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“You deserve so much better than what he can give you. I don’t understand how you can’t see that.” I have to look away from the concern brimming his eyes.
“We’re not serious.” But that doesn’t feel true anymore. The longer we go through with this, the more time we spend together, the easier it is to pretend we could actually be something real. Even when I should know better.
“Come on, Marcela.” His hand falls on my shoulder. “You know he’s just going to end up hurting you if you keep this up.”
It makes sense why he believes what he’s saying. He knew what I knew about his brother all along. Of all the red flags real and imagined in the men I’ve dated previously, Theo’s is probably the worst offense. But so is mine, and he doesn’t even know about my feelings for Ben. I knew what I was walking into when we started this. He didn’t.
Ben has a point, though. What Theo and I have won’t end well, for either of us.
But I’m also not giving in so easily this time.
“Look, Ben.” Our eyes meet. “I get that you have your own stuff with Theo. I even understand that you think you’re coming from a protective place, but you need to respect my choices, even if you think they’re the wrong ones. You don’t get to tell me who to date. So, you either have to be cool with my relationship, or…”
“Or what?” There’s something dangerous lacing his tone. I don’t answer, because I’m not sure I’m ready to lay such a huge ultimatum on him. He belongs to Alice. I don’t have a right to put this on him. Or we stop being friends.
But at this point, would that be so terrible? What good are we to each other when I can hardly stand to be around him without pushing a host of feelings down deep?
“Or what, Marcela?” His eyes narrow on me.
My mouth opens, but I can’t say the words. Not yet. Not when I’ve only just realized what I should have done a long time ago. If I have half a chance of moving on from him for good, I can’t keep spending all my spare moments with him. Thinking about him. Wishing our lives had turned out differently. I won’t allow myself to waste any more time appeasing him or following my own damned feelings for him.
When my father left, the greatest lesson to come out of it was to love the person who stays. Even though I was crushed when Ben broke up with me all those years ago, he still stayed. He said I was too important to leave behind, and in nine years, he became one of the most important fixtures in my life. He wanted to stay, and I didn’t want him to leave. Even if we couldn’t be together the way I wanted us to be.
But what good has his staying done for me, if for nearly a decade, I’ve been stuck in the same place he left me, waiting for him to change his mind? I should never have held on to the secret hope that when he said no guy is good enough for you, he really meant I’ve finally realized I’m the only one for you.
Like that was ever gonna happen.
“Maybe we need some space from each other,” I finally work up the nerve to say.
The anger fades from his expression. His brows smooth out and then raise into his hairline, eyes wide as saucers. His mouth falls open in shock. He blinks once. Twice.
“My relationship with Theo is clearly a problem for you,” I say. “I understand you think you’re only looking out for me, I do, but it’s like you don’t trust that I know what’s best for me. I know the risks. I walked into this… relationship willingly.” I slip over the word relationship. “So, until you can find it in yourself to be supportive, I think we need to take a break from each other.”
He’s silent for a long time, eyes shifting away from me. I’m a second away from asking him to leave when he says, “You’re really choosing him over me?” His voice is so small, tentative in a way I haven’t heard it in years.
“No,” I say, already hating how easily I’m giving in. “Ben, I just—”
“Need space.” His voice goes hard all of a sudden, a wall closing over his features. “Yeah, I got it.”
I take a breath and hold it. “Please try to understand where I’m coming from. I’m just trying to have a normal relationship with—”
“You’re deluded if you think what you have with my brother is a relationship.” His response knocks the wind out of me. He’s closer to the truth than he realizes. But his tone calls up the anger building in my gut, and it takes everything I have to hold on to it. I won’t be able to get through this if I don’t.
“Okay, if you’re gonna be like this we might as well call it now.” Something in my voice makes him look up. I cross the room to the front door, whipping it open so hard it bangs against the wall with a loud crash. I cross my arms over my chest, eyes pinned on Ben. His eyes widen again in that deer-in-the-headlights way.
“Go on,” I say, not buying his expression for a second. “You don’t want to support me? The person you’ve called a friend for nearly ten years? Get out.”
“Of course I support you.” His voice is softer as he crosses the
living room to me. He reaches for my hands, but I step away from him. “You’re right. Of course, you’re absolutely right. I haven’t been supporting you the way I should be, but it’s only because I don’t want to see you get hurt. Not when he’s just using you.”
Angela said something similar just a few days ago. “I know what we are, Ben. You don’t.” But I still have the strangest feeling I don’t know everything. There’s still something missing.
“Maybe you do. Or at least, maybe you know more than I think,” he says. “But what scares me is that he’s only using you to get back at me.”
“Get back at you for what?”
It can’t just be Alice.
