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I know she’s hurt, and arguing will help mask her pain. I won’t do it. I won’t make our last moments together ugly.
“Lana, I’m sorry if I made it seem that way. I have to go but know that I’ll always love you. Maybe we can be together one day.”
“What makes you think I want that? I’m getting married.”
“I know,” I say softly as I leave the room and her life probably forever.
As I step out onto the street, the morning light is just dawning. I wasn’t even aware of what time it was until now. I glance at my watch and see that it’s a little after 5:00 AM.
Chapter 13
Today is June twentieth, and I want to hide from the world because it’s Lana’s wedding day. Even though I told her not to, she sent me an invitation. The last thing I want to do is see her get married to Declan Blair. He doesn’t deserve her, the bastard. It gives me a shred of satisfaction to know that I fucked her when they were together.
Five weeks ago was the last time I spoke to her. Our union seemed to lighten her spirits, and Paige reported that she came out of her depression. It’s amazing what one good hard fuck with your ex can do to your emotions. Me, on the other hand, I’m a mess.
I called Dr. Amundsen that next Monday after Lana, and I had sex to ask if he could see me immediately. I needed to confess my sins because the guilt was tearing me apart. I did something I never thought I would do; I slept with a woman who belonged to someone else.
I’ve had regular sessions twice a week since then, and though I feel better, I still have some guilt. I asked Paige not to give me any more status updates on Lana; I didn’t want to know. I felt it would only hold me back from moving on.
I pursued Jenna, and we see each other several times a week. We haven’t had sex yet more my choice than hers. I want to take it slow. She’s fun and sassy with a take no shit attitude. I guess that comes from working in a male-dominated field.
She asked me to go for a drive to The Hamptons this weekend to hang out with friends, but I turned her down. I want to be left alone today. I want to wallow in self-pity. Of course, I didn’t tell her what the reason was for my melancholy. I just told her I had some work to do.
Everything I do today will be to quell the anger I feel. I hit the treadmill at a blistering pace for much too long. My heart is pounding so hard it feels like it’s going to rip out of my chest by the time I finish. I take a freezing cold shower and force myself to stay under until my scalp aches with chill. It’s still early but never too early to start on whiskey when the one you love is marrying someone else.
I pour three fingers worth and throw a few cubes of ice in the glass. I look out the window at the sun shining in the cloudless sky. Perfect day for a wedding, the same type of day we were to be married. I sit out on the terrace in my boxers and watch the boats on the Hudson in the distance. This is how I spend most of the next two days, drinking and watching the city move around me while I stand still.
Monday, I contemplate calling out of work and staying home. It’s quiet in the office with the entry of summer. Any projects we have going on are running smoothly. I can take a break if I want, but I need something to do so I head to Eltech. I stop at the newsstand and pick up The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times. I’m paging through them when Lucian comes in.
“How’s it going?”
“Don’t ask.”
I look up at him with bloodshot eyes. I consumed so much whiskey this weekend; I’m sure it’s leaking out of my pores.
“You don’t look good.”
“Lucian, don’t say it.”
“I wasn’t. I just want to know you’re okay.”
“I’m not, and you know why. Close the door.”
He does and then sits down in the leather chair in front of my desk.
“I’m going to tell you something that you shouldn’t ever repeat. Promise me you won’t. Not to Olivia or anyone else.”
“I promise. What’s the big secret?”
“I had sex with Lana.”
“What? When?” he practically yells.
“A few weeks ago. Declan was away, and she was falling apart. Paige called me worried and said I was the only one that could help her.”
“So, you slept with her in that state?”
“Against my better judgment, I got into bed with her. She wanted me to hold her while she slept. I was worried if I didn’t stay, she would do something to herself. She had three different anti-depressant prescriptions and mixed two of them besides having a glass of wine. I made her throw up. She was so depressed.”
