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“Evan, I agreed that we need to talk about all this. However, I didn’t mean that we should … Listen, this is … oh, this is so messy,” she says.
“Messy?”
“Yes. Evan, I think what happened between us today was not a good idea.”
“What do you mean? Our kiss wasn’t a good idea?” I ask her.
“Yes.”
“Can I ask why? Will you explain?”
“I’ll try,” she says. “Evan, a lot of things have happened between us lately. I think they were sparked by the fact that I broke my arm, which led to us spending even more time together. But it’s also partly because my friends are moving on with their lives—Jo’s married and Larisa’s about to be … and our friendships are just not what they used to be. Which is fine, but … lately I’ve just … been feeling alone and left out, I suppose.”
“I can understand that.”
“Thank you. Evan, I think that our friendship has changed because of these things. We’ve gotten a lot closer—but not as friends—as … something else. I’ve been thinking a lot about our marriage pact, and whether or not I should honor it.”
“And?” I ask her.
“Well, today, when I came in to have my cast removed, I initiated the kiss because … because I wanted it to happen. I’m not going to lie about that. I thought I wanted to go through with it. But then, everything became so awkward and weird after that kiss. Even tonight, in the car, we couldn’t find a single thing to talk about, Evan. Us! After seventeen years of friendship!” she says.
The waiter approaches the table with a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket and two tall glasses. He pops open the bottle and pours a glass for each of us, after which he disappears, leaving behind two menus. Neither of us touches our glasses. It’s as if we both know that there’s nothing to celebrate anymore.
“Evan, this is exactly what I’ve been talking about all along—what I’ve been so worried about. This is what a relationship would look like between us. And what’s worse is this is what it’d be like if we dated and broke up! Just awkward silence and weird behavior. I don’t want that! I just want us to be the way we used to be. Best friends!”
“Best friends? I just confessed my love for you, Emmy. What am I supposed to do about that? Just magic my feelings away?” I smile sadly.
“Evan, I understand what you’re telling me. But think about it this way, will you feel the same way about me after we date for a few months and then break up?”
“Why are you so certain that we would break up, Emmy? I just don’t get it.”
“Because…” her voice trails off.
She doesn’t answer.
The low light of the restaurant filters through the light amber of the champagne glass in front of me.
How different I thought this evening would be…
“Emmy, have you ever … wanted me? More than just a friend. Have you ever desired me?”
Her eyes dart to the side, and this becomes just one more question that she avoids answering.
“Have you ever loved me?” I whisper. The din of the restaurant crowd almost swallows my question, but I know that she can hear it.
“I do love you, Evan.”
“How do you love me?”
“My heart loves you like it’s never loved anyone else,” she says.
“That doesn’t answer my question…”
“Your question … is a difficult one,” she replies.
“No, it’s not. It’s just scary. I know you, Emmy. And I know that you’re scared. But we can do this together. Remember? What’s mine is yours. Together. Always. How can together be scary?”
“It’s not. Evan, that’s not what I’m afraid of.”
