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“Jill—”
“I bet you that wifeof his is cheating on him. That’s probably why he’s such amiserable sack of sh—”
“Jill!” Doc’s loudvoice finally cut through my ranting. “Will you please take a seatbefore you wear a hole in my rug?” she asked with a calm smile.
I took a deep breathand stilled my movements, bringing my hands to my sides andclenching my fists. “Sorry,” I said as I took my seat again.
“It’s fine, you’reobviously frustrated about something. The question is, what’sreally bothering you?” she said with that knowing gleam in hereyes.
After all theseyears of seeing her, it still amazed me when she saw right throughmy deflection. You would figure after this long I would just tellher what was wrong in the first place. What could I say, I was astubborn bitch.
“I told you, Derekis a limp dick ass—”
She cut me off witha wave of her hand. Sitting forward from her plush chair, she shuther iPad case and regarded me with stern eyes.
“Cut the shit, Jill.I’ve been seeing you for fifteen years now. You honestly think youcan get anything past me?” She paused, giving me a chance to speak.When I didn’t she continued. “For one, you called me two weeks agoto push up our monthly appointment. Two, you’re jumpier than asquirrel trying to cross the road. And three, you’re rambling onabout crap that you and I both know you don’t care about. Now tellme what the real problem is so I can help you.”
She was right on allthree counts. After the panic attack that ended with me passing outin my car, I called her the next day. I had been off my anxietymeds for years now, but I was wondering if I needed to renew myprescription as of late. I was full of anxious energy that Icouldn’t seem to get rid of. Even running for an hour every nighton my treadmill wasn’t helping me wind down.
And it was true, Ididn’t give a shit about Derek. I knew Brookes Publishing was thetop firm in the area. He could try all he liked, but he would nevercompete with me.
I took a deepbreath, holding it for a moment before releasing it in a rush. ThenI spilled my guts about everything I was feeling. Rambling on abouthow I wasn’t sleeping much anymore. My dreams were filled withgunshots and musty sheets.
Gunshots from whenKate’s crazy-ass ex-husband shot me a few months ago. He went“coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs” and tried to kill us both because Katehad gotten a chunk of change from her late father that she didn’tshare with him. But that was a story for another time.
I always awokesoaked in sweat, still able to feel the hand covering my mouth.Still able to smell the scent of vanilla. I told her about the“break-in” that was more than likely a stray rock that got thrownthrough my window by the neighbor’s mower, but my panic-addledbrain immediately went to the worst-case scenario. I told her aboutpassing out in my car after calling the authorities. I omitted thefact of who I truly called. I still couldn’t get the panicked lookin those chocolate eyes out of my thoughts.
I told her about howthe cops aka Damon, had to bust the window out of my car in orderto get to me and see if I was still breathing. I could still feelthe way his hands had gently held me steady as he brought me backto the present.
I was rattled anddidn’t know how to drag myself back out of the hole I found myselfin.
“On top of all this,I feel like I’m going crazy lately. I swear, I will put somethingup where it belongs one day and the next it’s in a completelydifferent place. It’s like my sleep-deprived brain can’t keep itsshit together anymore and I just forget that I moved it,” I blurtedquickly before releasing an exasperated huff. “I don’t know what todo anymore. Do you think I should go back on the Xanax? I know itmakes me kind of numb to everything, but that has to be better thanthis.”
I felt as though aweight was lifted off my chest as I finished rambling. Doc was theonly person besides Kate that I could be completely vulnerablearound. And with Kate being in her new marital bliss, I hadrefrained from telling her anything. She had put up with enough ofmy shit over the years. I didn’t need to keep piling it on.
Doc regarded me withsquinted eyes and pursed lips. That was the face she always gotwhen she was trying to work through a problem for me. “What are youdoing to relieve stress right now? I know you canceled your gymmembership. Have you found something else to fill that time?” sheasked. She opened her old-school Rolodex full of businesscards.
I scrunched my face.I canceled that membership because my trainer was annoying as fuck.It seemed like he would use the thinnest excuse to get his hands onmy ass. Claiming my form was off during squats or trying to show mehow my muscle was supposed to flex. I had finally snapped when hethought it was appropriate to slap my ass at the water bottle fillstation. I had promptly shown him how much I appreciated all hismanhandling with a swift kick to the nads. Maybe he would thinktwice next time before laying his hands on some other female.
“No, I haven’t foundanother trainer I like yet,” was all I offered.
She nodded her headlike she had expected that answer. She finally found what she waslooking for and handed me a card with big bold lettering.
“Krav Maga?” Iasked. When I looked back up at her she was smiling at me.
“Yes, Krav Maga.Hugh is an old client of mine and he runs a studio downtown. Ithink you’ll enjoy it. It’s very physical and it will help a lotwith that anger you’ve been carrying around. I would rather yougive that a try before we put you back on any medication. You needto keep yourself busy, Jill. When you give yourself too much freetime, you don’t relax like other people. You sit and you dwell, youpull further into yourself.” She paused as I fiddled with the cardbetween my fingers. “When was the last time you had sex?” she askedseemingly out of nowhere.
I huffed a humorlesslaugh. “It’s been a while,” I mumbled. She was always so intuitive,sometimes it scared me how much she knew me.
“I’m not going tosit here and tell you to go have sex with the greater half ofdowntown, but I am not going to pretend that you don’t need to givein to your urges sometimes. You know that I view sex as a healthyway to deal with some of your emotions—inmoderation. Is there anyone that has engaged that part of youlately?” she asked.
Brown eyes and oliveskin filled my mind’s eye. I squeezed my thighs together to stopthe sudden ache that always accompanied the fantasy of him. I shookmy head, trying to clear my thoughts. She took that as myanswer.
“Well, maybe it’stime to start finding someone who can help you out in that area.”She gave me a knowing wink before she tapped the card in my hands.“Give him a call, try a couple of classes. If that doesn’t work,then we can discuss other methods.” She stood and I followed. Mytime was up for the day.
I tucked the cardinto my pocket and gave her a short hug before exiting her office.The day was late and I was exhausted, I would check out that studiotomorrow after work. I climbed into the car and prepared myself forthe long, quiet drive, begrudging the time it gave me to listen tomy inner thoughts.
Chapter Three
