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“It didn’t seem that big, I don’t think,” I said. “Honestly no bigger than, like, a long worm or something. But not slimy like a worm. Warm and dry and all twitchy.”
I shivered with revulsion. Fallon made a thoughtful sound.
“Perhaps a baby ardu. Though it isn’t hatching season…”
“Wait, Fallon,” I gasped, the blood draining from my face so fast it was a miracle I didn’t faint. “Is it on you?!”
It was hard to tell exactly what was happening in the dim dawn light. But there was a distinctly snake- or worm-like thing flickering around in the region of Fallon’s groin.
Oh. Oh no. When I’d jumped out of the bed, it had somehow latched onto Fallon’s hard cock.
My husband was about to die, and I was going to be a widow, because of a snakebite to the dick.
Absolutely not.
Before I could let myself feel any fear or talk myself out of it, I reached down, grabbed the snake, and yanked as hard as I could.
But I must have been too late. Fallon made a tight, pained sound. Like he’d just been bitten.
His hand clamped down on my wrist. He was breathing very hard, very fast. Without speaking, he pried my fingers off of the snake, gingerly put me down upon the bed…
And promptly collapsed to the floor.
“FALLON!”
I jumped down off the bed, falling to my knees beside him as he curled into the fetal position with his hands between his legs. Every muscle in his body bulged and strained.
“What can I do? Is there an antivenom? I’ll get Magnolia. I’ll call the warden. I’ll do anything. I-”
“No treatment required,” Fallon croaked. His voice sounded like someone had stomped on his windpipe. “Human grip… stronger… than I’d thought.”
“Did I pull it off you, at least?” I prodded anxiously, trying to get a look at what was happening with his dick. Was the snake still there with its fangs latched onto him? A sudden rush of possessive rage went through me. If anyone was going to bite my husband’s dick, it was going to be me!
“I hope not!” Fallon sputtered. Briefly, he moved his hands away from their protective cup around his cock so he could take a peek. He sighed as if with relief. “Still there.”
“Still there? We have to get it off! Fallon, you said it was venomous!”
Through his haze of pain, Fallon pinned me with a confused look.
“My cock tail isn’t venomous!”
His cock…
His cock what?
Shiiiiiiiit.
“Please tell me,” I said, speaking very slowly and trying to keep the shaking out of my voice, “that I did not just mistake a part of your anatomy for a venomous serpent and try to rip it off.”
“I believe,” Fallon panted, “that is exactly what just happened.” Even in his pain, the big dope managed to give me a sweet smile. “Thank you for trying to save me, anyway.” His smile faded and he winced. “But please never do that again. Especially if it’s a real ardu serpent! Empire, I don’t know what I’d do if you’d gotten bitten.”
“Well… now you know how I feel! I thought you were about to die from a fatal case of poison-dick!” I snapped, jumping up and pacing around the room as if some remedy for almost tearing part of your husband’s genitals off was about to magically appear before me. “Do you have any ice?”
“Ice?” Fallon exhaled. “Why would I have ice?”
“I don’t know! For moments like this! To put ice on your injury!”
“You want me to put ice there?”
