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But it was also empty and unwelcoming. Besides a few sentimental items – photos and one of the blankets they made together and a few treasures here and there – everything was gone. Sandy now had a mattress on the floor, a chair next to the counter that she used as a table, and an old AM/FM radio in the corner her grandmother lived to listen to and that Sandy couldn’t bring herself to throw away. She hadn’t even gotten around to getting her own furniture yet.
Honestly, she wasn’t even sure what kind of style she liked. Should she keep it the same old fashioned, cluttered, happy mess her grandmother preferred? Or would that be dishonoring her wishes? Did she go completely opposite and try for the sleek, modern, minimalist design? Because that didn’t feel like her style at all, and she hadn’t even tried it yet.
Sandy sat down on the mattress, looking at herself. She wore what her grandmother wore, because they had been about the same size, and making one dress meant they both got something new to wear. And her grandmother had an older style, so that meant Sandy had an older style. How old did she have to be before they were age appropriate? Did mid-thirties not count?
Her calf length skirt was brown tweed, her stockings were beige and warm, her shoes were clunky and, yes, comfy because they were orthopedic. That also meant they were ugly, and though she loved them, she couldn’t even deny that. Her blouse was cotton, with bell sleeves to her wrists, and a scoop collar right up to her neck with a cute little pink bow that was the only color she wore – and it was a faded, dusky kind of pink because it was recycled from old fabric.
She dressed like an old woman, up to and including the granny panties. Which were very comfortable, so she felt they got a bad rap. Sandy wasn’t even sure what lace or silk felt like on the skin, because she’d never worn it.
It could be fun to try though, right? To maybe feel sexy, not just comfy? Heck, did she even feel cute in this outfit, or did she wear it because her grandmother looked cute in it? They looked pretty similar, but they weren’t perfectly identical.
Their face shape was similar, with round faces, thin brows, and thin lips. They also had the same green eyes and long limbs. But her grandmother had been stooped with age while Sandy still stood tall and proud. Her grandmother’s skin was sagging and wrinkled, while Sandy’s was still young and taut. Her grandmother had a cap of gray curls, carefully maintained with curlers and a beauty routine straight from the forties or fifties. Meanwhile, Sandy still had all the brown in her hair, though she kind of just ignored it, so it was long, to her waist, without layers or bangs or anything else that a hair stylist might have talked her into. Because she never went to one. She and her grandmother took turns cutting each other’s hair, and straight across was about as fancy as her grandmother got.
So, she could certainly change up her style. Maybe get something new and pretty. But at the same time, the idea of trying on clothing was daunting. How was she supposed to know what looked good? Even in college, when the other girls had been finding themselves and their styles, she’d lived in jeans and t-shirts – usually school t-shirts – until she returned home. She had never worn revealing clothing before, but what if that was something she had to try? How did she match colors and patterns? Were sequins in fashion? What about fur? What would her grandmother say?
Stop asking me for every damn thing and think for yourself, girlie!
Yeah, that’s exactly what she would say, Sandy thought with a sad smile as she ran her hand over her tweed skirt.
Her clothes were brown and beige and old fashioned, but she shared this wardrobe with her grandmother, and it was hard to say goodbye to it for no good reason. It had been strange enough just to get up to go to the True Match appointment. And that had already been made and paid for long before her grandmother even passed! How was she supposed to just randomly decide to go out and do all these things?
It wasn’t a matter of courage. Sandy wasn’t really afraid – something she definitely inherited from both her grandmother and her mother. Tollman women didn’t fear anything. It was more the idea of suddenly having to make all these choices that she’d never thought of before that was overwhelming.
Blowing out a breath, she fell back onto her bed. The blankets and pillows were all hers. An abundance of softness and warmth that she had refused to leave behind. Yes, because they had made them together, but also because they made her happy. And she knew her grandmother would tell her to keep on doing things that made her happy.
‘Be adventurous. But not stupid! Okay? I didn’t raise no fool. Well, not two of them, anyway. I’m not saying go out and get arrested! Or if you do, make it like a drunk and disorderly. Something fun that won’t leave a permanent mark, you know? That’s what living is! You’re a strong girl, Sandy. Your momma got that too, even if she turned it in a direction I don’t quite understand. Us Tollman women are headstrong and independent and stubborn. You got just as much of that as any of us. I’ve had too many fights with you to think otherwise.’
Sandy, eyes closed, ready to take a nap after the long trip and all the nerves of the day wore her out, couldn’t help but smile.
She loved her grandmother dearly, but of course they fought. Usually over silly stuff. And sometimes, it would end with them giving each other the silent treatment. Both of them being foolish and stubborn. And then her grandmother would switch the sugar for salt or something equally childish. Or Sandy would put dye in her grandmother’s shampoo, turning her white hair pink or green or some other such color. And the petty revenge would make them laugh until they cried. And when it was all over, they wouldn’t even remember why they were mad in the first place.
Sandy turned into her pillow, holding it tight. Imagining it was her grandmother. Her pillows still smelled like home, and she didn’t want to wash them for fear that scent would go away. Not for the first time, tears began soaking into the fabric as she remembered the good times. The bad times. All the times she’d never get to have again.
‘And since I know you’re still crying over me – despite me clearly telling you not to! – I’ll just end it with this: I love you, my girl. You’re the brightest part of my life. A precious star that no force can drag me from, not even death. I don’t know what’s waiting for us in the great beyond, but I can promise you this: I’m going to find a nice, comfy place to sit, get me some yarn or something similar, and wait. And when you show up – which better not be for at least fifty years or more! – I want to hear all your stories. All your adventures. We’ll sit on that great couch in the sky, or the racks in hell, whichever, and we’ll reminisce then.
‘So, stop that pouting. I know you’re doing it. Gather yourself up, give yourself a kick in the butt, and get out there so you have some good ones to tell me! Be brave, my Sandy girl. Be true to yourself but be fearless and explore. I love you. So much. Thanks for gilding my golden years. Now go out there and sparkle!
Love,
Lexi Tollman
PS: Don’t you dare name your kids after me! This world has enough Alexandra Tollmans in it. It can’t handle another one! Love you!’
Sandy fell asleep with a smile on her face. Dreaming of what she wanted her first adventure to be.
She didn’t know how much later it was when her phone started ringing.
Her eyes opened, heavy from a nap interrupted, as she pulled it from her pocket. She yawned and looked at it, wondering who would be calling her. She didn’t really have friends or family left.
But the caller ID said True Match.
And her heart skipped a beat.
Chapter 2
Rane
The burn of the heated viti liquor scorched down Rane’s throat as he tossed back the shot. He had to clench his teeth to keep from immediately spitting it back up. His tongue, his throat, his stomach all protested this drink. Viti liquor was the strongest stuff in the known galaxy. A single shot was more than most grown males could handle. Some got sick off that alone.
