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And then there was Kent. His approach to our table wasn't so much a casual drop-by as it was a grand declaration of "I'm here, and I'm staking my claim." He draped an arm around Harper with the subtlety of a neon billboard. The silent battle lines drawn by the onlookers' glares could have made for a great mini-series, "The Cafeteria Chronicles: The Stare-Down."
Then Kent and Harper started to speak, and when I say 'speak,' I mean in their own embarrassingly sexualized language. Putting those two together is like unofficially kicking off nuclear fission in the break room; the energy they generate could practically light up a small city. And the closer they get, the more I start to wonder if we should be reaching for lead aprons or just marshmallows to roast in the glow of their escalating drama.
Throwing sprinkles on this drama sundae, Levi, my receptionist, unwittingly crashed the party. The poor kid was blissfully unaware of the comedic storm he was sailing into. Kent and Harper's humor was limitless, and to them, Levi was the ultimate newbie.
I did feel a twinge of guilt for not asking Levi how his dating life had been going, but in my defense, I had a solid excuse. Imagine saying,‘Hey, a crazy Russian hired a hitman to try and take out our boss, yeah, the boss I’m dating, and, oh, did I forget to mention my ex, who is a psycho, had cameras littered throughout my apartment. Yeah, so how was your weekend, Levi?'
"Talia's birthday is coming up," Levi starts, his face lighting up at the mention of his girlfriend. They're official now, a fact that still seems to bring a smile to his face every time he says it out loud. "But it's also exam week, so we agreed to stay in and cook, then celebrate afterward," he continues, only to be cut off by Kent's whistle at the mention of 'celebrate.'
Levi chuckles, not missing a beat, "But I want to make her something special. I want the food to knock her socks off."
"You mean her panties off," Kent says with a goofy grin.
I can’t help but giggle when Levi turns pale with worry as his eyes look around the workplace. "We're at lunch, talking man to man, and it seems like you need to up your game," Kent assures him with a mix of humor and brotherly advice.
"You're my boss's brother," Levi whispers.
"Semantics." Kent rolls his eyes.
"You can totally cook on a high-end meal budget," Harper reassured Levi. "Just don't try anything from a box.” She smirks and glances at me.
"I'm still cleaning up flour from you and Kent's debut as chefs." I roll my eyes.
"But you love us," Harper flutters her eyelashes, then she looks towards Levi. "One time, Poppy and I were dying for that blooming onion from that steak house, but the one near us had closed. So, we tried to make it back to the dorms. You can make anything, Levi; you just need to be innovative enough," Harper says like she's a car salesman.
"Umm," I jerk my head towards her. "'We made it' is an interesting way to describe the outcome.”
I look back at Levi. The kid has just learned to boil water and make pasta a few months ago. Let's give him stars he can reach for, not a task that's going to kill him. "Innovation and insanity are not the same, Levi," I correct, telling him the actual story. "Harper had a tea kettle that she filled with oil; almond oil because that's all we had in the dorm. Almond oil she used on her skin as a lotion."
"Hey, it's edible," Harper holds up her index finger.
"Should we try it? I know I’d lick it off of you, Siren," Kent mutters, leaning closer to her. Oh lord, here come the sexual comments.
I speak louder to drown out their remarks. "Harper thought she could get the tea kettle to boil and deep fry the onion in it."
Poor Levi is struck with confusion, as many are when they have to try and understand why Harper does the crazy things she does.
"Boil an onion in a kettle?" Kent bursts into laughter, tipping his head back as if the concept is the funniest thing he's heard all day. "You do realize I went to boarding school in England, right? Over there, mistreating a kettle in such a manner is practically sacrilege. It's like...it's like putting tea in the microwave. You just don't do it!" His mock horror only adds to the hilarity, and I start giggling, too.
"I think that earns you a proper spanking," Kent grins.
Harper flips her hair back. "Try and spank my ass and see what happens."
Joy blooms over Kent's face. "Challenge accepted, Siren."
"Ladies and gents, take a look; this may or may not be the last time you see Kent with his balls intact," Harper quips, then playfully smacks his shoulder.
"And I'll have you know Einstein had many ideas that failed." Harper then looks at Levi. "The point is to try, Levi."
“Did it turn out?” Levi asks.
“No!” I chuckle,“We kept waiting for it to boil, then we dropped in the onion out of sheer hunger, miscalculating for their rise of oil when we shoved the onion inside. Oil spilled out from the kettle’s spout directly into the open flames. Mind you, we were not allowed to have a burner in the dorm rooms. Microwaves only. We almost started another fire."
"Another?" Levi gulps.
Harper waves her hand, "What's life without thrills."
"Or third-degree burns." I tease.
