustion, and I dealt with it all by drinking and taking drugs. I figured if I could quiet my mind somehow, I could rest.
“I started with alcohol. It helped numb the pain and made me forget, but when it stopped helping I turned to drugs. Coke was my initial choice, but it was a slippery slope, and I was soon addicted to meth as well. I spiraled so much that when I looked in the mirror, I hardly recognized the woman I’d become. Grayson stood by me the whole time, supporting me, but not supporting my choice of coping mechanism …” She trailed off, and if I didn’t know any better, she was back there in that dark place again.
I squeezed to let her know I was there.
“I OD’d, but that wasn’t what made me change my ways. It wasn’t until the second time, after I witnessed a girl I knew, another addict, whore herself out for her next hit. She gave away her body so she could do more drugs. That was my wake-up call, I guess you could say.”
“You guess?” I asked.
“After witnessing her desperation, I took so much in a short amount of time that I OD’d again. This time, when I woke up, I was in hospital, and Grayson was there. He didn’t know I was awake, so I got to watch him sit beside my bed with his head bowed. It looked as if he was praying, but I knew he stopped believing in God a long time ago. Grayson looked how I felt on the inside. Gutted. Hollowed out. A shell of what he was. When he realized I was awake, the relief that washed over his face was like a dagger through my heart.
“It was then that I recognized who I was really hurting by doing what I was doing. I was trying to escape my demons, and find the help I needed, when all the help I could ever need was sitting right beside me. As soon as I was released, he helped me get into a rehab center, where I stayed four times longer than I needed to in order to get clean and stay clean. I went to therapy twice a day the whole time, talking about all the feelings I still had attached to the attack. I eventually learned that what had happened hadn’t been my fault, that I was the victim, that the men who chose to do this were the ones in the wrong.
“Once I was out, I had to choose what I wanted to do with my life. I knew drugs weren’t the right choice. I wanted to help people though, and nursing seemed to be a good way to do that.”
Fuck, she had been through so much. Like me, she was a survivor. She had bared her soul to me, but I wasn’t ready to bare mine in return. Not yet, at least. She’d had the benefit of intensive therapy, facing all her inner demons and exorcising them, whereas I had nurtured the monster that lived inside me—the monster that had been born out of dark revenge and violent thoughts.
The only thing that made us similar is that we were both victims of rape. I knew it was fucking sexist to draw the comparison, but a man who’s been raped feels like less of a man because of it—at least that’s how I felt. I felt like I should’ve been stronger, better prepared, and able to fight off my abuser. But I’d only been a kid and was completely alone in this world.
I cleared my throat, surprised to find we were in Westport already. Pulling into the parking lot of a pub that had accommodation upstairs, I shut off the engine, and we sat in silence for a moment.
Fallon peered up at the building. “We always seem to be staying at quaint little places.”
“Let’s hope this one doesn’t burn down while we’re here.” I’d meant it as a joke, but Fallon’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Do you think that’s going to happen?”
“No,” I replied gruffly. I got out of the car and walked around to her door to open it. “Come on.”
After she was out of the Rover, I walked her into the pub with my hand on the small of her back. The place was packed, and everyone stopped and stared at us. Ignoring them all, I strode to the bartender.
“We need a room.”
The middle-aged man’s eyes darted from me to Fallon. “Are you all right there, lass?” he asked.
There was the sound of a stool sliding backward on the flagstone floor, and I peered over my shoulder to see that one man was getting to his feet while another had stepped forward. I smiled at them, letting them see the monster that lurked behind my eyes. One man swallowed. The other retook his step.
“I’m fine,” Fallon said, wrapping her arm around my waist. On instinct, I tensed, but when the warmth of her body and the scent of her skin got caught in my nose, I relaxed. “My fiancé and I were just traveling to see family, but I hate driving at night.” She beamed at me. “Right, honey?”
“Right,” I bit out. I met the bartender’s eyes. “So, how about that room?”
