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It seems they’re always ready for war. Their guns are holstered and strapped to their torsos, only visible when they open their jackets.
“Hey, baby,” Orion greets me with a smile as he takes his helmet off.
Cautiously, I approach his bike, and he hands me my passenger helmet. “Hey,” I manage. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones that are doing a number on my moods as of late, but I feel a bit on edge. “Picked a new spot to meet, I see.”
“It’s closer to the Interstate,” Orion says, then looks at me worriedly. “What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s never nothing when you say nothing,” Kai replies, flipping the front of his helmet open.
I let a heavy sigh roll out of my chest, prompting Drake to dry chuckle. “She’s pouting now. Nadia, what’s going on with you?”
“This!” I snap as I motion around me. “This whole sneaking around. I hate it. It’s exhausting.”
They exchange glances, their eyes darkening as they shift their focus back to me. It only serves to amplify this slow-building anxiety that I’ve been dealing with over the past couple of weeks. At first, I missed them; I couldn’t wait to see them. I was miserable without them.
Now, I’m miserable because I can’t have any true peace with them. Either way, it doesn’t work. It hurts, and my inability to come forward about my pregnancy makes everything sting ten times worse.
“Nadia, I thought we agreed that this was how it’s going to be until the waters clear,” Orion says, carefully choosing his words. “We can’t risk anyone finding out about us.”
“And when it’s all over? When Colton goes away? What, then? Do we go public?” I shoot back.
The looks on their faces tell me that’s not an option. It never was, and I never should’ve considered it. A relationship like ours would be subject to heartless scrutiny in any circumstance, with or without the threat of the Black Devils hanging over our heads.
“Why don’t we take it one step at a time?” Orion suggests. “Enjoy the now while we have it. And when everything is finally over with Colton, and we’re in the clear, well, we’ll handle that when it gets here.”
“Spoken like someone who can’t commit,” I scoff, crossing my arms. “I thought men matured more with age, and the three of you are way farther ahead in life than me, yet I’m the one—ugh, you know what, never mind.”
Kai curses under his breath. “What do you expect us to do, Nadia? Colton’s riding around, hitting our businesses, making threats, forcing our club members and associates off the road. He shot up a fucking laundromat the other day. The people we work with are terrified. They want nothing to do with us. And then there’s you. Your father would go ballistic if he ever learned about us. Imagine what he’s going to say or how he’s going to react if Colton gets wind of you, of who you are and what you mean to us.”
“Am I ever going to be your old lady? Or is that reserved for monogamous relationships only?” I reply and take a couple of steps back.
Orion notices my hesitation to put on my helmet. His brows furrow. “This really isn’t the right time to talk about commitment, Nadia.”
“Will there ever be a right time?”
“Right now, we’re trying to keep you safe,” he insists. “Why do you need to make it harder on us by discussing probabilities when we don’t even know how next week is going to turn out?”
“Oh, is that what I am, Orry? A probability?” I snap.
Deep down, I’m well aware that they’re doing the best they can with this wretched situation. But I can’t neglect my own emotions or discomfort anymore. This hurts on too many levels, and the lack of relationship security makes me nervous, especially with a child on the way.
I’m angry with myself, too, because I can’t tell them. I should. I have to. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Every day, I have a pep talk with my reflection in the mirror, practicing my lines as though I’m about to go on stage. Yet when I come face to face with these men, I lose all sense and end up frustrated.
Orion gets off his bike, his shoulders wide and heavy with irritation. “Dammit, Nadia, you know damn well that’s not the issue!”
“What I do know is that this is more than likely going to go on forever!” I reply, tears stinging my eyes. “It’s always going to be something or someone, another hurdle that keeps us from being together. And by the way, will we ever be able to be together, the four of us? How would it work? What about a family? Getting married, you know, the usual relationship stuff.”
He stills, giving me a troubled look. “Is that what this is about? Nadia, this really isn’t the best time to discuss such things.”
“Well, then hit me up when it is a good time,” I say and toss the helmet back to him.
He catches it with a muffled grunt as I walk away, headed straight for my car. I parked it across the road, and I’m anxious to get behind the wheel and drive off so I can find a place in the dark where I can just cry my heart out.
It’s about the baby. I know it. The idea of having a baby, of not knowing who the father is or how they’re going to come through for me—if they’re going to come through for me—the thought of doing this on my own, regardless of the reason. The fear of losing them if Colton Harrow gets aggressive enough to the point where my men have to draw their weapons. A stray bullet. A well-intended bullet. It could end in a second.
My life. Theirs. This future I’ve been wondering about in my head.
