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“It’s not!” I stumbled when he finally put me back on my feet but he caught me. I pulled him into my room and shut the door behind him. “It’s not still a thing. He hasn’t talked like that since right after the divorce! I am not okay. I mean, that… I’m going to hell. Right? I just did that with Vaughn and then Paul touched my freaking panties! And he’s calling us siblings! Can you just push me out of the window and put me out of my misery?”
Fisher covered his mouth to try to hide a laugh but I still saw it. He held up his hands when my face shifted from panic to anger. “I’m sorry. It’s just… It’s hard not to find it a little funny.”
“Get out.” I marched to my door and threw it open. “Or I’m going to tell Dad that you’re touching my maidenhood.”
He tried to hug me but I put my hand up and motioned for him to go away. “Aw, come on. I’m sorry. Don’t be mad, Ella Rae.”
I glared at him. “You suck.”
“Can I come back when he leaves?”
“I’m locking my door and I don’t want to see any of you. Maybe ever again.” I closed the door in his face and locked it. “I’m dropping out of college and joining a traveling circus!”
I could hear him laughing on the other side of my door and growled before stomping across my room and throwing myself into bed. I grabbed Connie and hugged him tight. Things were not okay. I couldn’t get the ick out of my head. Vaughn was not my sibling. We’d only been step-siblings for three years a decade earlier. That didn’t count. It couldn’t.
I suddenly felt disgusted at myself. I’d thrown myself at Vaughn at the party and anyone could’ve caught us. Did everyone think of us as siblings still? Would people think it was taboo? I couldn’t go around telling everyone that I didn’t think of Vaughn as a step-brother if they found out. What would Paul think if he knew? What would Mom think? Had I managed to do something that she wouldn’t be okay with?
Panic sent me rushing into my bathroom to brush my teeth and take a long, hot shower. It was a confusing thing. I was so horrified by Paul acting like we were all still a big family that I scrubbed at my body until I was bright red. When I tried to clean between my thighs, though, my body still reacted to the idea of Vaughn inside it.
I was spiraling and I wasn’t sure how to stop. I wished I could laugh it off like Fisher. I wondered how Vaughn was taking it. I couldn’t help wondering if Booth thought I was a freak. When I tucked my raw body into bed, all I could do was lay there and stare at my ceiling. I needed to talk to someone who would reassure me that I wasn’t a complete monster but I couldn’t tell anyone what I’d been doing. I only had myself to talk to about it and I sucked at making myself feel better.
I felt like hours had passed when I heard the front door alarm chime. I laid in bed, waiting for them to come to my room, waiting for a knock on my door. When none came, I convinced myself it was because they’d all decided that I was some sort of pervert they didn’t want anything more to do with.
That was the thought that kept me up most of the night. That they wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore. They’d become my best friends without even trying. I felt connected to them and if they cut me off, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to handle it. Even though I’d been in a cycle of avoiding them or sneaking around to sleep with them the entire time I’d lived in their house, I’d gotten comfortable with knowing they’d be there.
I was still awake when the sun came up. My eyes felt awful, like there was sandpaper behind my eyelids, and my stomach hurt from how much I’d been stressing. I wanted to go downstairs and get a cold bottle of water, or some ice cream, but I was too afraid of running into anyone.
It was that fear of running into someone that finally got me up and rushing around to get out of the house before anyone else was awake. I was a giant chicken but I’d worked myself into a true panic. I snuck out of the house like I’d robbed the place and took off at a jog once I was outside. I didn’t stop until I was downstairs in the cafeteria, tucked away in the corner of the big open space.
I hadn’t brought any of the books I’d need to study so I just sat there and tried to busy myself with my phone for hours. When the rest of the campus started coming to life and the cafeteria filled up, I sank lower in my little corner and did my best to look like I wasn’t melting down inside. Judging by some of the looks I got, I was pretty sure I was failing.
43
***Ella***
“Ella?”
I jerked awake and looked up to see Billy standing over me. Before I could tell him to go away, he’d already pulled a chair up close and was sitting down.
“Are you okay?” He looked me over and frowned. “Did you sleep here last night?”
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Looking around, I saw that The Swamp was packed. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been asleep but I could see a couple of people nearby shooting judgmental glances my way. I wiped my mouth to make sure I hadn’t been drooling and finally turned back to Billy. “What’d you say?”
He scooted even closer and rested his hand on my knee. “Are you okay?”
I cleared my throat and nodded while moving back in my chair so his hand fell away. “Yeah, I’m okay. I must’ve nodded off.”
“Long night?” He shot me an almost embarrassed look. “I saw you at the party with Fisher last night. You looked great, Ella.”
My face burned at the mention of that party. “Um, thanks. Do you need something, Billy?”
He dropped his head and blew out a long breath. “I deserve that. I know you don’t owe me anything, Ella, but can I talk to you? I just need five minutes.”
“Billy…”
“Five minutes, Ella. Please.”
I looked around the room and considered my options. If I left, I’d need to go home and that could mean facing the guys. I couldn’t very well stay without talking to Billy unless I planned on being the world’s largest dick. I chose to be a chicken again. “Five minutes.”
