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“Can I stay?”
Chapter Twelve
Luke
THE WORDS PASS MY lips before I can stop them. I make no move to take them back, however. Some part of me doesn’t want to take them back; some part of me wants Sebastian to agree.
I’m drunk off that blowjob, drunk off him, and it’s making me think crazy things. But before I can regret the words, a huge smile cracks his face open.
“Yes, of course,” he says. “I have a spare toothbrush. I don’t think any of my things will fit you, but you can sleep naked. Or, um, not naked. I didn’t mean… I wasn’t implying… You can sleep however you want.”
“Thanks.”
I don’t know what to make of that flurry of words, but Sebastian’s excitement is clear, and I can’t bear to take it awayfrom him.
We get ourselves up, but don’t go immediately to bed. It’s a little early for that, which means I have to spend an awkward hour on the couch watching TV with Sebastian. Neither of us say anything. He curls up on his side of the couch; I sit silently on mine. But even though I don’t touch him, he keeps beaming the entire time, the smile never entirely falling off his lips.
My chest feels tight and weird. Sebastian is so obviously overjoyed by this, but it doesn’t make any sense. He said he meets a lot of guys at the club where he dances. Surely he’s dated some of them. Surely some of them stay. Guys must fall over themselves to be near Sebastian. I can’t be the first one who’s spent the night at his place.
Can I?
I never ask, even when we eventually do head off to bed. Sebastian offers me a brand new toothbrush, as promised, and I clean up as much as I can. I sleep in briefs, and I see how Sebastian eyes me up when I climb under the sheets that way, but I don’t do anything about it. Everything suddenly feels dangerous and important. If we fucked again tonight, would thatmeansomething? The past two times were clearly hookups, but this is the first time I’ve asked to stay, the first time I’ve hung out with him, even if it was just watching TV. This is the first time I’ve been in his bed simply to sleep.
“Hey,” Sebastian says, his voice soft in the dark. “Would it be okay if I, um, got a little closer?”
I must be some sort of idiot because I don’t say no. I don’t pull away. I don’t leave the way I should. I open my arm and welcome him in, and when Sebastian settles on my chest, it feels so nice that I fall asleep in seconds.
THERE’S A MOMENT right after waking up when I assume I’m home in my own bed. The blurry ceiling leaves me confused, even after I blink the sleep from my eyes. It’s too white, it’s too low. It’s all wrong, but I can’t sort out why.
Then the memory comes rushing back.
I look down carefully and find dark hair and a limp limb sprawled over my chest. Sebastian fell asleep on top of me, and apparently didn’t move the entire night. Even now, he looks so peaceful, so content. I can’t bring myself to disturb him, even in service of freaking out over the fact that I’m in his bed.
I really did it. I really asked to stay. I can’t believe those words came from me, and that I stuck by them. Sebastian looked so happy about it, too, like this doesn’t happen to him all the time, like men aren’t eager to spend the next day with him. That can’t be. If I had the freedom to stay here, I’d miss the entire rest of the school year. Someone whoisn’t as deep in the closet as me must be leaping at the opportunity to date Sebastian, to make him breakfast in bed, to leave a toothbrush in his bathroom, to do all those cute, couple-y things that are out of reach for me.
In thirty years, it never really bothered me that I couldn’t have those things. I made a choice a long time ago, a choice that I wouldn’t go down the pathhedid because I wasn’t strong enough to face it like he did. I accepted the consequences of that decision from day one.
This is the first time I’ve ever questioned that choice.
My hand tingles with the desire to smooth Sebastian’s hair away from his face. I yearn to wake him with gentle kisses, to lie here in bed with him all morning, to snuggle on the couch and watch garbage television until we get bored and handsy. All of that ordinary stuff has been out of reach for me since the day I made that choice. I was only a teenager, but I’ve never once wavered in my conviction.
Until today.
There’s no taking back the fact that I stayed here last night. I have to move forward instead. I can still stay true to my convictions. I can still keep myself safe. I just have to play this morning very, very carefully.
I dare not move for a while, sure that the moment I do it’ll wake Sebastian. It’s one thing to say that I’ll hold strong and get out of here, but it’ll be quite another thing to actually do it with Sebastian warm and sleepy and smilingat me. Why am I so damn helpless any time I seem to make him happy?
I lie there listening to my whirling thoughts for what feels like hours. I memorize every little pattern and scrape on Sebastian’s ceiling while my mind goes on replaying last night over and over, wondering where I cracked, where my resolve wavered. It was somewhere between my own post-nut clarity and Sebastian’s, those moments when I was the one down on my knees. I got too intoxicated by him, and the next time I opened my mouth to speak, too much spilled out.
Sebastian groans softly, squirming on top of me as he wakes. My arm lies draped around him. I hurry to move it before he catches me, but it doesn’t seem to make much difference. The moment he’s awake, he smiles up at me, his skin rosy with the lingering touch of sleep. Messy, dark hair falls across his forehead, and the urge to brush it away finally overwhelms me. I sweep it back, combing it away with my fingers, and Sebastian’s eyes flutter shut with a bliss that rivals either of the two orgasms I’ve given him. Something so simple shouldn’t begin to compare, but Sebastian’s contented sigh wafts across my bare chest, sealing my fate.
I’ve made a horrible mistake. I’m in too deep, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
“Morning,” Sebastian says. His voice is scratchy and rough with sleep, but that’s somehow even more charming than his usual sweet tone.
“Morning,” I manage. “Sorry if I woke you.”
“You didn’t.”
