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“Where’s Harper?” I asked Matty when I entered the kitchen. Layla was covered in flour from the dough they were kneading.
“She’s lying down, she has a headache,” Layla told me, as she picked up Matty’s huge rolling pin and clanked it down on the countertop.
“Careful,” Matty warned as she stretched over and moved it to a safer position. Leaving them, I headed up to my bedroom and pushed open the door.
“Are you okay?” I asked in a low voice as I crept toward the bed in the darkness. The hallway light shone from the doorway and was bright enough for me to see Harper was lying on her side, but she hadn’t heard me because she was sound asleep.
Still being cold from the ride, I left her to rest and went into our bathroom. I relieved myself, washed my hands in the hot water to thaw them out, and dried them. As I turned to go back into the bedroom, I caught sight of the pregnancy test Harper had used lying in the trash can by the sink. My stomach rippled with nerves.
An instant flashback of Grace bouncing on her toes with delight when she shared hers with me came to mind. I pushed back the thought and went back into the bedroom.
“Hey, are you okay?” I asked again when her red-rimmed eyes opened and stared at me.
“I’m fine,” she answered quickly, but her clipped tone barely held back her true feelings.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, as I sat on the edge of the bed and brushed her hair clear of her face. It was damp, and my heart squeezed tight at the thought I’d made her cry.
“Your news was so sudden, you know?” I argued, gently trying to explain my reaction.
“Our news, Cole. It’s our baby,” she muttered.
“I know. Please don’t be mad at me.”
Glancing up at me, her eyes shone with tears. “I’m not mad. I’m hurt and disappointed.”
“As you should be. I don’t expect you to understand—”
“No, Cole, you missed the point, I do. Everyone knows what you went through. If I had one wish, it would be for you never to have experienced that, but I need you to look at this from my perspective, because I’m on this journey with you now too.”
“I know,” I agreed, feeling like the worst man in the world for how I took the news.
“Understanding is a two-way street. I’m walking in a dead woman’s shoes unless you accept this is about us. My pregnancy, the child we’ve made together, has nothing to do with her or what happened before.”
I straightened my spine, instantly pulled up by her comment and I nodded in agreement. How I behaved affected everyone around me. Harper’s condition no longer allowed me the familiar indulgence of dwelling on the past.
Since I had gone all in with my girl, I had felt more emotionally stable. My heart and moods were infinitely lighter, and my sense of humor had returned. I was a different man to the one before Grace, but for knowing Harper I’d grown to be a more considerate version of my old self.
Reaching out, I grazed my thumb over her lips and bent to press mine to hers. “Baby, I agree. I was off, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come back, but I didn’t want to say anything to you that would diminish the significance of what is happening.”
Changing position, Harper shifted until she was sitting up, resting against the headboard of the bed. I took her hand in mine and slowly stroked my thumb over the back of it. I found it comforting to know she let me.
“Baby, when you told me, I was stunned. You being pregnant was the last thing I had expected you to say today. If I had gone with my gut and responded, I would have commented from a totally selfish perspective. That would have been wrong, and that’s why I went for a ride.”
“I’m listening,” she confirmed flatly.
“Where I’ve been, my situation doesn’t allow for spontaneity and being able to indulge in the beauty of something most people would see as a happy miracle. Though it is, so I don’t want you to think I don’t know this. But I had to sort through the shit going on in my head and to come back and address this without all the negative feelings associated with my experience from before.”
“All I wanted to hear was you welcome this baby.”
“And I will. What is going on inside has nothing to do with not wanting a child with you, Baby. What I went through has everything to do with the shock of what should have been a very normal experience, for most couples, becoming a membership to some very exclusive horror club. Grief isn’t something I can switch off, and the trauma associated with it will always live inside me.”
Cupping my face with her hands, Harper leaned forward and placed her forehead on mine. “I really want this baby, Cole. Layla will be ecstatic when she knows, but I understand you need time to come to terms with the change. Nothing is going to happen to me. We’re going to have a beautiful baby, a brother or sister for Layla, and the happy ever after we deserve. Nothing is going to get in the way of this,” Harper stated with conviction.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Finding out Harper was five weeks pregnant bought me some time before I had to deal with the obvious signs of our growing baby. I figured it would let me get used to the idea, and as Harper kept Layla’s routines tight, it was easy to forget she was expecting at busy times.
This worked for most of the time, but even with my best attempts, there were times when dark thoughts would creep in, and I felt panic rise from my gut. It helped that Harper knew me so well, because she recognized the times when I wasn’t receptive to what she wanted to tell me.
