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“If I’d wanted a fucking weather forecast, I’d have called a meteorologist, just do what I asked,” I snapped, cutting off the call before he’d had the chance to argue back. Opening my office door, I headed down to the utility room at the back of the house. Pulling on some chaps, my boots, an extra sweater, and a long waterproof coat, I stepped out the back door and immediately felt the biting wind sting my face.
Entering the stable, I saw Stuart had saddled and tacked up my mare, and was in the process of placing the saddle on his large temperamental stallion, Electron.
“Where are you going?” I asked, tightening the girth one more notch and taking a hold of the reins to my horse.
“Depends where you’re going,” he muttered, and continued to secure the saddle rigging.
“Sorry, I don’t feel like company,” I replied, shaking my head as I turned Elbe around and headed for the door. Stuart ignored my comment and followed suit.
“Did you hear what I said?” I asked, my anger barely contained in my voice.
“Yeah, I did, and I don’t know what’s wrong, but I got the vibe that it’s big when you need to ride out in this weather. Forget going alone, Cole, it’s not happening. You’re a good rider, but the safety etiquette of any good rider is no one leaves home on a place this size alone in weather like this.”
I glared at him, frustration building inside, but I was too pissed to argue; because every moment I stayed close to the house made me think about what Harper had disclosed.
“Fuck, then don’t talk to me.” Turning away from him, I led Elbe out into the stable yard and mounted her, not waiting for Stuart to catch up. My horse led me down toward the meadow, like she knew what was on my mind even before I did. Following the curve in the river, she trudged through the two-foot snow and came to a halt by the empty boat mooring by the jetty.
“Boat’s in dry dock for the winter,” Stuart pointed out, riding alongside me as I stared over to where Grace was buried. Parts of the lake had ice forming.
“I know. I didn’t intend on being here. I suppose I’ve brought Elbe this way so often over the years she’s on autopilot,” I replied.
“Want to tell me what’s on your mind?” Stuart gently probed.
“Want to mind your own fucking business?” I muttered back.
“I figured the fact I’m freezing my balls off in sub-zero temperatures kind of hints at the fact I think you are my business,” he scolded.
Glaring with narrowed eyes, I sized him up for a few seconds then figured he was right. Although he was an estate manager, he was also the most loyal of friends. Most of all, he deserved to know why I was in such an angry place after I’d dragged him out in the cold.
“Harper’s pregnant,” I mumbled, and I felt my heart clench in desperation as I struggled internally with my fears.
“Congratulations,” Stuart mumbled cautiously, as both horses whinnied when a swift gust of wind spooked them both.
“From where I’m standing, it doesn’t feel like a celebration,” I snapped back.
For a few minutes Stuart sat quiet, then as I started to turn away, he shouted after me, “She’s not Grace, Cole.”
Glancing over my shoulder, I narrowed my eyes and thought that was easy for him to say, he had never been where I was. I tugged on the reins and changed direction. “You’re not helping, leave me alone.”
I rode through the silent winter scene until my hands were numb through the thick leather gloves, and when the late afternoon light began to fade, I headed back to the stables.
“Leave it, I’ll do the tack,” Stuart told me as I lifted the saddle from Elbe and placed it over the wooden rack where it was kept.
“Don’t shut her out. We all know what happened; we lived it too, remember? Harper’s a good woman. She’s raised Layla for the past six years, and no matter how much you want to keep her safe, you need to understand it from her point of view. Don’t begrudge her a child of her own. She loves Layla with all that she is, but you have what she has never had, a child that’s part of you.
“Do you think I don’t know this? To tell you the truth, I don’t want her to have this kid. I hate that she’s pregnant, and I’m scared shitless she’ll die a horrible death like Grace did. Now I know these are all irrational thoughts, and my mind feels heavy from the weight of them,” I explained, pointing to my head.
Slamming my palm hard against my chest, I eyed him angrily and shook my head. “But in here, I’m consumed by dread. Since the minute Harper told me today, my heart has stuttered uneasily, fighting for rhythm. No matter how many times I chant it’s not going to happen, there’s an echo from my past, which immediately counters with the nagging doubt, but what if it does?”
Stuart left the girth strap he had started to unbuckle and grabbed me into a hug. “You got to fight those thoughts every step of the way. We all know there’s no guarantees, but believe me, Cole, for the sake of your relationship with Harper and Layla, you have got to fight against the devil on this one.”
“Anyone who understands what I’ve been through would accept I want to protect what’s mine. I know I’m hypersensitive when it comes to childbirth because of what happened before, but the thought of anything going wrong again is so uncomfortable I don’t want to upset the status quo as we are right now.”
Taking a step back, he patted my back and dropped his hands. “No matter what you’re feeling in there,” he scolded, pointing sharply at my breastbone, “you’ve got to get back in that house and appear interested in the news you have learned for Harper’s sake. She’s been living with the ghost of Grace from the moment she walked through your door. Don’t make her sorry she can’t compete with what happened to her.” His tone was firm and almost admonishing, and I’d never heard this side to him before. Turning away without a backward glance, he began seeing to the horses like I was dismissed.
Pulling off my gloves, I smacked the ice off them against my thigh as I thought how protective he sounded, then turned and walked back to the house without replying. Stuart was right; it was sad that Harper didn’t get the response she should have, because as a newly expectant mother, it should have been one of the happiest days of her life.
When I entered the house, the heat stifled my breathing immediately and my face stung from the thaw of being out in the cold. Stuart’s words had resonated with me. I knew no matter how fearful I felt, I had to find a way to protect my feelings from overwhelming me and support Harper and Layla at the same time.
