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ONE
Ben Cocker
“Didn’t hear your truck pull up, Ben.”
The wood floor creaks under my boots until I drop into a sun-warmed seat, “Walked here,” green eyes landing on the retreat house that has hosted countless travelers. Taking note of the beauty of its sunny outline, I mutter, distracted by what I came for, “Mom at Sunflower?”
I’m hoping she’s at the retreat house. I’d rather it just be him for this.
I can feel him watching me, and that his deep voice is pensive tells me he knows something is wrong. “She and Silvia are prepping for a new group that arrives this afternoon.” I hear him sip his coffee, taking his time like he’s giving me some. “Marcus has been harder to reach. Didn’t show up to bring the last group back to the airport. Your mom and I had to use my truck and her car to get everyone to the airport in time to catch their planes. At least we had enough room to get all the luggage there easily, but people were practically on each other’s laps.”
I glance over. “He’s never done anything like that. What’d he say when you got ahold of him?”
“He’d forgotten what day it was.”
“When’s a new group coming?”
“This afternoon.”
I blink. “Is he picking them up?”
“Promised he would.”
“That a gamble you wanna take?”
Dad brings his coffee cup to his lips, doesn’t drink and lowers the cup. “He’s given us seven years of service. Faultless. If that doesn’t deserve a second chance, I’m not sure what does.”
A second chance.
I need one of those.
I nod, “He’ll be there,” though I don’t believe it.
And that’s part of my problem.
Lately that thing called ‘trust’ hasn’t been my friend.
“I came here to talk to you about something.”
Our eyes lock on his frown. “I’m here.”
Numb, exhausted, haggard, but not surprised, I hunch over and blink at the walnut dining table stained with so many memories I wish I could disappear into. I long to go back in time. Maybe make a different choice. But Jonny wouldn’t be here if I had.
“Dad…I’m…” Can’t even recognize my own voice. “Miserable.” Dragging both hands down my face just to feel something, I drop them and blink at the wood, rasping, “Have been for a very long time.”
There’s patience in his answer. A knowing. “I’ve been waiting for this.”
I blink to him, shocked to discover relief has smoothed out wrinkles the Sun carved. I’m so messed up in my head all I can think of is, How can he be relieved to hear I’m miserable?
Dad stands, kicks his jeans into a comfortable place, and jogs his chin toward the acres of sunlit long grass with a path carved to Sunflower House. “Walk with me, Ben.” He heads for the stairs.
Depression is a powerful thing and at first, I don’t want to go. Returning home is on my mind. Keep things how they’ve been for years. Don’t change. Don’t look at, don’t accept, how bad it’s gotten for me. Just keep staying in a marriage that suffocates everything about me.
He stands at the ready, watching me. My body rises of its own accord and I walk over and follow him down the three steps of my childhood, onto land that feels more like home than my own.
The shiny black manes of Dad and Mom’s horses they got two years ago, shake as our approach inspires curiosity. “Looks like they’re getting used to you.” I offer through gritted teeth.
“Yup, have for some time now. But we haven’t seen you in a while.”
