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I wish I had acrystal ball. One that could have told me what was going to happenthat night, or how those events would change me. Maybe I would bethe same carefree girl I used to be. Maybe I wouldn’t have becomeso tainted by the evil in this world.
Chapter Two
Present Day
“And how does thatmake you feel?” The concerned voice of my therapist broke throughthe haze of my thoughts. I fought the urge to roll my eyes at her.She knew damn well I hated that question but she kept asking it. Ilooked at the pretty doctor sitting in front of me and tried tokeep a straight face.
Dr. Lisa Yorker hadbeen my long-term therapist ever since my … incident. The oldergray-haired woman always had warm eyes and an even more invitingsmile. She was always willing to hear me bitch about my problems.She had known me long enough now that we were more like friendsthan mere patient and doctor.
After Jason, I hadgone to the hospital with Kate and was immediately admitted. Havingto succumb to a pelvic exam and a rape kit so soon after beingviolated like that, was not something I would ever wish on anyone.Not saying the nurses and female doctor weren’t great. They wereamazing and completely comforting. It’s just that having to showstrangers your greatest shame so soon after a huge trauma left aperson feeling even more vulnerable.
The months thatfollowed flew by in a blur. After Mom and Dad found out what hadhappened, everything spiraled out of control. Mom had cried a lotduring that time and Dad looked like he wanted to murdersomeone.
It wasn’t hard tofind a lawyer willing to take the case. It had been what theycalled a “slam dunk case.” I was told more than once that I waslucky I was able to remember what had happened. Can you imaginethat? Telling a rape victim they were lucky. What a crock ofshit.
The drug Jason hadslipped into my last drink of the evening was called Rohypnol. Thedrug was supposed to knock me out cold and/or make me forget aboutthe experience altogether. Apparently, the one Jason had given mewas way past its expiration date and wasn’t as potent. Although ithad worked in making it impossible for me to get away, it didn’twork by making me blissfully unaware of what was happening tome.
The rape kit hadshown obvious bruising and swelling as well as tears along myvaginal walls from the force he used on me. That, coupled with hisobvious DNA, made my lawyer’s job fairly easy.
Jason was expelledimmediately from UGA and promptly arrested for his crimes. Myfather had a long-standing career as a politician for the State ofGeorgia, and a gag order was released so nobody could speak aboutthe case with anyone who wasn’t directly involved. We wouldn’t wantto sully the Brookes family name with my unfortunate scandal.
Jason had come froma fairly prominent family as well, but they washed their hands ofhim after they heard the evidence. They left him to clean up hisown mess, withdrawing their legal help and forcing him to use apublic defender. My lawyer had dragged his ass through the mud.When it was all said and done, he was left with time in prison aswell as forced to pay restitution in the form of a $1.5M check madefrom his inheritance. In the end, everyone was happy about theoutcome except for Jason and myself.
I may have beenricher but no amount of blood money could have healed the gapinghole left inside of me. I felt like someone had ripped my soul outof my body and replaced it with something broken and ugly.
I spun further outof control when I returned to school that following fall. I drank alot and partied too much. I skipped classes and my grades slippedso far that I lost my scholarship. Not that it matteredanymore.
The only way I feltI had control anymore was when I used my body. I had stopped beingso picky about who I let between my legs. If I could control who Ilet fuck me, it gave me some sense of false stability. I refused tolet Jason taint my need for human touch. I had almost alwaysenjoyed sex before, why couldn’t I still enjoy it … just with morepartners?
I was never with onefor more than a night or two, refusing to let myself feel anythingmore than the physical oblivion that came with a good orgasm. For awhile, I ran through lovers like I was collecting baseball cards.When I say I have been with every shade of the rainbow, I am notexaggerating.
As much as I likedto say my life leveled itself out after a while, that just wasn’ttrue. As hard as I tried to forget about that night, everythingabout that place reminded me of it. I couldn’t go more than a daywithout seeing one of Jason’s football buddies or one of his fratbrothers. They would look at me warily as if I was the one thatcaused all of this to happen. I couldn’t even walk past his oldfrat house without having a panic attack.
I felt like I wascompletely alone in the middle of the ocean just trying to keep myhead above water. I could never figure out why it was such a shockto everyone when I tried to end it all after I came home for thesummer.
My biggest regret isthat Kate was the one that found me bleeding in my bathtub thatday. She had known I wasn’t right in the head at the time and feltthe overwhelming urge to come to my parents’ house that day. Callit divine intervention or whatever that pushed her to come see me,but she saved my life that day. I’ll never forget the panicked lookin her eyes as she tried to stop the blood flowing from my arms. Iremember telling her I was so sorry over and over again. I decidedto get help for not only myself but also her and Lindsey. I neverwanted to see that look on her face again. It was the same look Ihad while Jason violated me.
I transferredschools and started seeing Dr. Yorker after that. Talking with herand leaning heavily on Kate helped me get through the worst of it.Watching Lindsey grow up and having a huge part in her life alsohelped. I had picked up some coping mechanisms along the way,obviously. Like myslightOCD. Everything had a place and Ionly freaked out alittlewhen my routine was thrownoff-kilter. I had a schedule that I followed and didn’t like toveer off course. I ruled my life with an iron fist and refused toapologize for it. I still drank, but never excessively. I wouldnever allow myself to spiral out of control again.
I still enjoyed theoccasional one-night stand, but I was a little more selective thanI used to be. I wanted to wake up still respecting myself in themorning. I saw Dr. Yorker regularly. It was always good to be ableto fully express myself in a safe space without the judgment thatsometimes followed. Doc had helped me just as much as Kate had whenI had been going through my dark shit. I had a lot of respect forthe woman and always felt at ease around her.
But not today. Todayher questions were grinding on my damn nerves.
“It makes me feelpissed off!” I stood, pacing back and forth, unable to sit stillany longer. “That fucker knew that was my client andstilltried to go after him.” I panted while pointing my finger at thinair like that prick Derek was standing in front of me.
Derek Vincant ownedthe rival publishing company in this part of the state. I swear thefucker got half his clientele just by stealing them from othercompanies. I was waiting for the day when I could punch thatpermanent smirk off his stupid face.
“In what world is itokay to fuck with someone else’s business?” I continued on my rant,still pacing.
“Jill, why don’tw—”
“I mean seriously,like why doesn’t he hire more people so they can draw in freshbusiness for him? It’s not that hard to understand.”
“Jill,can—”
“I bet he’s got alittle dick. That’s probably why he went out and bought that shinyred Porsche. Trying to overcompensate for something, buddy?”
