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I’m scared of the hold that he still manages to have on me.
I won’t survive another heartbreak from Killian. And that scares me the most.
* * *
“Ainsley,”my mother’s voice floats from down the hall. “Can you come down here, please? Someone is here to see you.”
I roll out of bed, a sigh leaving my lips as my feet hit the floor. With everything that has been happening lately, I really don’t know that I’m up for any visitors. And the only person who I think that it could possibly be would be Hudson… which seems off, because last I talked to him, he was still at school.
My bare feet pad down the hallway, and I take my time going down the stairs. Soft voices float from the kitchen and I can pick out my mom’s, but not the other. As I walk down the hall, the sounds get louder and I’m able to decipher the other voice that I’m hearing… Jude.
My stomach sinks and my blood pressure instantly rises as the anger courses through my veins. I pause just outside of the doorway to the kitchen, inhaling deeply through my nose and exhaling through my mouth, just like I’ve been taught to do in therapy. Inside my head, I count to five, each time taking another deep breath.
It doesn’t erase the things that have happened in the past with my brother. It doesn’t take away from all of the damage that has been done and the terse relationship that we’ve always had, but it’s enough to give me a sense of peace.
If he’s here to give me more bullshit, all I have to do is turn around and walk right out the fucking door. I don’t need any negative energy from him to cloud the inner peace that I’ve worked so hard to find. The last time I saw Jude was the last time that I used. It was the night that everything went to shit.
All I can hope is that this isn’t going to be triggering and suck me back down into the deep, dark hole that I struggled to resurface from.
Exhaling slowly, I straighten my spine and walk into the kitchen, my head held high and my shoulders pushed back. My eyes find Jude sitting at the kitchen island as he talks to my mother who stands opposite him, on the other side of the counter. Jude looks back at me, the smile dropping from his face as a solemn look encompasses his expression.
“Hi sweetie,” my mom says sweetly, turning to give me a warm smile as she notices Jude’s attention leaving her. “Jude stopped by to see how you were doing.”
I nod, giving her a small smile before glancing back at my brother. “Hey.”
Jude tears his gaze from mine, his eyes finding my mothers. “Do you think that you could give us a minute? I wanted to talk to Ainsley alone, if that’s okay.”
My mother looks at me, knowing that Jude and I have always had such a rough relationship. “Is that alright with you, Ainsley?”
I swallow hard over the knives in my throat, feeling my stomach roll with anxiety, but I nod instead. “I’ll be okay, Mom. I know what I need to do if it’s triggering in any way.”
As I walk deeper into the kitchen, my mother walks out, squeezing my hand as she passes me. There’s an awkward silence as I stand opposite Jude, watching him as he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. I still don’t know why he’s here, but judging by the look on his face, I don’t think it’s to give me another lecture.
“How have you been, little sis?” he asks, his voice soft as his eyes bounce back and forth between mine. “Mom’s been keeping me updated on your treatment and everything.”
“I still have a long way to go, but I’m definitely doing much better than the last time that I saw you.”
Jude’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows hard, wringing his hands in front of him as he rests his arms on the countertop. “About that… I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for being such a fucking asshole to you that day. You were obviously not in a good place and I pushed you too far. Sorry doesn’t even begin to explain how badly I feel for that.”
I stare back at him, tilting my head to the side as my brow furrows. “You can’t blame yourself for that, Jude. Sure, you were an asshole, but ultimately it was my own doing. You didn’t force me to walk home that way. You couldn’t have possibly known that I would go get high. I don’t blame you for it. It was me that did it.”
“But you weren’t strong enough and I should have recognized that instead of pushing you to that point. I mean fuck…” He pauses, letting out an exasperated sigh. “Of all people, I should know. I had a fucking pill problem. I should have fucking known and I shouldn’t have been such a shithead to you.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” I assure him, my voice quiet as the emotion grows thick in my throat. “I did a lot of fucked up shit, but there is literally no one to blame but myself. And I have fully accepted responsibility for everything I’ve done and all of the damage that I’ve inflicted.”
Jude’s brow furrows as a wave of remorse passes through his eyes. “I know that I said a lot of shit to you, but I didn’t mean any of it. It’s not your fault that mom and dad split. I was just looking for someone to blame because I refused to believe the truth. You were such an easy target, and I wanted so much more for you in life, Ains. The last thing that I wanted for you was to become a fuck up like me. What I didn’t see was everything that you were dealing with internally.”
I laugh lightly in an effort to ease the tension in the room. “I mean, I’m sure my problems didn’t help their marriage, but you are right. Dad was cheating on her for so fucking long. It was only a matter of time before everything came to surface and their marriage finally detonated.”
“I know that now. I struggle sometimes to deal with my own shit, too and deflect. I need to apologize to Killian and hopefully we can start fresh. I wasn’t the most welcoming to him, but I didn’t want him to add to your destruction.” He pauses, pulling his arms from the counter as he runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “I just wanted you to know that I really am sorry for how horribly I’ve treated you in the past. We’ve never had a good relationship, but I’m hoping that it’s not too late.”
Inhaling deeply, I push back the tears that well in my eyes. After all of these years, this is what I’ve always wanted from my brother—a brother who actually cares. Someone else who could be there for me. Someone who comes from the same place as me.
I stare back at him as he watches me with eyes filled with a mix of emotions. Guilt, remorse, and sadness. But in the sad storm that brews in his irises, there’s a glimmer of hope. And isn’t that what we’re all really looking for? Something that can give us some sense of hope?
We’ve both been through so much over the years—whether it was between our own internal struggles or just the bullshit that we experienced with our family that the outside world was hidden from. We both treated each other poorly and there’s nothing that we can do to change that now. All that we can do is move forward and hope for a better future.
“We are all constant works in progress, Jude.” I pause, a smile forming on my lips. “I don’t think that it’s too late. And this is definitely a good start—a move in the right direction.”
