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“You really care about them.”
This time, I don’t even nod. I hold still, my heart in my throat and threatening to spill out of my mouth. I guess it already did, in a way. I thought I was talking about academics, but Leo heard the deeper truth under my gushing description of Avery’s intellect and potential. Rewinding the monologue in my head, I hear it too.
Shit. I didn’t intend to come out and say that. It happened before I could stop it, and now Leo’s grinning at the secret dumped into his lap.
All of me likes you, Avery.
I admitted that what feels like ages ago, and it hasn’t changed. If anything, the feeling’s intensified the more I’ve gotten to know them. Yet I haven’t been able to take that next step and use that bigger, scarier word.
“I guess,” I say. “But I’m still their TA. We’re trying tobe careful, at least until next semester. Even then, we should probably be cautious. It’s not illegal or anything, but the department would not be happy about it.”
“I’m sure they wouldn’t,” Leo says. “Look, I get it, man. I said that from the start. But it sounds like they don’t want to hear about their grades from you.”
“What else am I supposed to say? We were in my office.”
“In your office alone, I assume.”
“Sure, but…”
“They want you to let down the defenses,” Leo says. “Isn’t it obvious? You’re there talking about grad school and they’re trying to get something real out of you.”
“That is real,” I say. “I really want that for them. I really care about their future.”
“And what about your future?”
That pauses me. “What?”
“You talked to them about a future that takes them far away. Even if it keeps them here in Montridge, it’s a future that locks them into some program that you’ll complete long before them. You basically told them there’s no future for the two of you together, dummy.”
“I never said any of that.”
“I know,” Leo says. “But that’s how itsounds. They care about you, and you just said the best thing they can do is go off and be without you. That’s kind of cold, don’t you think?”
I blink. That’s not what I meant to say at all. It’s not what I thought I was saying. But when Leo describes it like this, I understand how Avery could get there. And right after they said they loved me and I didn’t respond.
Oh, Christ. What have I done?
I fold forward, putting my head in my hands. Leo scoots over on the couch and rubs my back. For a straight guy, he’s way too good at all of this.
“They said they love me,” I groan into my arms.
Leo’s hand stops. “Come again?”
“They said they love me. And I didn’t say it back.”
“Oh, Diego. Buddy. And you … you had this conversation about grad school shortly afterward?”
I nod, too ashamed to speak. Leo blows out a long breath, his exasperation gusting over me.
“Okay, so, you have some damage control you need to do here,” Leo says, “if you want to fix this.”
“I do.”
“Good. That’s step one.”
I lift my head. “What’s step two through ten?”
Leo’s grimace is too sympathetic for my liking. “If this was a girl, I might say flowers and chocolate. I don’t know how your person feels about that sort of thing, but it couldn’t hurt, right? Whatever it is, it needs to be sincere. You’re in deep, dude. You obviously care about them, whatever words you do or don’t use for that. How much does that mean to you?”
