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The sun was settingas I drove home in my rental car. Mine was still being fixed fromwhen Damon had knocked the window in. I couldn’t get in this damncar without thinking of him, and thinking of him always made me alittle hot under the collar. Thoughts of his callused hands roamingacross my skin assailed me. His plump sensual lips, with the mostdelicious amount of stubble around them.
I loved the way heate at my lips like he didn’t own a watch and wouldn’t be held toany time constraint. He had taken his time exploring every nook andcranny with his skilled tongue. The way he kissed me made me thinkof other things he could do with his mouth. I knew he would goslowly, starting at my breasts, stopping to suck each of myhard-pebbled nipples. He would look up at me with those chocolateeyes as he licked around the peak, making sure I saw what he wasdoing before he sucked it inside. He would use those lavish lips tokiss and suck his way down. Stopping shortly to dip his wickedtongue into my navel, making me squirm before he moved furthersouth. He would grin up at me with that crooked smile as he pulledmy panties down…
A loud horn jarredme from my fantasy with a violent jerk. I jumped and jammed my kneeinto the steering wheel.
“Motherfu—” I cursed as I rubbed my knee. Ipushed down on the accelerator and the car lurched forward.Normally, if someone honked at me, I would give them my happymiddle finger but seeing as I was stopped at a green light, Ifigured I’d better let it slide.
I raked my hand downmy face with an exasperated sigh. What the fuck was wrong with me?Had I resorted to having a sex dream in the middle of traffic?Maybe Doc was right. I needed to get laid. I was clearly so horny Icouldn’t even safely drive home without my deprived brain blankingout.
I tried to tellmyself that it had nothing to do with Damon. In the short time I’dknown him it was like he wormed his way into my mind like some sortof sexy parasite. That wouldn’t be such a bad thing if I thoughtI’d be able to just jump his bones a couple of times and fuck himout of my system. No, if I was a betting girl, I would say that manwould chew my ass up and spit me out. I just knew I wouldn’tsurvive the experience. Sure, the sex would be hot, but I didn’tknow if it was worth my sanity.
What I needed was aKen. It didn’t matter what his real name was, they were always aKen. The type of man you didn’t have to worry about after a nightwith him. There were always plenty of Kens at your local wateringhole. Most men were like me, they wanted a good orgasm and thenthey wanted to get the hell out of Dodge. Hell, I held the dooropen for them most of the time. Now, if Ken was really good at whathe did, I would take him for one more ride, but that was it.
I wasn’t sooblivious to think I was good enough for decent men. I don’t thinkI would be capable of putting any honorable man through what Ireferred to asHurricane Jill. Even if I wanted a long-termrelationship, I honestly didn’t think it would ever work out. Iknew who I was and I made no excuses. I didn’t know very many menthat were okay with a woman with such a strong need for stability.I had to have things in my life a certain way.
Although, I would belying if I said that I loved my life the way it was. I would adorenothing more than to be able to just … be, for once. It wasextremely exhausting to keep everything in meticulous order all thetime. If my brain would allow me to give the reins to someone elsefor a change, well, that would be a freakin’ miracle.
I used to be justfine with the status quo, until recently. I think watching Katewith Heath and Reid opened my eyes a little. My bestie had gone andfound her happily ever after months ago with not one, but two men.If there was anyone in this world who deserved those two amazingmen, it was my Kate. The only bad thing about being around theirjoy was that they were so happy it made me see just how miserable Iwas. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Kate and I was so happy for her.It’s just that when someone in your life was so freaking happy allthe time, it left you feeling a little jaded.
I shook my head toclear out my thoughts. I needed to get the wishes of happily everafter out of my head. Nobody would want me once they saw how ruinedI truly was.
Maybe a good romp inthe sheets would help me get my mind off a certain someone Icouldn’t stop fantasizing about.
Sighing, I turnedoff on a side street, going in the direction of my favorite “KenDen” as I liked to call it. I usually had good luck finding someoneto take to the suite for a night. Was it bad if I reserved a fuckpad nearby that I paid a monthly fee to keep for when I neededit?
I didn’t ever takeany of the Kens to my home. That was just another way I was able tocontrol the outcome of the hookup. If Ken never knew where I lived,he couldn’t come knocking for more.
The drive there wasa short one. In no time at all, I was pulling up to what felt likemy reserved parking spot. I pulled my vanity down after placing thecar in “park.” Bright blue eyes stared back at me. They weredeceiving, they looked innocent and happy. It was a good thingpeople couldn’t see the tarnish that resided on my soul.
I pursed my plumplips and dabbed on some gloss, fluffing my long auburn hair beforeI fixed my mascara. I settled and looked over the image I made inthe mirror. The woman who stared back at me was beautiful. Itwasn’t arrogance or pride that made me think that, it was simplebiology. I had a face most found attractive and a body that wasequally as alluring. My constant need to have some form of exerciseas an outlet insured that much.
I often begrudgedthe fact that I was “pretty.” Maybe if I didn’t look like this,Jason would have never happened. Maybe I could be a normalthirty-five-year-old with a husband to come home to every day.Maybe I would have 2.5 kids and a dog.
Closing my eyes atthe sudden burn I felt, I took a deep breath. Opening again Istared at those blue eyes, hating the woman who looked back atme.
I slammed the mirrorshut, not able to look any longer, and exited the car. Pulling onthat fake confidence I so often wore, I walked through the door tomy Ken Den and slapped a sultry smile on my face.
****
They say if younever try, you’ll never succeed. I say that is a load of genuinebullshit.
I used my foot toslam my front door as I walked into my quiet house, stuffing myface with fast food fries. It was just after midnight when I gaveup the hunt at the Ken Den and booked it to a burger joint with thegolden arches that lit the way like a beacon for a starving man. Inormally wouldn’t eat this late, but fuck it. Lord knows I wasn’tgoing to get much sleep tonight, so chances were I’d be running itoff on the treadmill before too long.
I slid my heels offmy aching feet and put them in their respective slot in my hallcloset. Color-coded, obviously. Fiona ran between my feet, purringas she greeted me. I looked down at the feline as I grabbed whatwas left of my burger out of the greasy sack.
“How was yournight?” I asked the white beast. “In case you were wondering, minewas this good,” I mumbled as I shoved the rest of the meal past mylips.
I had sat in thatgodforsaken den of ill repute for three long hours. I sipped on afew vodka-crans slowly throughout the night. I knew better than tohave too many. I had twirled my straw around my glass and made eyeswith a few possible suitors. Now and then I would take the strawand slide it between my teeth, teasing it with my tongue. The movealways drew them in eventually.
The first victimthat had approached me was what I would call a sexy nerd. He haddirty-blond hair with light-green eyes he hid behind thick-framedglasses. He was a little on the scrawny side but that was okay withme. I was short so it was always easy to find a man that couldstill make me feel delicate even when I knew I was anything but. Hehad cute dimples when he smiled that would make most women swoon.He would have been perfect. But then he opened his mouth.
I tried, reallytried to shut down all the comparisons that ran through my mind ashe talked to me about the latest PlayStation game he had justdownloaded. Normally, I didn’t care about anything other than how aKen looked. But this time I couldn’t stop myself from comparing asI listened to him drag on and on. I just kept coming back to howDamon would be talking to me about his interests. Or how when helooked at me his eyes told a story of everything he wanted to do tome.
In the end, Icouldn’t take it any longer. I excused myself and went to the otherend of the bar in search of a new target.
The rest of thenight had gone just like that. Whether it was the Motorcycle Kenwith a dark beard and hard eyes or the Ken with the long blackbraids and skinny jeans. Or even the Lumberjack Ken with the deepbaritone voice and scarred hands. All of them fell short in one wayor another.
I even tried tospeak to a handsome Latino man while I was there. Maybe I couldtrick myself into thinking I was getting what I really wanted. Butas soon as he smiled at me and it wasn’t that crooked grin Ifantasized about, the illusion was ruined and I gave up.
