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Ainsley gasps, jumping up from her bench by her piano as I collapse onto my knees in an uncoordinated fashion. “What the hell? Are you okay?” Her words come out in a rush, but she’s frozen in place.
A laugh rumbles in my chest and I shake my head as I rise to my feet, feeling like a fucking idiot. “I’m fine. I just lost my balance.” Instinctively, my eyes scan her body, taking in her short shorts and sleep tank-top. My gaze hovers over her breasts as her nipples poke through the thin cotton material.
Ainsley clears her throat and I quickly meet her glare with a smirk forming on my face. “Were you out there eavesdropping?” She questions me, narrowing her eyes as she crosses her arms over her chest to block my view.
I cock an eyebrow. “You left your door open. I didn’t know that this was a private show.”
“It must not have shut completely after I came inside,” she speaks her thoughts out loud, not actually talking to me. “You know that I don’t play for anyone.”
“You do for me.”
Pain flashes in her eyes, but it vanishes. “I used to for you,” she whispers, her voice barely audible.
I stare back at her, the color draining from my face as my smirk falls. The walls feel like they are closing in. I can’t breathe. I’m drowning. “I’m sorry for interrupting you,” I admit honestly as I swallow down the anxiety inside. “I actually came by your room to see if we could talk.”
Ainsley’s chest rises as she takes a deep breath and sighs. She gives me a small smile and shakes her head. “Can this wait until tomorrow or another day?” Ainsley pauses, turning away from me as she turns off her electric piano. “I’m actually pretty beat and wanna get some sleep.”
Her rejection stings, but I don’t dare let her see the bloodstain on my shirt from the knife she just lodged in my chest. “Sure.” I smile back at her, nodding. “You know where to find me.”
She remains silent, staring at me like she’s just seen a ghost. I tip my head down, one last time before spinning on my heel and heading back out of her room. As I reach the doorway, Ainsley calls out to me. “I’m off in two days,” she says quietly. “Want to talk about it over lunch?”
The pressure releases from my chest—just a little bit. I glance over my shoulder, flashing my teeth at her. “Sounds perfect. Just let me know when and where.”
“Okay,” she whispers again.
I don’t wait for her to say anything else because I know that she’s not going to bless me with any more of her words. Today has been a mindfuck for both of us. I don’t know where we go from here. I don’t know if we are even going to be going anywhere together.
A lot can change in three months, especially with no contact. I know what Raina said, but she’s not speaking for Ainsley. She’s just speaking about what she has observed.
In the time that I was away from Ainsley, I focused solely on working on myself. It was fucking hard and I hated every second of it, but looking back now, it was all worth it. I’m not in love with myself, but I’m happier. I don’t feel that constant self-loathing. I’m good with who I am and how I am, even if I am a little difficult at times.
What I don’t know is how Ainsley feels anymore.
But I intend on finding out.
I’ve finally come to terms with everything and am at peace with how things played out between us. There used to be so much pain and hatred, but now there’s only acceptance. There’s nothing that we can do to change or control what has happened in the past. We can only control some aspects of our future.
And now I know, if Ainsley doesn’t want me anymore, I have to completely let her go.
TWENTY-EIGHT
AINSLEY
Dropping down onto my bed, I fall backward onto my back. I turn my head to the side, staring at my bedroom door. The same door that Killian just stumbled through and then walked back out of. It still feels unreal. He’s actually here again. We’re back to where it all began. But it’s not like that anymore.
There’s a shift in the air. It’s completely different, but whatever it is, I can’t quite put my finger on it.
After our encounter at dinner, I wasn’t sure if I would be seeing him again tonight. I quickly disappeared upstairs in an effort to not see him. I know, it’s all fucked up and makes no sense. Because I do want to see him. I just don’t know that I’m ready to. He wants to talk, to have a conversation. I. Am. Not. Ready.
I honestly can’t even form a possible thought of what he would want to talk about. I mean, there’s so much that we do need to talk about, but at the same time, not knowing what it’s about is what is tearing me apart inside.
It could be something as simple as just talking about our time apart and how it was for both of us. The changes that we made. All of our progress… but nothing with Killian is simple. He doesn’t operate on that wavelength. He doesn’t waste time fucking around with the jovial bullshit.
Killian wants to talk about the real issue here.
He wants to talk about us.
I wasn’t lying when I said that I was beat, because after all of this, I am mentally exhausted. I want nothing more than to climb under my covers and just slip away into the darkness where I can pretend that I don’t have to face him. For once, I just want it to be easy. And I’m scared.
