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I nod, not able to form a proper response as the words get caught up in my throat, and before I turn into an emotional wreck, I sit back down and watch Rock and Dylan make their way up to Axel’s casket to say goodbye.
The tears are heavy in my eyes, and I quickly wipe them away when I feel his presence. It’s electrifying, like the other half of my soul that’s been missing for so long is floating nearby, begging me to reach out and grab it.
I can’t help but discreetly glance over my shoulder and watch as he walks down the aisle, but the moment my eyes reach his face, his gaze shifts and collides with mine. Then just like the very first day I met him, I become locked in his orbit.
It’s impossible to look away, and with every step he takes down the aisle, the tension between us becomes unbearable. I’ve never felt anything like it. So many unsaid words, so many emotions. Pain. Regret. Heartache. Each one of them lingers between us, crippling me in a way I know I’ll never recover from.
I struggle to take a breath, and as if knowing just how hard this is for me, he cuts away, dropping his gaze and breaking the vicious intensity.
Ezra joins Rock and Dylan at the casket, and the whole congregation falls silent as if trying to hear what’s being said, and I take a moment to trail my gaze over him. I always knew he went all out with tattoos the same way Axel did. They’re peeking out from beneath his suit, just enough to leave me wanting to explore, to see what pieces meant so much to him that he had to have them put on to his skin. Then a sick thought occurs that if I were really that desperate to know, I could just Google it, because the internet now knows him in a way I never have.
The boys begin to shift away from the casket, and as if on cue, the blinding flashes from the paparazzi invade the church.
People gasp, desperately searching for where it’s coming from before finding them with their cameras shoved up against the church windows. The boys hastily move away and find their seats, but tomorrow’s headlines have already been solidified, and there’s not a damn thing they can do about it.
Security tackles the paparazzi, and when the church finally finds just a shred of privacy, Axel’s funeral service finally begins.
His favorite songs play softly behind a montage of images and achievements, and every story told is more heartbreaking than the last. When the sound of his most treasured guitar solo fills the church, my tears begin cascading down my cheeks.
Twenty minutes in, I hear my name, and I quickly wipe my face before digging into my purse and pulling out the folded paper that I’ve written and rewritten a million times over the past week. No matter what I wrote down, it never seemed to be enough. Nothing seemed right.
Making my way up front, I take my position behind the dais and look out over the crowd, doing everything I can to avoid the one set of eyes I want to drown in.
As I unfold my paper, a slight panic hits me that my father could be in the crowd somewhere, but I push my trauma aside and do what I can to pull myself together.
I clear my throat and glance up again, my hands shaking as I try not to see the flood of celebrities, but simply the faces of those who cared about him just as much as I always have.
“I never thought I’d have to eulogize my brother,” I start, already going off script. “Many of you have known him in recent years. His band took off six years ago, and since then, he’s been the apple of everyone’s eyes, but not many of you got to experience Axel in his younger years.”
I take a breath, already feeling my voice begin to waver. “Axel was three when I was born, and my childhood years with him were the happiest times of my life, though I don’t think he ever knew that. He was always patient with me, always kind, caring, and larger than life. He never pushed me away, was never irritated by his little sister always being around, never berated or shamed me. He was my biggest champion, right up until the day he was taken from this life.”
“He—” my voice cracks, and the lump in my throat is too much to bear. Tears flow over and cascade down my face, and every remaining piece of me crumbles. My gaze shifts toward the casket, wishing there were some way it would just open up and he’d walk right out, but he’s never coming back.
“He was—” I try again, but the words refuse to come, and as I look back toward the crowd, my gaze lands on Ezra’s. There’s a brokenness there, and I know he’s feeling every ounce of my pain. He goes to get up, to help me through the final words of my eulogy, but Dylan beats him to it, already stepping into my side.
He captures my hand behind the dais and gives a gentle squeeze. “I’ve got you, Rae,” Dylan says before scanning my messy speech and picking up right where I left off.
It seems to last forever, when in reality it’s only a few minutes before I finally get to step down and make my way back to my seat, only as I pass by Ezra’s row, his hand sneaks out and captures mine. I pause, glancing down and meeting his heavy stare as a million messages pass between us.
My skin burns where he touches me, and for just a moment, I’m rooted to the spot, unable to move. I can’t look away, and as he squeezes my hand, I want nothing more than to fall into his strong arms and feel the way he holds me, feel the way he brings me home, but remembering the agony he left me in all those years ago, I drop my gaze to where he holds me, distantly noticing a familiar ring on his finger—Axel’s ring—and I pull my hand free before finally turning my back.
I can’t take it today. I can’t handle seeing him, feeling him. I need to get out of here.
My heart races as I make my way back to my seat, and as Ezra is called up after me, my knee bounces, counting down the minutes until I can race out of the church and take a deep breath.
The pain is too great. It hurts too much. How am I ever supposed to go on without Axel?
Ezra makes his way to the front, and the eager crowd seems much more thrilled about hearing his speech than mine. He clears his throat, and just like that, the Ezra show has been turned on. “Axel was my best friend and the reason I am who I am today, not that I’m exactly someone to be proud of, and yet he was. No matter what shit I got myself into, he was always right there. He had my back, just as I had his, and I’m proud to say that right up until the day he died, he was able to achieve everything he wanted, every dream, no matter how big or small.”
Ezra pauses, taking a slight breath. “He had three great loves in his life—his mom, his beautiful sister, Raleigh, and performing for our fans night after night, which was his greatest dream of all—a dream he pulled me into before I even had a chance to question it.” The congregation laughs and Ezra has no choice but to wait so he can be heard. “The day I first met him,” he continues, his hypnotic gaze shifting to me. “It was easily the best day of my life. My father had moved us to Michigan for work, and there in our new small hometown, my life changed. My first day of school, I met Axel, and within ten minutes of meeting, he was already demanding that I come home with him to start a band. At that point, I’d never heard him play, but there was something so compelling about him that I agreed. That afternoon, Demon’s Curse was born, and everything in my life somehow became so much brighter. I found my purpose, and for the first time, I felt a true love for not only music, but for these new people in my life.”
He goes on to explain their time together and how it shaped him to be the man he is today—someone who’s nothing but a stranger to me now.
His words are calming, and as his deep tone fills the church, I’m able to breathe easy for the first time since Madds pried me awake in tears.
When Ezra finally wraps up his speech and heads to his seat, another video of my brother plays. Axel’s goofy smile fills the screen, and the sound of his carefree laugh hypnotizes me. The grainy backstage footage was from someone’s phone, and the thrill in his eyes breaks my heart all over again, knowing this might be the very last time I ever see this side of my brother.
He was everything. The light in every room. The fire in everyone’s hearts, and now there’s nothing but emptiness.
