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Hell, I still couldn’t get over seeing Declan and Travis together. They hated each other, and yet they each stomached each other in order to search for me. I was the one thing they had in common…besides Sabrina.
Ugh, the more and more I thought about it, the more weirded-out I became. I didn’t want to be a Sabrina 2.0. No one could replace the dead, especially someone who’d died so suddenly and purposefully. Even if she committed suicide, there was no measuring up to her. Surely Declan and Travis realized that, right?
A little nagging birdie on my shoulder asked me, what if you’re the only one comparing yourself to Sabrina now? Neither Travis nor Declan brought her up; you did. What if you were so lost in Ray, you were hardly making any sense?
Could be true, I guess. Who could know? I wouldn’t, because soon these handsome boys wouldn’t be my problem anymore, as sad as it was. I was resigned to my fate, whatever twisted fate that was.
Will’s mouth full-out grinned, and his hand finally slid off my knee. “Why don’t I believe you?” he questioned, knowing me all too well, even though he was the one I’d known for the least amount of time. The bastard knew me too well, I think.
I was about to say something more, but Dean Briggs and Declan strolled in the room, apparently done giving me privacy with Will. It was a miracle Dean Briggs let me in to see Will alone at all; he sure as shit didn’t know about the confused feelings in my heart or the make-out session we’d shared after that party.
I got up, not wanting to intrude where I didn’t belong. Dean Briggs gave me a warm smile, saying, “You don’t have to get up. I can ask the nurses for a few more chairs.” He was adjusting his tie and about ready to exit into the hall to do just that, but I stopped him.
“No, that’s okay. I need to use the restroom anyway,” I said, shrugging him off.
Dean Briggs nodded, not thinking twice about what I’d said. Declan, though, watched me with a dark stare, as if knowing that excuse was an old one. And it was—it was the same thing I’d said that night, when Will was attacked and I was hit. I needed to use the restroom, and then I’d looked up my ex’s name and found out that he was out and walking the same streets I was. It was the night everything fell apart.
I left the room, figuring I’d go find someplace nearby to sit and wait for them—since I couldn’t just go running off—but I only made it fifteen feet down the hall before Declan was suddenly at my side, stopping me.
“You’re not going to disappear again, are you?” Declan asked, cocking a brow. Ever since the other night, he’d been acting a little off, probably worried that I was going to do something stupid. I wasn’t; I was done doing stupid things, but I was resigned to what would happen.
Fighting the inevitable was impossible. You only wasted time and effort. Why bother?
“No,” I told him, meaning it, this time. “No, I…” I trailed off, not sure what I was going to say. I ended up shrugging. “It’s just hard.”
Declan was quiet for a while, staring at me like I held the answers to the universe, the answer as to why all life existed. “I know,” he whispered, “which is why I can’t lose you, too.” Since we were alone in the hall, minus the few nurses walking by us, doing their job, he felt confident and free enough to set a hand on my lower arm, his fingers trailing my wrist. “I’m not going to lose you, Ash. Do you understand that?”
As if I meant the world to him, which was ridiculous. I was just a girl, and in the end, I was nothing special. Not overly gorgeous, not ridiculously intelligent, not conniving or scheming like these rich boys…really, there was absolutely nothing special about me. In my old school, I blended in. I flew under the radar, which was the only reason why I got away with having a boyfriend who was double my age for three years. We were on and off, but still. I always ended up crawling back to him—a mistake, obviously. A huge, irreparable mistake.
Sometimes you made mistakes you couldn’t undo, said things you couldn’t take back.
“I understand that’s how you feel,” I said, biting the inside of my cheek. “But you have to know that I…I just can’t, Declan. I can’t. I can’t be with you, or Travis, or even Will. I meant it when I said I’m broken, and you all are better off without me.” I thought about suggesting he go on a dating app or something to find some other pretty blonde to occupy his time with, but with the look he gave me right now, I knew he’d never go for it.
No, somehow he was fixated solely on me, just as Travis was. Somehow I’d won his loyalty, probably by pushing his buttons when he was closed off to me, by refusing to back down. This was Declan doing the same to me, now that the tables had turned and our positions were reversed.
“You don’t get to decide what’s best for any of us,” Declan told me. Something passed behind his black eyes, and I swallowed hard, not liking the way my body still reacted to his. “We’re on the same side here. I just wish you’d tell me what side that is.”
He and Travis suspected I was hiding something—which I was, I totally, totally was—but they had no idea the magnitude of it. If I told them the truth, what would they say? What would Declan and Travis do if they knew the whole truth? Would they want me to go to the cops? There was no way they’d be able to look at me the same, which I think was what hurt the most.
I didn’t want any of them to look at me with pity or distrust. I’d never hurt any of them, at least not purposefully. This was my fault, but if I could, I would take it all back. I would rewind time just so they could be safe from Ray and his unrighteous wrath.
My heart tugged in my chest when I muttered, “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
Declan said nothing for a while, simply staring at me. I wanted desperately to wipe that sad look off his face, but short of telling him the whole truth now, which I could never do while in the hospital, with other witnesses around, there was nothing I could do. “Okay, well, when you finally decide to come clean, know I’m more than ready to listen.” He said nothing else as he spun on his heels and returned to Will’s room.
My shoulders slumped as I watched him go. I felt like I was being tugged in two different directions: my past and present, my past and my possible future. My past refused to mix with anything, and all that I’d done to build myself up since then, to prep and act like a tough, take-no-shit kind of girl, was crumbling. I was not the girl I pretended to be, nor was I the girl who’d gone willingly to that cabin in the woods.
What was I now?
A survivor. Someone who had clawed her way up out of the dank darkness of reality and breathed fresh air again. I was someone who the darkness craved to have back, and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to stop the darkness from claiming me again. This time, I knew I’d give in. This time would be the last time. Ray would win this one, this terrible, murderous game, and I was too weak to stop him again.
Would these guys help me? Would they want to? They claimed they did, but I knew what people said and what they really did were often two separate things. Actions and words rarely coincided with each other.
I heaved a sigh and turned to find a sitting area, where I’d wait for Dean Briggs and Declan to finish their visit with Will.
This life…it was hardly worth living anymore.
Chapter Sixteen – Sawyer
