Page 4 of Loss

I walk in the door and find Shy sitting in a booth with the girls toward the back of the diner. Kinsliegh is in a highchair while Rayven sits in her car seat next to Shy on the seat. Seeing the only seats left over, I slide to the inside of the booth and Slim slides in next to me. I’m surrounded by my family and it slowly takes the remaining ache in my chest. Slim puts his arm over the back of the booth as he normally does and has a silent conversation with Shy. Their relationship is something I will always want for myself. I know it’s not easy and every day they fight for their love, but it’s the point that they choose to fight for one another. They struggle through the bad days as one and celebrate every single milestone as if it’s their first one. My parents didn’t even have a relationship like Slim and Shy.

Our waitress comes over and takes our order within minutes. I order a bacon cheeseburger, fries, gravy on the side, and a chocolate milkshake. I’m not sure what Slim and Shy have, my mind is consumed with thoughts of Vault and how much he’s changed since the loss of his dad. It’s not in a good way either. Whenever I’m left alone with my thoughts, they always turn to him. I honestly can’t wait for the day that shit stops. Vault is the last person I want to think about or see right now. The sooner it happens, the better off I’ll be.

Vault has always been sweet to me. He’s patient, kind, caring, and loving. Whenever we’ve talked, there’s been no pity, condemnation, or anything to make me feel like a child in his voice or eyes. He’s treated me like an adult every time we’re together. Vault’s also been my first kiss. No one knows about it though. Again, it’s a day I won’t soon forget because it was him and that was before everything fell apart.

We were sitting outside on the porch of the house one day. Slim and Shy had the girls at the clubhouse but I didn’t want to go with them. There are just some days when I want to be on my own away from all the chaos of the clubhouse. It’s not anything against the club members, but they’re all so loud and larger than life that it can be a bit overwhelming sometimes. So, Vault came to the house to keep me company like he normally does when I don’t show up down there with Slim and Shy. As we were swinging gently back and forth on the porch swing, I started talking to him about my upcoming school year and about my concern of the boys trying to kiss me.

I’ve never been kissed before because I would never let a boy at my old school get close to doing anything with me. They were all only about sex and fucking all the cheerleaders. I was the only one who didn’t give into their pressure so it quickly turned into a game about who could get me to do what. That’s a game I have no interest in playing because it would mean giving up on what I want in my life and letting a guy think he has any kind of control over me that I would give into his demands whether I wanted to or not.

Before I could stop him, Vault placed a hand on each side of my face and leaned forward. His lips brushed softly against mine in a brief touch. I instinctually closed my eyes as he pulled away, a tremor moving through my body. When our lips touched again, I gasped in shock and Vault took advantage. His tongue entered my mouth and tangled with mine. He coaxed mine to move along with his and I kissed him back. Vault gave me my first kiss so I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I’ll never forget the way my heart raced and butterflies erupted in my belly. What truly made the moment special for me is seeing the look in Vault’s eyes. I’ve never had a guy look at me the way he did right then. He made me feel as if I were the only girl in the world and that it was our first kiss of many.

That was the day I started to fall in love with the man. For him to give me something so special and make me the way I still do about it is a true gift. Now, I don’t know what to do about the feelings coursing through me. Vault’s so cold, unfeeling, and harsh with everyone around him. And I’m not someone he’s going to keep from that treatment anymore. Even though I don’t know what’s changed in him toward me. I’ve somehow turned into Vault’s villain and that’s the role he needs me to play. Well, I’m not going to play that game either. I’m going to leave him alone and move on with my life the way I want to. Even if my heart continues to break every single day while I do it. Eventually that has to stop.

Slim and Shy try to bring me into the conversation, but I can’t keep my head in it. My thoughts always drift to Vault and how he’s spiraling out of control. It’s like he doesn’t want to live anymore. If Hound’s not here, he doesn’t want to be alive either. My heart breaks for him. Not in pity or anything like that; in deep rooted sadness because I know how he feels. I let him in enough to talk me out of it, but he won’t let anyone get close enough to talk to him. Vault is the only one who truly knows how dark things got for me when I was rescued by the club. In fact, he's the one who found me the night I was planning on ending it all and stopped me from making that decision.

After eating dinner, we head home. I’m quiet the entire trip home. Shy and Slim talk amongst themselves during the short ride, leaving me to my thoughts. As soon as we enter the house, I make my way to my room and lock myself inside. Throwing myself on the bed, I let my tears fall. Tears for my parents and for the loss I’m feeling of Vault and the man he’s turning into. It’s not someone I want to be around. He’s not someone I want to love anymore.

Chapter Three

Vault

AFTER THE OTHER day I know I need to apologize to Annabell for yelling at her. She did absolutely nothing wrong and I chewed her a new ass. She’s only been trying to help me get through my grief; something she’s already had to do. The major difference is she has no one she trusts the way I do for her now and I have an entire club to back me up. A club that I refuse to turn to because I don’t want them to tell me I should be getting over the loss of my dad. That I should be able to start moving on and letting the pain go. Or that no matter what’s going on, this isn’t how my dad would want me to act. He would be so disappointed in me because of my actions and how I’ve treated Annabell.

Annabell lost her entire family in a matter of seconds. She has the club, Shy, Slim, and me here for her. But, when she first came here, she didn’t really talk to anyone. Annabell would walk around the clubhouse, when she chose to be there if the women were there, in silence and not let anyone get close to her. A large part of that was because of what those fuckers were going to do with her and our club is full of large men who are intimidating as fuck on a good day. Put them in front of a young girl who just lost her family and then had those same men attempt to sexually assault her and I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be scared to death. For the longest time, I was the only one she trusted enough to let in and open up to about anything. How do I repay her? I yell at her in front of everyone she’s finally starting to let in and get close to her. I’ve painted her as some pathetic, weak, villain because I can’t get over myself.

Walking to Slim and Shy’s house, I try to rehearse what I’m going to say to her. None of the words I’m thinking sound good enough or right for what I did. I am sorry for taking my anger and pain out on Annabell. Nothing I’ve done has ever truly hurt me the way that single interaction with her did. Now, I curse the fact that I’m not good with words and I don’t know what to say to make things right between us. I don’t know if Annabell honestly wants to make things right between the two of us because of how truly horrible I was to her.

I walk on the porch and knock on the door. Hoping my President isn’t the one to answer the door. I’m not ready to face Slim or anyone else from the club yet. I haven’t been back to the clubhouse since the night I yelled at my sweet Annabell. I’ve been ignoring everyone including my brother.

When I’m not out scouring the surrounding towns for any remaining men who killed my dad, I’m at Allure. I don’t fuck with any of the strippers or talk to anyone while I’m there. As soon as I enter the club, I grab a bottle of Jack and sit alone. If any of the guys come in, and I’m sober enough, I make my way to one of the private rooms to continue drinking until I pass out. None of the dancers ever come in the private rooms with me and they all know to leave me the fuck alone. I’ve gone off on more than one of them since I started showing up there every single night. Every morning as the sun rises in the sky, I’m back out on my bike and going up and down every road on a warpath. No one will take away this need to avenge my dad’s death from me.

Annabell finally opens the door and my breath catches. She looks stunning standing in front of me in a pair of shorts and a tank top as normal when she’s home and not about to go anywhere. Her feet are bare showing her painted toe nails off. She looks at me as if she’s trying to figure out why I’m here while I stare at her like a man needing a tall drink of water to hold off the dehydration consuming him. I feel fucking horrible for looking at Annabell the way I do because she’s still young. However, I don’t strictly look at her the way I do because of her looks. Annabell is an old soul and she is so much smarter than anyone I’ve ever met. She’s sweet, loving, genuine, and loyal to a fault. Like Valor, I know without a doubt I can share my secrets with Annabell and no one else will know what I tell her.

“What do you want?” she asks, her voice detached and void of any emotion.

“I want to talk to you for a minute. Will you please come sit with me and talk?” I ask her, not bothering to keep the pleading tone from my voice as I stand back and wait for her to make a decision about what she wants to do.

After looking behind her, Annabell moves out to the porch and shuts the door softly behind her. She walks over to the swing on the side of the porch and sits. I don’t sit next to her even though it’s what I really want to do. Instead, I remain standing in front of her and try to find the words I want to say to her. The silence is thick with the tension surrounding us and I’m the one who put it there. I’m the reason we no longer have a connection because Annabell isn’t looking at me the way she typically does and our long stretches of silence are no longer comfortable.

“Bell, I’m sorry I yelled at you the other day. I don’t know why I’m pushin’ everyone away and I can’t seem to stop. Honestly, I just want to be alone most of the time and not see or talk to anyone. You didn’t deserve my anger when you did absolutely nothin’ wrong. Can you forgive me?” I ask her, finally looking at the young woman in front of me as my heart stalls in my chest and I know those simple words will more than likely mean nothing to her.

“I don’t know, Vault. You’ve been there for me since I came here and I was just trying to help you the same way. If anyone knows how you’re feeling it’s me. Instead of accepting the help, you’re keeping everything inside and letting it eat you alive. I don’t deserve to be treated like that,” she answers, pain filling her voice and making her words waver in and out in a way I haven’t heard from her in a very long time.

I can’t fault her response to me; I did treat her like shit for nothing.

“I know, Bell. Can you at least think about it?” I ask her, letting my voice take on the pleading tone I’ve only ever allowed her to hear because she gets all of me when no one else ever will.

Bell is what I call her. I’m the only one who calls her Bell because no one knows it’s my nickname for her. Slim and Shy don’t even know. This is something just for us. I started calling her that when she would get upset and missing her family. Bell seemed to bring a smile to her face and I told her I’d call her Annabell in front of everyone for now and then Bell when we were alone. It’s just one more secret the two of us share.

“Vault, I already forgave you. Grief makes people lash out and not know what they’re doing. The next time, I won’t forgive you so easily. Maybe not at all,” Bell says, pain lacing her voice and I know she means those words.

“Why am I Vault to you now? No one else is here,” I question her because I’ve never been Vault to her unless others are around us. Annabell is one of the very few who have ever been given permission to use my given name because she understands what it means to call a man by his given name instead of a road name.

“Because that’s who you’re acting like. You’re not acting like Alex, the man who’s spent countless hours taking care of me and helping me through my own grief. You’re acting like an asshole and not someone I want to be seen with or know,” she tells me in her own brutally honest way that’s all Annabell.

Bell’s honesty hurts me in a way I didn’t think it would. I know I’ve been being an asshole, but to say she doesn’t want to be seen with me or know me, cuts deep. It cuts through the pain of losing my dad and makes me realize I’m going to end up pushing her too far if I don’t watch my step. Bell is honestly the only one who can hurt me besides Valor. The two of them own me and will always be the only ones I ever let close enough to hurt me the way her words have today. I won’t give that kind of power to just anyone because no one else deserves it.

“Have you eaten?” Bell suddenly asks, her stomach rumbling in hunger.

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