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It was hard to say exactly when things got better, but they did. I might’ve been skipping classes left and right, but I was a fucking Salvatore. I could graduate from this campus without ever having to step foot inside a single classroom or lecture hall, let alone a fucking lab. Fuck labs—they were annoying as shit, anyway.
After I’d taken my first one, it was like I could see the world clearly. Which might’ve been stupid, since some people I knew would tell me I was seeing things less clearly, but whatever. You know what else helped me get clarity? Visiting her.
It was just a quick visit, an under the radar kind of thing. I’d told the nurses I was out of town when my girlfriend got hit by a car, and using my charm, I was able to get them to tell me which room was hers.
I didn’t go in, though. What would I say if I had? I didn’t want to see her body crumpled and broken from a car. I…was starting to realize I didn’t want to see her at all. Ash only reminded me of my failure, and I was not a fan of my own failures. I’d already failed Sabrina; how much more failure was I capable of?
A lot, it would turn out.
I’d just stood outside her door, peering in through the window, swearing to myself that this was it. This was goodbye. I was done with the whole Declan thing, done with my revenge. I needed to breathe some fresh air, otherwise I didn’t think I’d make it through my life. I’d self-sabotage myself so much that I wouldn’t be able to save myself or pull myself back up. No, in order for me to move on, I had to say goodbye.
That had been the point of the hospital visit, and yet, a few days later, I dreamt of her.
It wasn’t a long dream, but I’d dreamt of her, which meant I wasn’t quite through yet, as I hoped I was. Like I wanted to be.
Ash had come to me, and since I was dreaming, I didn’t stop myself from pulling her down and trying to make her mine. The whole thing was a bit fuzzy, and it ended almost as soon as it began, but you get the point. As much as I tried to say it was over, it wasn’t…which was why I had to find her in person and tell her that I was done.
If I saw her, if I stared into those grey eyes as I told her I was done with her and Declan—and Travis, by extension—it would be enough. She’d probably tell me off, tell me to go fuck myself, which, if I was honest, was precisely what I wanted her to do. I wanted Ash to swear at me, to challenge me. It was more fun that way…
No, wait. I didn’t want that.
I wanted her to accept it was over. She got me, with my pink hair and all. She’d gotten me time and time again at my parties. Kneeing me in the groin—which still hurt when I thought about it—biting my lip and making me bleed…me and her went way back, and usually it was just her getting back at me for my slights at Declan, or the girls I fucked. With Travis taping things and sending them to her, I couldn’t blame her for wanting to strangle me. Travis had only helped to fuel the fire raging deep inside of her, and there was a time not too long ago when I would’ve held my own fire, a fire similar to hers.
Now? Now I was just tired. Now it was like my life was pointless. My life was one huge wave of disappointment after another, and I couldn’t keep my head above the water anymore. If I had to give up and let myself float along in the tumultuous waves that were my life, then so be it. That’s what I’d do.
The few times I went to class, I ignored everyone. Their looks and their expressions. They saw my pink hair—the bright, electric pink had faded a bit, but the color was proving to be a stubborn one—and snickered quietly to themselves. Some of them weren’t so quiet about it. Others tried asking me if something was wrong, maybe they saw how out of it I was, but I shrugged them all off. I didn’t want to get into it.
Besides, someone like me couldn’t have real friends. These people didn’t care about me, they only cared about my name and the money attached to it. Being a Salvatore meant I would be alone until the day I died. My parents would force me to marry someone else who came from money to keep the wealth within the approved social circles, and yet I would still be alone.
Money and wealth were cursed, you see. If you had mountains of it, you weren’t allowed to be happy or to live your life how you wanted. Everyone and their brother had expectations of you, and if you didn’t meet them, you were the disappointment of the century.
I didn’t take notes when I went to class. I hardly listened, which was fine, because the teachers never called on me, anyway. And if I had to take tests or turn in papers and other homework, I’d just have my dad make a few calls. There were some sucky sides to being a Salvatore, but also a few perks. It wasn’t so wrong to use the perks, not when I was such a fuck-up to begin with.
After class, I always made it a habit to go to the nearest restroom. It was strange that I’d picked up again so quickly, even stranger my tolerance to them. Oxy didn’t quite affect me like it used to, maybe because I’d spent so long being perpetually high on them before. I had to take more than I should, but I didn’t care.
If I overdosed…no one would miss me. Just one less asshole in the world, one less jerk taking up space and ruining the lives of others. Tons of people would come to my funeral, I bet, just like Sabrina’s had been jam-packed. What a shame, they’d say, he was far too young. I was certain they’d say other things when my parents weren’t around, too. Things that were much less kind.
Was I ready to die? I didn’t know. Sometimes it felt like this life was pointless, and far too difficult. I was a fan of the easy route, which was probably why I’d regressed to the Sawyer from a year ago so quickly.
It was kind of funny, actually. I’d come into this year, my sophomore year at Hillcrest University, ready to take charge and make Declan wish he was never born. I’d spent the latter part of last year doing it, but I wanted to up the ante this year. I wanted that fool to cut himself so badly he died before the ambulance came. I wanted Declan as dead as Sabrina…but was that what I got?
No, of course not, because then something would’ve actually gone right in my life. Because nothing ever went right, because anything that could go wrong would go wrong when it came to something I had a hand in—Ash came to campus, wide-eyed and innocent, a freshman in her own league.
Only she wasn’t so innocent, was she? No, she knew how the game was played, and she played it well. Ash was not someone I’d expected to saunter onto the board with a cocky attitude and a bring-it demeanor. She was headstrong, blunt, and everything I hated in a girl. She never fell for my shit, never pretended to. Anything she did, she did only because she knew it was the best way to get back at me.
Dying my hair pink? Getting back at me for making Brooklyn do the same. Maybe that was why I left it as-is. I deserved this pink hair.
I was a horrible person, really. A reason why I had no real friends. Money pushed most people away, and my attitude pushed everyone else away. Travis was…he’d been my only friend, other than Declan. And fucking Declan was not even worth bringing up, not after Sabrina mentioned him in her suicide letter.
The bathroom I was in was a single. I had the door locked and my backpack on the sink. I reached into the side pocket, unzipping it with a slow and steady hand. My eyes met my reflection and for a moment I wondered why I was letting myself get this crazy over a girl.
But, no. It wasn’t just because of a girl and what she did to me. It was because of everything. My life, the state of it in general. My lack of friends, even if I could send one tweet about a party and have my house full within two hours. This wasn’t just because of Ash—it was because everything was so meaningless. I had nothing, and even though I was a Salvatore, if you took that last name away, I’d be nothing.
Nothing at all.
I’d gotten more, of course. My guy had changed numbers since my last contact with him, so it had taken a bit to track him down. But I did, and now I had a new supply. I’d waste my parents’ money on pills, and I didn’t even care. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
I popped out two of them, and did what I had to do before splashing some water on my face. I didn’t even dry off my face; the sun would do that well enough once I left the building. I threw my backpack around my shoulders and left, content to go home and let the time pass me by in a blur. If I was lucky, maybe I could be high the rest of my time at Hillcrest. Close my eyes and suddenly open them to graduation. Yeah, that would be nice.
