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Physical stuff aside, it really does feel like we’ve become fast friends since the engagement party. I’m surprised at how much I’ve grown to care for his well-being since Saturday. I don’t want to lose our friendship when it’s only just begun. I ignore the intrusive thought at the back of my mind, that’s not the only thing you don’t want to lose, and step forward.
“Ben thinks I’m expecting something more from you. He doesn’t know what this is. That’s why he’s going through all this trouble.”
Theo squints in thought. He nods suddenly, as if realizing what I’m saying makes sense. Perhaps it is the truth, and not the jealousy I selfishly want it to be. But I’m also not ready for Ben to know the truth, or at least, a glimmer of the truth of my relationship with Theo.
“Let’s figure out what this is first,” I say, thinking on my feet. “And then we can decide what to tell people about us. Okay?”
“That sounds good.” He nods, mouth curling up in a smile. I’m relieved just at the sight of it.
Thirteen
This isn’t the first time Ben turned into someone I hate. I’m sure it won’t be the last either, but he always manages to make up for it. He’s somehow able to sense when I’m mad at him, even when I don’t say a word. To him, perhaps it’s my silence that speaks volumes.
When he first got together with Alice, I dodged all his texts until he tracked me down outside my last class of the day. “Are you avoiding me?” He’d asked in that wry way of his, with a half smile to ease the sting. I’d made up some excuse about being busy, but instead of calling me on it he escorted me to the food court and bought me an early dinner. We spent hours talking and he didn’t mention Alice’s name once, almost like he knew it was a sore point for me. When he walked me to my car, he made me laugh until I forgot why I was mad at him in the first place.
It wasn’t that he’d started dating other people that made me angry, not really. That was inevitable. I think I just wanted a reason to hate him—needed one, more like—to start the process of moving on. To escape him, not that he’s ever once let me.
On Friday afternoon, I get a text from Ben that threatens to freeze me over. I’m stationed at the circulation desk at work and unable to freak out the way I want to, not that there are many people inside the library to see me. Just plenty of security cameras. I type out a reply, and then erase every word. Choking down a groan, I reread his message and rack my brain for any possible way out of this.
Talked Theo into letting me go to Dallas with y’all. Hope that’s okay.
It is most certainly not okay, but I can’t think of a way to tell him as much without raising his suspicion. If I’m anywhere near as obvious as Theo was at brunch, there’s no way he won’t find out I have feelings for Ben. I’m bound to give something away during a four-and-a-half-hour drive in cramped quarters. I don’t even know what my tells are.
Do I laugh too hard at his jokes? Are they even funny and I just can’t tell because my feelings blind me to the truth of his awful sense of humor? Does my stare linger for a little too long? Do my hands tremble in his presence?
When I’m freed from desk duty by one of the library assistants, I walk into the back and plop down onto a seat in front of Angela’s workstation. She looks up from her computer monitor with a raised brow.
“Can you tell when I lie?”
“Talk about a loaded question.” She laughs, a great guffaw straight from her diaphragm. When I scowl, her expression turns sheepish. “Can we talk about this brilliant idea I got for the book club first?”
My brows raise of their own accord, even as my mind is still spinning from Ben’s latest text. But I relent, hoping work will be a good distraction for the moment.
“Go on. And then return to my last question when you’re done.”
“Okay.” She turns around in her chair, the wheels rattling with her movement. “The day we meet for the book club discussion, we should cosplay as our favorite YA characters.”
I let out a gasp, and then reach out and grip her shoulders. “Angela, you are brilliant.” She squeals her excitement. “Should we tell readers to dress up, too?” I ask. “The event is in two weeks, do you think that’s enough time?”
“I was actually thinking it should just be us this first time,” Angela says. “And then we encourage them to dress up next time, that way they have plenty of time to plan and prepare.”
“Good point.” I nod thoughtfully. “Now I have to come up with a costume.”
“Right, yes. Think about that, instead of—” She cuts off as I narrow my eyes at her, suddenly remembering why I came to her in the first place. “Goddammit.”
I tell her about Ben’s plan to join Theo and me on our trip to Dallas, and she winces in sympathy. Then I almost tell her about the bar kiss that led to… more kissing. I’m not sure what holds me back since she’s the one who told me I needed a rebound in the first place. She’s the person I go to for all my boy problems. Despite never having been in a relationship (or
perhaps because of it), she gives excellent advice. There’s something about getting your dating advice from an impartial source that puts things into perspective.
Only, Theo isn’t some random guy off the street. He’s Ben’s brother. I’m in the middle of the CW’s most overused subplot—a familial love triangle. At the very least, I can count my blessings I don’t have a sibling of my own to add to the plot. Although my best friend would undoubtedly know what I should do in this situation, she also won’t hold back her opinion. Angela is my best friend, and I know she cares about me. But I’m terrified of the shame that’ll come with the admission of what I’m doing with Theo.
So, for now, I hold out on her.
When she’s sufficiently brought up to speed, give or take a few minor details, I return to the question at hand. “What do I give away when I’m around Ben?”
“Does it really matter if Theo finds out you like his brother? He’s in the same situation, just reversed, after all.” My expression doesn’t change. When I don’t answer, she heaves a sigh and relents. “Well, sometimes you fidget a lot. Especially if Alice is around. You get this guilty look on your face every time she looks you in the eye.”
“Great. Love that my feelings are always written on my face.” I shake my head. “Anything else?”
