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“Then what is it?”
“I’m not afraid of being together. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid that one day you’ll walk out the door and never come back. That we’ll break up and I’ll never, ever see you again. Hear you again. How can I … how can I bear that? How can my heart survive that?” she says, her voice trembling. “As long as you’re my friend and nothing more, you’re here. As long as we’re friends, we are together.”
The power of reality hits me like a thousand bricks dropped on top of me from a great height. She’s choosing friendship over love because friendship has no end. Friendship is safe. Friendship is loyal and secure.
“Would you ever even consider a relationship between us?” I ask her in a final attempt for some clarity.
No answer.
“The marriage pact will expire when you turn thirty. What happens after that? Will we make a new one or … will that be the end?” I ask again.
Her eyes are slowly filling with tears, so I decide not to push anymore.
I know she doesn’t want to answer, and I don’t want to hurt her.
There are so many more things I’d like to know but what would be the point? It’s enough.
I signal the waiter to bring me the check.
Emmy watches me in silence. She’s incapable or unwilling to talk anymore.
Perhaps both.
One final question comes to my mind. “If we had met now—as strangers—would you have dated me? Would you have married me?”
Chapter Sixteen
Emmy
“Yes.”
“Yes to what? This one? Or that one?” Larisa asks me, but I’m not able to focus.
“Umm … the … one with the … yeah,” I reply vaguely and wave a hand in the direction of the dresses on the racks.
“Em, come on, please focus. At least a little bit. I know you have much bigger things going on in your life right now, and that the last few months haven’t been easy between breaking your arm and quitting your job. But can you do this for me for just a few minutes, please?” she begs.
A feeling of guilt and shame takes over me, and I try to concentrate on the task at hand. “I’m so sorry, Larisa. You’re totally right. And, please, don’t get me wrong. Your wedding is one of the most important things in my life. I hope you know that!”
She smiles warmly at me. “So, which bridesmaid dress do you want to wear? Because the stylist has been grilling me about it for the last three weeks.”
“Is it true that she did the costumes for that Kate Winslet movie?” Jo comes out of the changing room.
“Oh, yes. It’s true alright!” Larisa smiles. “Emmy, did you know that … Emmy? What are you doing over there?”
“Huh? What? Nothing, I was just … looking at these … umm … dresses,” I lie.
“Those are teddies. You’re supposed to wear them on the wedding night. Are you even paying attention to what you’re looking at or … oh, my gosh! Emmy Williams, is there a new man in your life? Is that why you’re looking at those?” she asks me.
I move away from the display of fine, silky lingerie and head in the direction of the candy bar. The brightly colored macarons smell of decadent almonds and sugary milk. I grab a pink one and take a bite.
The taste does not disappoint.
“Wow, this stylist surely knows how to spoil us, Larisa. Look at this candy bar! And the prosecco … not to mention this selection of dresses that she has on display just for our appointment,” I tell the girls, still chewing the buttery dessert.
They look at each other and then back to me.
Jo takes me by the hand and pulls me toward the white couch in the middle of the room. “Why are you changing the subject, Em? Come on, tell us what’s wrong. You’ve been acting aloof all afternoon. What is it?”
