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I shook my head. “No, you’re not.” I sat up and wiped my eyes with my palms. Then I took a deep breath. “I need some time to think, and I can’t do it when I’m with you because this happens,” I said, indicating the bed. “I’m not strong enough to stay away from you. Besides, I’m not sure we want the same thing anymore.”
Patrick let go of me and rolled away. He went into the bathroom, and the water in the sink turned on. I sat there as tears fell silently down the sides of my face.
He came back with a warm washcloth for me, just like always, and sat on the edge of the bed next to me.
“Why?” He cleared the emotion from his throat. “Why did you move out? Your studio is there, and it’s big enough for ten people.”
“The bigger we get, the more the media will start to dig. Your teammate already says shit about us, and I can’t do that to you. You obviously aren’t ready to tell the world who you are, or who I thought you were. And that’s okay, Patrick. But the longer we stay in your house together, the more speculation is going to grow.”
He looked at me with red eyes. “That’s our house. I bought that for us.”
I put my arm over his shoulder and brought his head to mine. “I know, babe. And I love it. But it’s best we aren’t together right now. We both need to do some soul searching.”
Patrick turned to me, tears rolling silently down his face. His sadness mirrored mine as he went to his knees in front of me. He wrapped his arms around my waist. I could feel his tears on my skin.
“Please, baby. Please don’t do this to us. I don’t know how to live without you. I’ll come out. I’ll do anything you want, just don’t leave me.”
He cried, and I ran my fingers through his hair. The sobs coming from him split me wide open, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover.
After a moment, I slipped to the floor with him. I took his handsome face in my hands and kissed his tear-soaked lips.
“You can’t do it for me. You gotta do it for you, babe. You know that.”
He didn’t say anything, but gave me a little nod.
“I want to love you in the open like Cooper does with Greg, and Christian with Alex. I want to kiss you on the field when you win, like everyone else. It hurts me so badly when you don’t get the love and attention you deserve.”
Patrick remained quiet as he looked into my eyes. This was nothing new. We’d been over this repeatedly for the last two years.
“Are we breaking up?” he asked, his voice cracking.
“That’s not what I want, but I don’t know. Maybe.”
My heart felt like it was being crushed in a vice just hearing those words. This hurt so fucking much. But I had to find a way to be strong for both of us.
“Come on. Let me hold you,” I said, rising from the floor.
Patrick nodded, and I went to clean up. When I came back, he was in bed, waiting for me. I crawled in and met him in the middle.
Exhaustion set in, and he eventually drifted off.
I didn’t sleep, but held onto him as long as I could. Before dawn, I slipped out of bed and got dressed. I knew I couldn’t do a goodbye with him like this. I had to go before he woke up.
With one last look at the man I’d loved my entire life, I held my breath and quietly slipped out the door.
I’d fall apart when I got to my room.
CHAPTER 2
PATRICK
The state-of-the-art workout area in the Pirates training facility no longer held any appeal to me. The clanging of the weights machines did not even register in my mind anymore. I didn’t care about anything at all.
Pain has a way of changing a person. My whole body ached, but my chest hurt the most. I kept cycling between sadness and anger, and it was exhausting.
It had been almost a month since Cole left, and most days it took all my strength just to get out of bed. I knew I was depressed, and few things seemed to bring me any joy.
Eating was a struggle, and getting enough protein meant forcing down a shake most of the time. Some days I couldn’t even manage that.
