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The members of the Phantom Bastards have become my family since losing my own. It was just my parents and me. Neither one had any siblings and my grandparents on both sides have long since passed away. I love everyone in the club and wish I was more like them, but I’m not. Instead of living free, I let fear and nightmares rule my life. I never used to live my life that way. Before everything happened to me, I was free, naïve, and not afraid of anything. Other than if a boy was going to ask me out or not. I had a ton of friends and I was always doing something. It didn’t matter if I was out with friends, at sports or a game, partying with a small group I hung out with on the weekends to celebrate our latest victory, or anything else. My parents always supported me and kept me sheltered from the pure evil of the world. Now, I know there’s so much evil around me that it’s hard for me to get through the day without thinking someone is out to get me.
Vault used to chase my nightmares away. He’d talk to me on the phone for hours when I would wake up in the middle of the night. We’d talk about everything and nothing at the same time. He would tell me about growing up with Hound as a dad and in the club while I’d share stories of the adventures I’d go on with my parents. Eventually our talks would turn to us and what we wanted out of our future.
He would always talk to me about claiming me when I was done with high school. How we’d eventually get married and I’d give him sons and daughters. I wanted all of that with him. Vault used to tell me about the house we’d live in and what he’d teach our children. Hell, we even had names picked out. Well, he did. I’m not sure I agree with them, but that’s okay. We’re not there yet and now we never will be. Vault can name his children whatever he wishes with the woman he settles down with. Hopefully she’ll be someone who fully supports him and can give him the world like he deserves.
Shy has kept me busy since the day of the funeral. She’s taken me shopping to make sure I have more than enough clothes for the school year, gotten all my supplies, and I’ve been helping her take care of Kinsliegh and Rayven. I’ve barely had time to think about the upcoming school year, let alone Vault. I know that’s exactly what she’s hoping to accomplish, but at night when I’m alone in my room, my mind always returns to Vault and everything that has ever happened between the two of us from the very beginning. No one will ever take the pain from me and that’s okay. I’ll eventually let it dull down to nothing but a small ache in my chest until I can shove it in a box in my mind where it can no longer hurt me again.
The days I’m not out with Shy or helping with the girls, the guys have been training me even more than before. Like the ol’ ladies here at the clubhouse, I’ve taken the time to learn self-defense from the men of the club. However, that’s not where I let it end. I talked to Slim, Playboy, and Killer to train me even more than the rest of the women around me. Not only can I shoot a gun, but Killer has been teaching me how to work with knives. He’s one of the best teachers I’ve ever had for this stuff and is so patient despite you thinking he’d be the last one to have any kind of patience when he’s working with someone in something so serious. But, every day, I work with the knives and Killer told me I’m one of the best with them and if I keep practicing, I’ll be as good as him one day. It was a compliment I didn’t know I needed to hear and gave me a boost of confidence.
When we’ve been alone, Shy has tried to convince me to try out for cheerleading. It’s one of the many things I did when my parents were still alive. Not only was I on the school's cheerleading team, but I did competitive cheerleading with a team of girls that were amazing. I know the school team has already started practicing because their first game will be soon. Before, the main thing holding me back was Vault. I wanted to be there for him and cheerleading would take time away from me doing that. Now, I need to learn to live without him in my life because this is only the beginning I fear. Vault is intent on destroying anything that reminds him of his dad. There’s nothing anyone can do to help him until he’s hit his rock bottom.
As I walk down the stairs with my bag over my shoulder, I find Slim and Shy sitting at the kitchen table. They’re talking in hushed tones and I have a feeling it’s about the man I fall in love with more on a daily basis. When they see me, they break apart and I know my instincts were right. Vault is always a topic of conversation these days. I just wish they’d all stop tiptoeing around me.
“Morning,” I say, setting my bag down to grab breakfast before we leave.
“Mornin’ sweetheart. Are you excited for your first day of school?” Slim asks, a smile on his face that doesn’t reach his eyes as I take in all the pain and anger buried in their depths.
“I am,” I answer, taking a bite of my eggs as the lie makes them taste like sawdust in my mouth.
“Are you tryin’ out for the cheer squad?” he asks, taking a sip of his coffee.
“Yeah, I think so,” I say, plastering a fake smile on my face. “Shy, I’ll call you from school and let you know what happens.”
“Okay honey,” she answers, picking up Rayven and handing her to Slim. “I’m gonna get dressed while you eat.”
I quickly eat my breakfast while she’s changing so we can head out. My nerves are starting to get the better of me and I’m ready to get to school and get the day started. Shy has to come in with me while they finalize the paperwork and get my schedule to me. Then I’ll be shown around before going to my classes. Plus, I need to find time to talk to someone about trying out for the cheerleading team. If it’s even possible or if I’ll have to wait for basketball season. At this point, I might even find out if there’s a local competitive cheerleading team that I can join or check out to see if I’d be a good fit.
Today has been amazing. It didn’t take me long to lose most of the nerves that filled me with the thought of starting a new school. I’m being allowed to double up on my classes so I can graduate early. Instead of going to the end of the year, I’ll be out of high school in January when everyone else is having midterms. I think it’s because I did extra work online before starting school here. This has been a part of my plan since getting my early acceptance to college. I’ve been applying to various colleges since my junior year knowing I wanted to graduate early and I was ready to do so when my parents were still alive and I was at my old school. No one could understand why I wanted to get out of there so bad, but it’s none of their business. Now, my reasons have changed about leaving. Only a select few people know what they are and there’s no reason I’m going to broadcast them to the rest of the club because it’s my business and those who I choose to let in.
Before going to my first class of the day, I talked to Sabrina, the cheerleading coach. She agreed to let me try out since I wasn’t in school here last year. I let Shy know that I would be staying late and that I’d let her know when I was ready to be picked up. The clubhouse isn’t far from the school so it’s not like I’d be waiting forever for a ride. After performing a routine I did with my competitive cheer squad and going through the roster of jumps and other things, the entire squad and Sabrina immediately said I could be a member. Our first game is in three days and as long as I know the cheers, I can stand on the sidelines. The only thing I won’t be able to do is the halftime routine because there’s no way I’ll learn it in time. I’m okay with that because it will be the only halftime routine I miss.
Heading home with Shy, I listen as she talks a mile a minute about how proud she is of me. Apparently we’re all going out to dinner tonight to celebrate such a good first day of school for me. Well, not everyone. Just Shy, Slim, the girls, and me. The rest of the club doesn’t know anything about what I’m doing and I want to keep it that way. Playboy will be the only other one I tell because he’s my big brother. He’d be proud of me too. My brother has always encouraged me and I know he’ll support this decision like our parents. I might even call Maddie and talk to her about it. Maybe they can come down for one of my games. That would be pretty cool if you ask me. I’d love to have my entire family there for one of them. Even the kids.
My heart breaks a little more with the knowledge Vault won’t be tagging along to my celebration dinner. Before, he would be here with me now. Shy wouldn’t have to take me and pick me up from school; he wouldn’t let her. I haven’t learned how to drive yet—something else Vault was supposed to help me with. I’ll have to find out if any of the other guys will be willing to help me. Slim’s got more than enough going on right now. Playboy still isn’t home from jail. That’s one of the main reasons he’s not here celebrating with us tonight. I miss him every single day and know that it’s just a matter of time before he gets released. For now, I’ll write him a letter and let him know about cheerleading. I write to him at least once a week and have been since he got arrested. I’d ask Shy to help me, but she’s also got more than enough going on in her life. I’m not going to bother her with something so small that it wouldn’t rate on her list of things to do for the week. So, I’ll find someone else who can help me besides Vault.
I wish Playboy were here too. He’s still in jail while we wait to get him out. Sam was attacked by a man and Playboy saved her. Instead of it being ruled as self-defense, Playboy’s sitting in jail on a murder charge. Slim and a few of the guys are the only ones he’s seeing while he’s inside. When Shy and I tried to go see him we were turned away. Both of us cried all the way home before Slim explained that Playboy doesn’t want us to see him like a caged animal. I can respect his decision so I’ll continue to write to him and wait for his letters back.
After picking the girls and Slim up, we head to a small diner in town and my past comes back to get me. The only thing I can see is my parents being brutally murdered in front of me. My breathing speeds up and my chest hurts. It feels like I’m having a heart attack as I get back in the car and lean my head back against the seat. Slim leans in as I put my hand on my chest. My eyes are wide as I look up at him and see the pain filling him because he doesn’t know what’s going on so he can take the pain away from me.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, worry fills me at his gentle voice because my chest is getting tight and it’s even harder to breathe.
“I can’t breathe. My chest hurts too,” I pant out, sweat covering my body as I look up to my dad to make everything okay and take this all away from me.
“Take a deep breath and focus on me. Don’t let your gaze leave my face,” he tells me, slowly starting to count my breaths.
After a few minutes, my breathing begins to even out and the pain in my chest fades away to a dull ache. Slim never once leaves me as Shy takes the girls inside to get them out of the weather. It’s turned colder outside and there’s a slight sprinkle that’s quickly covering everything it touches. Including Slim as he sits outside of the car and helps me through whatever is going on.
“You okay?” he asks me, worry filling his features.
“Yeah. I’m not sure what happened,” I tell him honestly, shame filling me because I’ve never reacted to something so quickly like that before.
“You had a panic attack,” he states, his voice strong and steady as I listen to him. “What was happenin’ just before it started?”
“I was thinkin’ about my parents and the night they were killed,” I answer, tears filling my eyes as exhaustion hits and takes hold.
“Small diner. I’m sorry, Annabell, I wasn’t thinkin’ when we came here,” he says, guilt filling him in place of the worry I just saw.
“It’s okay. I’m gonna have to get used to it,” I answer, getting out of the car and heading toward the diner with my head held high as if I didn’t just lose my shit.
