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I was ready to go home and grieve for us, but since I’d moved out before our tour, I didn’t really have one. That was going to make dealing with all the pain that much more difficult. I guess I was going to live with Adam. Phantom was moving in too, and I didn’t want to be in the way. Now I understood why Adam never wanted to stay with us for any extended periods of time.
I smiled and waved to the crowd, trying to stay in the moment as we exited the stage. But every time we walked off, I was reminded of how Patrick used to stand right offstage waiting for me. His big smile and warm embrace made me feel loved and secure. But he wasn’t here anymore, and I was still disappointed every fucking time. My heart broke a little more every night I left the stage without him.
The ache inside me since our break-up in Phoenix was still an open wound. He’d made it pretty clear he didn’t want me anymore. He’d gone radio silent, but I hadn’t texted him either. Now it was time to face the music when we returned to Portland. My parents were going to be devastated. They loved him as much as me and Adam.
But I couldn’t live in the closet anymore. The world knew I was bisexual and Adam was gay. It didn’t matter to anyone but Patrick. It was too much pressure having to watch every word that came out of my mouth because I was afraid I’d say something to out him.
“Holy shit, I’m tired,” Adam said when we finally left the stage.
I smiled and slung my arm over his shoulders. “We’re not as young as we once were.”
“Thirty-two is not old, Cole. We just finished a twelve-week ass kicking.”
He was right. I was tired because I wasn’t sleeping like I should have been. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Patrick’s face.
“I know,” I said as Michael approached with four bottles of Gatorade. “We still have work to be done tonight.”
“I know. But after that, dinner and a party. We have to celebrate.”
“Are you stirrin’ up trouble over here, Rockstar?” Michael’s affection for Adam was just gross to watch, even though I was happy for them. Adam deserved it.
“Yes,” I said as he replied with, “No.”
Michael chuckled at our simultaneous replies. After passing the blue one to me and purple to Adam, he looked at his watch. As director of tour security, he also helped Scott, our tour director, keep us on schedule. Especially Adam.
“Well, you both need to shower, then head over to the Fan Meet. You’ve got about twenty-five minutes to make that happen.”
I twisted the lid off the bottle, then took a healthy drink. My throat was always a little sore after a performance.
“Okay,” I said, heading for the dressing room. I was lost in my head when I heard his voice.
“Cole.”
I stopped, but didn’t turn around. My heart ached and immediately picked up at the low, sultry timbre of his familiar voice. I tried to rub the growing ache where the pain was the worst.
“Cole,” Patrick said again. “Can we talk?”
I closed my eyes for the briefest of moments, then nodded before turning to meet his brown eyes.
Patrick stood before me in my favorite dark jeans of his, and a deep purple cashmere sweater stretched across his broad shoulders. He looked to have gained back some of the weight since I’d seen him in Phoenix eight weeks ago. Even though I knew better, my eyes took in every inch of him and the single red rose he held in his right hand.
He smiled and held out the flower to me as his face showed me every emotion he was feeling. I took it and brought the velvety pedals to my nose. I’d missed him so much. Losing him was like losing my best friend and the love of my life. Two gaping holes left behind for me to deal with.
“Thanks. It’s beautiful.” The crack in my voice was unmistakable.
“Doesn’t hold a candle to you. But it was the closest thing I could find.”
I tried to smile at his sentiment and looked up at him. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to apologize for how I handled things in Phoenix. I never should have walked out on you, and I’m so sorry. It’s no excuse, but it had been a terrible month without you. I’ve been counting the days until the tour ended and I could come to you.”
He reached out to touch my face with his fingertips, skimming them over my cheek before they slipped away.
“I appreciate the apology, and I’m sorry, too. But I can’t…”
“I love you, Cole. I’ve never stopped. Please forgive me.”
I tried to hold back the growing avalanche of emotions threatening to take me to the floor. I looked back down at the rose to break the visceral connection we had. I wanted to reach out to him, but I couldn’t right now. It would destroy me and who knew how long we’d be alone in this hallway.
