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The desire to make things better.
And it was all so pointless.
“We fucked,” he whispered, barely able to get the words out.
The silence between them filled the entire courtyard.
There was so much to tell her. So much she deserved to know. But right now, he couldn’t bring himself to even think it. He had no temper for tears. No space for sorrow.
“I got the deal. Mestibes is saved.”
He stepped into his building and clicked the door closed. Each step up the stairs drained him beyond empty.
He hit the bed like a plummeting stone, wanting nothing but to lay there, unmoving, until eternity collapsed around him.
76
AURELIUS
It took six days for the response to come—six long days of emptiness.
He didn’t leave his bed in all that time, feeling no desire to eat, drinking from a half-filled water jug by his bed only when the scratch in his throat became too prominent to sleep through.
On the fourth day, that too ran dry, the rough clay as drained and empty as he. He didn’t despair when that happened, nor from the undercurrents of hunger that crept in with each passing hour. If anything, they were welcome visitors. Some sign amongst the pervasive numb that he was still alive.
Those survival pangs seemed to be the only thing he could feel anymore. Neither the warmth of the sun nor the cooler turn of the night seemed to touch him.
Late one evening a storm passed by, with errant droplets drifting in through the window. He’d felt those slow drips down his face only as registration of reality—without any true sensation.
It was just like the memories that haunted him through the days and nights. Odd, factual little mockeries, stirring nothing inside him beyond the dull truth of what he had lost.
There came the disgusted face of Securia at the news of his deal. The disbelief from Teigra at his admission. And above all, the face of Calix—with his look of abject hatred.
Of all the memories, that one came closest to stirring some faraway ghost of sadness. His expression had been so raw. So devastated. The utter betrayal, deep to his very soul. Deeper than any armor could protect.
And in a moment of crystal clarity, Aurelius knew that he’d succeeded in his mission.
Calix had truly loved him.
And I betrayed that. I knew Calix was doing everything he could to keep his beast at bay. And I couldn’t help myself. I wanted him to feed from me. Because I wanted to possess some gift, some trinket, that no one else has of him.
On the fifth day, a tear finally fell—a warm scratch along a dead cheek.
Well, you got your trinket, Aurie. All Mestibes is probably singing your name. And all it took was ruining the one person who actually fucking cared about you. The one person who actually fucking saw you for who you really are.
He awoke on the morning of the sixth day to the sound of the messenger centaur arriving. His sensations had largely returned by then. That hollow feeling had narrowed, replaced once again by emotions he didn’t want. Sorrow and despair. Loss and loneliness. They came back like pins and needles to his heart, until he yearned for the brutal blank of nothingness to return.
Once the messenger had departed, he dragged himself up and staggered into the main house, steering by the kitchen to consume half a jug of water and stuff his mouth with bread.
It wasn’t just that the thirst and hunger had become unbearable, he also wanted to give the high envoy time to process the letter.
Around the kitchen were overstocked piles of ingredients, as though there was someone else in the house who had barely eaten for the last few days.
When he found Ms. Securia at her desk she was shaking, the formal letter in her clenched hands, with another scroll unopened by her elbow.
She didn’t look up at his arrival, and he didn’t draw attention to himself. He didn’t need to force the news from her. He’d known what the senate’s response would be before she had written.
Despite all that she had put him through, he still felt sorry for her. She was a good person, underneath it all. Oh, she wasn’t nice. But from all he’d seen, she was good. And like so many good people, she put her faith in morals and institutions—in gods and ideals. She believed that loyalty and righteousness would win in the end.
