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Sebastian settles back down atop me, as content as a cat sleeping in his favorite sunbeam. It would be so easy to pet his hair and see if he started purring like an actual cat. He just might. He seems that happy to be dozing on me.
And what about me? Why am I so content? Why am I here? I supposedly came over last night to make sure Sebastian and I were on the same page, to ensure he could keep this all a secret during the field trip next week. But what if he’s not actually the problem?
What if I am?
Sebastian hasn’t flinched at any of this. Whether I leave right away or spend the night, he’s taken it all in stride, at least from my point of view. What if it’s me who freaks out when I have to see him in a public place? What if I’m the one who can’t hold it together when I’m there with my entire class and trying to act like I’ve never seen him naked, like he’s a stranger, like I don’t know the sound and taste and look of his pleasure?
What if I’m the one who can’t do this?
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
Sebastian’s voice drags me from my spiraling thoughts.
“Nothing, sorry,” I say.
Sebastian pets his fingers over my bare chest. “You got all tense all of a sudden. Did I do something?”
I wince. Is that the impression I’ve been giving him? Does he really think any of this is his fault and not mine?
“You didn’t do anything,” I say. “I should probably get going.”
“Right, yeah.”
The disappointment in Sebastian’s voice threatens to claw a hole right through my chest. When he sits up in bed, my skin is so cold that goosebumps break out all over it. I quickly sit up as well and start looking for my clothes on the floor.
Why does it seem like I can only hurt him? I shouldn’t have such an effect on him. I’m the one who’s freaking out over all of this. He has the power to walk away and find a guy who actually deserves him, and I’m sure he has plenty of options. He should be okay.
I push the thought from my mind, get myself dressed and head to the bathroom to use that toothbrush he lent me last night. As I set it back down beside the sink, part of me wonders if he’ll leave it there — and if I want him to leave it there. It sits beside the sink like a promise, but I don’t know if it’s a promise I can actually keep. Should I throw it out, end the charade? Or do I leave it there as though I’ll come back here some day and need it again?
In the end, I leave it. It’s not my decision to make. Sebastian can throw it out if it’s in his way. I made it clear I’m only a visitor.
Sebastian is pulling those loose, baggy, but artistically draped pants on when I re-enter the bedroom. He’s shirtless, and for a second my eyes flicker over his smooth, bare chest.
I swallow hard and clear my throat.
“So, I’ll see you next week,” I say.
For a second, Sebastian’s face brightens. Then he evidently remembers. “For the field trip,” he says.
“Yeah. I hope that’s okay.”
He tries to smile, but it doesn’t have the warmth of that smile from last night, that smile that made it impossible for me to undo the mistake of staying here.
“It’ll be fine, Luke. I promise. You don’t have anything to worry about.”
It’s not you I’m worried about. It’s me.
I nod, not trusting myself to say anything out loud, not with him looking like that first thing in the morning, not with the scent of his hair lingering in my nose, not with my whole chest missing the warmth and weight of him atop it.
I pat at my pockets, find my wallet, keys and phone where I left them. Sebastian offers to escort me to his door as though I could get lost in this cozy little apartment, and I let him. I pause at the threshold, and for an insane moment, I think of bending down and kissing him goodbye. One little peck. I know it would light up his whole face. I know it would stick to my lips for the rest of the day.
I hesitate too long. The fear wins out. I’ve already done too much, and it’s past time for me to slink back into my self-imposed seclusion.
“Thanks,” I say. “For all of this.”
Sebastian smiles at me, but it’s thin and watery, and I can’t help feeling like that’s all my fault.
Chapter Thirteen
