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Chapter 17
Nate started the day of Tech Start with as many rituals as he could: breathing rituals, bullet journaling, prayer, and working out. Because he would have to be on stage in front of people, even if not speaking, he also took a Xanax before meeting the team at the Convention Center. All the bases: covered.
“I’m not nervous; I’m excited,” he told himself. He was in the parking lot for the Convention Center, his mind already moving over the cars in the lot, making silent counts and estimations. “I’m excited.”
This was a trick he’d learned to try to harness the same chemical responses in his body to the anxiety, shifting them toward another response. It was more than just self-talk, though it started with the talking. Fascinating, really, how the body worked. Excitement and anxiety seemed like opposite ends of the spectrum, not like they were really just the same thing.
“I’m excited. I am.”
He was excited. Truly. Over a year of planning and working. Starting with plans alone, building and working and coding. Convincing Zane and Todd to come on board and watching their excitement grow. Finding Alisa to round out the team. They wouldn’t be where they were without her. Maybe she and Zane would finally get together. At least someone deserved a happy ending.
Dang. He said he wasn’t going to think about Colby today. He wanted to banish her from his mind today of all days. He could go back to his misery first thing tomorrow. It was a challenge when she was so close to his thoughts. Almost ingrained there—she had been for years now. She had her own piece of real estate in his mind, a prime listing.
It had been over a week now since he last saw her, leaving her in the dark hallway, hearing the heartbreak in her voice. Feeling that same heartbreak echoing in his body.
Why couldn’t he have just said something? She asked. She practically begged him. She would have given him another chance—he could see it in her face.
He should have just called.
He had her number in his phone, always had.
He couldn’t.
He was a mess.
She wouldn’t want him if she knew.
She would look at him with pity and that would kill him.
He was a disappointment.
The phone buzzed in his hand. He hadn’t realized he was holding it.
“You here yet?” Todd said.
“I’m in the parking lot.”
There was a quiet moment. Todd tried to speak in a cheerful voice. “Everything okay?”
Nate sighed. This was why he couldn’t tell Colby. Just like the guys, she would treat him with kid gloves. With pity. They meant well. They were trying. But they clearly expected him to crumble with the presentation looming and with the fallout from Colby. They were right to, in a sense.
How many people would want to invest in their app if they knew that the founder struggled with an anxiety disorder?
How many girls would want a relationship with someone like him who had to take daily medication and go through so many rituals just to get through a normal day?
“I’ll be right in,” Nate said, hanging up on Todd.
Joining the crowds funneling into the Convention Center, Nate was able to focus on his breathing. It wasn’t so bad, really. He was surrounded by tech people who all had their own idiosyncrasies. Probably the same way people across many different niches and subgroups did. He probably went completely unnoticed in the crowd as he made his way to their booth.
Todd, Zane, and Alisa were already there, in clothing that matched his: a little dressier for the occasion, but still with some of their own flare. Zane grinned when he saw Nate.
“Nice shirt,” he said.
Nate grinned. “Seemed fitting, yeah?” Nate had paired a suit jacket with dark jeans and a T-shirt that had four graphic hearts from the old game Legend of Zelda. Three were red and the fourth half-red and half-white.
“We should do something like that for a new logo,” Alisa said. “That would be so perfect.”
“She’s right,” Zane said. “It would be fun.”
