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The funeral comes to an end, and as I sit here listening to the people pouring out of the church, I’m forced to face the fact that it’s all over. I have no choice but to say goodbye to the one man who’s always been there for me, the one who never gave up, and the only man in my life who didn’t break me.
Grief bubbles up viciously, and as I cry into my hands, I try to find a way to make this any easier, but there’s no use, nothing will ever make this okay.
“Rae,” that familiar tone says, standing way too close for comfort.
My head snaps up to find Ezra standing over me, so close that I can see the agony in his dark eyes, smell that familiar scent, and see the hint of his tattoos creeping out beneath the neckline of his dress shirt.
He creeps closer, his hand reaching toward me, and I spring out of my seat, grabbing my purse as I quickly back away from his touch. “No. Don’t,” I panic, already having to deal with too much of this man for one day.
“Rae, please.”
He steps toward me again, but this time, I know better, and I turn my back and race for the exit with tears streaming down my face. “Raleigh, come on. Don’t leave like this.”
Ezra hurries after me, and just as I reach the massive open doors in the foyer, his warm hand curls around my elbow, pulling me to a stop. “Come on, Rae. You can’t leave. Just give me a second to—”
“To what?” I cry while pulling my arm free, all too aware of the people around me and the hundreds of paparazzi just a few feet away, pointing their fancy cameras at us in the doorway. “To finally give me the answers I’ve been begging for all week? To apologize for letting me find out through social media? To admit that this was all your fault?”
“What?” he says as his brows furrow. “My fault?”
“He was strung out on drugs and alcohol, right?” I demand, having heard the exact same news report that everyone else had—that the toxicology report stated that at the time of death, there were large amounts of cocaine in his system. “You know he was never into that shit before you. If it weren’t for you—if you never took him away—”
He reaches for me. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”
I pull out of his reach. “You don’t get to touch me,” I growl, the tears rolling down my cheeks in waves. I take a breath, willing myself to find just a little more strength. “Tell me what happened.”
Ezra just stares at me, refusing to respond, but the heartache in his eyes tells me exactly what I need to know—that I was right. That this world is what killed him. Whether it be drugs or alcohol, it was only a matter of time before the bullshit caught up to him, and now that bullshit has left me more alone than ever.
Heat rises inside of me like burning lava, and I find myself creeping in closer, wanting everyone else to hurt just as much as I do. “When you left, I knew everything was going to change, but I begged you for one thing. I begged you to keep him safe,” I remind him, that day so clear in my mind. “You failed him, Ezra. You failed me.”
I see the very moment everything crumbles inside of him, and he reaches for me again. “Rae.”
“No,” I whimper, my bottom lip quivering. “I’m done. I’ve waited six years for you, but I’m done. Just go back to pretending I don’t exist. It’s better for everyone that way.”
I turn away, crossing my arms over my chest, but not being brave enough to face the press just yet, I simply hover nearby as Ezra stares at me, the pain rolling off him in waves.
It’s only a moment before Rock and Dylan crowd around us, and as Rock steps into me and pulls me into his arms, I try to force a comforting smile across my face. “We’re going to have a little party in Axel’s honor, celebrate everything that he achieved, you know, stuff like that. Do you want to come?”
I shake my head and squeeze his hand. “No, but thank you. I just want to get home so I can crawl into a hole and remain there until the end of time.”
“Fair call,” he says. “But you know where to find us if you change your mind.”
Rock leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek, and not a second later, he’s replaced by Dylan, wrapping his arms around us. “Don’t be such a stranger, okay?”
“I’ll try,” I tell him, squeezing him right back. “And thanks. I wouldn’t have been able to get through that eulogy without you.”
“No problem, Rae. You know you’re like a sister to me.”
I give him a tight smile, and just like that, their security ushers the boys out of the church, and all I can do is watch Ezra stride past me, the agony in his eyes like nothing I’ve ever seen. It takes only a moment before the boys disappear into the crowd, and before I know it, Ezra is gone from my life once again.
“I hope everything was to your liking,” a gruff voice says beside me.
I glance up to find Lenny Davidson, the head of the boys’ label and presumably the man behind this big, outrageous funeral. “That’s a joke, right? Did you even know Axel at all? He would have hated every moment of this. It’s not at all what he would have wanted, but as usual, you’re too focused on the money it could have brought in and appeasing the millions of fans instead of giving him the send-off he truly would have wanted,” I say, having heard Axel’s complaints on more than one occasion. “Not to mention, your team couldn’t answer a single one of my phone calls to give me answers on how this actually happened, to the point my number was blocked. I had to learn everything online, and on top of that, when I emailed to request an invitation for a friend to accompany me so I didn’t have to face this alone, it was ignored. So no, not a single bit of this has been to my liking. Where are the people Ax and I grew up with? Where are our aunts and uncles, our cousins? Where’s the small hometown funeral by the lake? Where is the mention of him being buried with my mother?”
The tears come in faster, but I force myself to get these last few words out. “My brother is dead, and all I’m left with is a mountain of questions about how such a successful label could have failed him so badly. Where were his minders? Who was responsible for supplying his cocaine? Axel deserved so much better from his label,” I tell him. “Do better . . . because the way those boys are going, it’ll be one of them you’re burying next.”
And with that, I stride out of the church and walk away.
9
