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I snap my laptop shut and start packing up my things. I’m supposed to be here for another hour, but no one but Avery ever comes by, and it’s obvious all I’m going to do is think about them. Better to do that at home if all I’m going to accomplish tonight is wallowing.
It’s a short drive from campus back to my apartment. I could walk it, as I’ve walked home from Avery’s house every time, but the days are getting colder and wetter, and the forecast called for rain today. Sure enough, by the time I spot the apartment complex, thick drops patter against my windshield. I park and rush up the steps and inside, hugging my bag to my chest to protect my laptop.
Leo isn’t home, likely at a class or doing his own office hours. That’s fine by me. I dump my stuff on the couchand drag myself through a shower. The warm water doesn’t clear my head, but it makes me feel a little calmer about the mess I’ve somehow made. I took one tangle of emotions and snarled them up in a new one, creating a knot I can’t even begin to unpick.
After my shower, I make myself a microwaveable meal covered in plastic. It’s probably full of chemicals, but it tastes alright and I don’t have the energy for better, so I sit on the floor with my back against the couch, turn on the TV and eat, barely seeing the old comedy autoplaying in front of me.
“Wow, bad day?” Leo says when he comes in.
It could have been an hour. It could have been four. I’ve been so busy replaying that conversation in my office that I have no idea. The microwaveable meal is cold on the coffee table and my back is starting to ache, so I assume it’s been more than a few minutes.
“It was a normal day,” I say.
Leo closes the door and tosses his keys on the kitchen counter, then joins me in the living room. He settles on the couch, leaning forward to sniff at my meal. He reels back immediately.
“That shit is gross. Did you really eat that?”
“It wasn’t that bad,” I say.
“I’m starting to hope you did have a bad day and this isn’t actually normal for you.”
“It was fine,” I say. “I just…”
Leo doesn’t know much about my situation with Avery. He knows I left that club with them. He knows I have some sort of complex interaction with a student. He hasn’t prodded me for any further details, and I’m not eager to give them, but tonight his nonchalance emboldens me to speak.
“I have this student,” I start.
“Thatstudent?” Leo says.
“Yes, that student. But this isn’t about … whatever’s going on there. This is about them as a student. Really,” I say, when Leo cocks an eyebrow. “They wrote this paper recently, and it was brilliant. It was incredible. It’s like they’re taking a completely different class than the rest of the students in that session. Nothing else I graded even came close to the care and research and detail in that paper. I have a feeling that if I let them fill twice as many pages, they would have, and it would have been just as brilliant.”
“But?” Leo prompts.
“But that’s all this is to them. It’s just a paper. Just a class. I asked them to see me during office hours so I could talk to them about their plans for after graduation. They said they’re just going to graduate and look for a job.”
“Not everyone wants to be a student until they’re thirty, Diego.”
“I know, I know, but if anyone should keep pursuing this field…”
Leo pats my shoulder. “I know you’re super passionateabout this. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. But not everyone wants a life in academia. It’s grueling. It’s thankless. Maybe they have other plans.”
“That’s the thing,” I say. “I don’t think they do. I think they’re going to graduate and get a job because they’ve never thought about doing things differently.”
“Is that so bad? It’s what a lot of people do.”
“It isn’t bad. I’m not saying it’s bad.” My words start running out ahead of me, tumbling past my lips before I can temper them. “For most people, it’s not bad, but for them, it’s a tragedy. They’re so brilliant, Leo. They could be taking any of my courses. They could be teaching my class instead of me. I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone as intelligent as them. And they’re going to throw it away when they graduate. All this will become a line on a resume and nothing more. I can’t stand thinking about it.
“So I told them that. I asked them what their plans are and told them I think they can do more, but they didn’t respond well. They seemed upset. I have no idea how to reach them. I have no idea how to make them see that they can have anything they want. And I just…”
My hands are balled into fists in my lap, my frustration physically biting into my skin as I dig my nails in.
“I want more for them,” I say. “I want them to go on and be better than I ever will be. I want them to change the world with that mind of theirs. They could really do it. They could publish in any journal, and it would be the kindof stuff that changes society, the kind of stuff that makes an actual difference. They could take a field that’s so new and so fragile and so … sounder attackby half the politicians in this country and make it indispensable.”
I only realize how long I’ve gone on once I finally stop. I need to catch my breath, and Leo is watching me with a smile tugging at one side of his mouth. Heat tickles the back of my neck, and I turn my face away before it can climb any higher.
“You really care about this,” Leo says.
I nod mutely.
