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“Olivia,” I softly call.
She doesn’t turn, but I hear her exhale loudly. “What Lucian? Do you have more barbs to shoot at me?”
I went and stood behind her, inhaling her perfume. “No, I want to apologize. I shouldn’t have been so harsh to you. I don’t like talking about my wife, but I also don’t need anyone’s pity.”
“Is that what you think? That I’m pitying you?” She turns, and our faces are only inches apart. Her warm breath fans out against my lips, and it would be a short distance to cover if I leaned over to press them against hers. Her green eyes narrow at me, growing dark.
“What else could it be?” I say quietly.
“It’s compassion, empathy. I understand your loss.”
“Do you?” I question, recoiling slightly. “Have you ever lost your spouse?”
“No, but I lost someone I loved very much. It’s the same thing.”
“It’s not. You will never know just how different it is until you lose someone like my wife.”
“Then I don’t know if that will ever happen to me.”
“It will. You’re too good to stay single.”
Seconds later, I realize I’ve overstepped my bounds and hurry out of the kitchen without speaking another word. I rapidly jam the call button for the elevator, and when it doesn’t come right away, I head to the stairs, my heart racing. I have to get away before she comes after me. I feel like some stupid schoolboy.
On the floor below, I press the elevator button again and hold my breath. I hear the car pass me up to Eltech’s level. The car eventually comes down, and when the door opens, I hold my breath, hoping Olivia isn’t in it. Somewhat relieved when she’s absent, I get in and wait for it to close again. By the time I’m a few floors down, I’m sweating. I swipe my fingers across my brow, mentally chanting to myself how stupid, stupid, stupid I am.
The wind is blowing when I hit the street, and it’s cooled down considerably since I went inside this morning. I’m thankful as it chills the embarrassment heating my face. How could I say those things to Olivia? In my mind, she’s indeed too good to remain single, but I shouldn’t be the one to tell her.
I walk part of the way home before I realize it’s too many blocks and will take me forever. If I were wearing sneakers instead of dress shoes, I would run home. Instead, I hail a cab and chew on the inside of my cheek the whole way while recalling the angry look on Olivia’s face. God, she looked sexy when she was mad. I wonder if that passion transfers to the bedroom. I can feel myself hardening, which makes me agitated. For the rest of the trip, I try willing my erection to disappear.
When I get home, I immediately change into my sweats and go for a long run on the treadmill to work off my frustration. Sweat is pouring off my body by the time I finish, and my hair is soaked. After I down a full bottle of water in almost one gulp, I head to the shower, discarding my clothing on the floor.
The water relaxes my muscles as it pounds against my body. I try to keep my mind clear of Olivia, but it’s futile. Her beautiful face keeps cropping up in my mind, along with the soft swell of her breasts and her shapely hips that I want to grab hold of while I slide into her.
“FUCK! Stop thinking about her!” I scream. “I’m sorry, Cassie, I’m so sorry!”
I sink to the tiled floor and begin to cry. I miss Cassie so much that I’m conflicted by how to process the feelings I have for Olivia. The more I try to push them away, the more they surface. I want to be true to Cassie’s memory. I owe her that since I was powerless to save her.
After several minutes, I rise sluggishly and finish washing. While I dry myself, I look in the mirror. Combing my hair, I passively note how my body has become more defined. Cassie used to tell me that I looked like a Greek statue with muscles carved from marble. If that were the case, then she was statuesque herself. She had a beautiful, soft body with generous curves that I loved holding in my arms at night. That is, until cancer ravaged her. The memory makes me sick to my stomach, and I shake my head to push it away.
It’s still early, but I’m not hungry, even as my stomach growls continuously. I pull off the towel around my waist and slip under the cool sheets of my bed, clinging to my pillow. It’s all I have to comfort me now. I fall into an uneasy sleep, dreaming of Cassie in her last days. She points at me with her bony finger, accusing me of not saving her, not loving her enough to care.
I wake up in a cold sweat; my pillow wet from my tears. The clock on my nightstand reads 3:38 AM. There is no way after that nightmare that I’m going back to sleep, so I rise from bed and dig out another pair of sweats so I can go work out again. By the time I finish running at full speed on the treadmill, my heart is pounding. I do another half-hour set of weights, and when I complete those, it’s after five.
As my body cools down, I realized how starved I am since I barely ate the day before. Before I do anything else, I shovel down a large bowl of oatmeal with raisins and bananas. I feel better by the time I shower. That is until my mind starts to drift to Olivia again. It probably makes sense for me to call Lexi and tell her I can’t come to dinner tonight. I don’t want to the cause of any tension at the table.
I shower, then dress casually in black jeans and a gray v-neck sweater. It’s a bit tight across the chest, so I probably need to purchase some new clothing now that I’ve gained weight. Outside, the streets are just starting to come alive as I board the subway.
It’s still early, and I check my emails to keep me occupied on the ride. I’m lost in my own world until I look up and catch a beautiful blonde watching me out of the corner of her eye. She looks away when she realizes I’ve caught her, and I can see a deep blush creeping onto her cheeks.
I almost chuckle to myself. Years ago, I would have approached her to ask her on a date. But that was then, and now I have my memories of Cassie, which is enough. At least that’s what I tell myself. My guilt over wanting Olivia is still fresh in my mind.
The walk from the subway is refreshing because the weather has changed, leading me to remove the coat I thought I would need. It’s warmer than yesterday, and I hope it holds for Rory and Hunter since they are getting married in a little over two weeks from now. I want my beautiful niece to have a wonderful wedding day.
I’m one of the first to arrive in the office. It’s only 7:30 AM, so not even the receptionist is in. I settle at my desk, hoping for an uneventful day. As soon as a decent hour rolls around, I’ll call Lexi to let her know I won’t be joining the family for dinner. It’s better that way. I need some time to smooth things over with Olivia anyhow.
I check my work email to find that Olivia sent me the spreadsheet and her notes. It gives me something to do, and for the next three hours, I spend my time working on cost efficiencies. It’s 10:45 AM when I pick up the phone and call Lexi while steeling myself.
“Lexi,” I say when the line picks up.
