Page 29 of Loser

And as for hooking up, how the hell was I supposed to focus on hooking up when I was constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering when Sawyer or Travis would swoop in and try to use me to their benefit again? It was clear I meant nothing to them, which only made me feel prickly when my lower gut, and other parts of me, warmed when I thought about them. I shouldn’t want to see them, to talk to them, but I did.

I so did, and it so totally sucked.

Declan had been pretty quiet these last few weeks. We’d both focused intently on our schoolwork, but sometimes I’d get him to loosen up and eat with me. I’d yet to get him to leave the room and join me in the student union; I always had to bring the food back by myself, but I hoped we’d get there.

Of course, every other day I returned to the room to find something new taped to our door. A new note scribbled in red marker, or makeshift nooses. One day someone had hung a Barbie doll with some yarn and duct-taped it to the door. That had peeled off some paint, which I only assumed we’d be charged for come the end of the year when we moved out, but that would be a problem for the future Ash.

The current Ash was tasked with writing a ten-page research paper on the psychology of aging, which was something the current Ash did not want to do. Even though I didn’t often leave the room on Wednesday nights, I found myself telling Declan I was picking us up Chinese for dinner at the union. I grabbed my skateboard and headed down the stairs, skating the moment I was outside and on the sidewalk.

It was nearly seven, which was a bit late for dinner. I’d told myself I’d reward myself when I wrote half of the paper, but as you can see, it didn’t work. I couldn’t focus on an empty stomach. The daylight was darkening with each passing second, the sky turning into a beautiful assortment of oranges and reds. Hillcrest always seemed to have pretty temperate weather. There hadn’t been many rainy days yet. I knew the year was just starting, though.

The moment I made it to the union, my phone started to ring. I hopped off the skateboard, kicking the end up. As my fingers grabbed it and tucked it into the crook of my elbow, my other hand went for my phone. Helen Bonds was calling.

I kept outside, moving to one of the benches in front of the giant building, answering it with a smile, even though she couldn’t see it, “Hey, Mom. What’s up?” My mom and I texted a bit, but we weren’t hardcore about it. We weren’t one of those families that had to talk every single day, which was nice. It gave me some freedom.

“Oh, nothing, nothing. Just calling to see how you’re doing,” she said. “How’s the school work coming along? Staying on top of all of your assignments?” It was as if Mom knew I was procrastinating tonight.

“I’m actually taking a break from a paper right now to pick up dinner.” As I spoke, I watched some students walk by. They tried not to stare at me, but they failed miserably. Most everyone had heard about what happened at Sawyer’s party, and most everyone steered clear of me now, like Sawyer had marked me.

It was infuriating and very annoying, but ultimately fine. If they were so quick to follow what Sawyer had said, they weren’t worth my time anyway.

“What’s for dinner?” she asked, sounding genuinely interested.

“Chinese.”

“I hope you’re exercising,” Helen muttered. The freshman fifteen had been a horror story I’d heard for years. Considering I was on the skinny side, I didn’t think I had to worry about it too much. “How’s your roommate?”

I held in a groan. “He’s fine, Mom. Really. We’re getting along.” My mom, for some strange reason, was completely convinced Declan was going to try something with me, because all boys, and men by extension, only thought about one thing. Sex. What my mom didn’t know was that I’d already had sex. Lots of sex. Sex wasn’t new to me—but I would never tell her that, and she didn’t need to know about the whole Sabrina thing. Honestly, I tried avoiding the Declan subject anytime my mom called me.

It was a moment before Helen asked, “And has he…you know?”

I was tempted to ask her to clarify what she meant by you know, but then I imagined how cringe-worthy that conversation would be, so I didn’t. Plus, it was impossible to not know what my mom meant by you know. With that insinuating tone of voice, everybody could decipher what she meant.

“Mom, no. I swear I would tell you if he did try anything. He’s a—” I hated fibbing like this to my mom, but in this case, it had to be done. “—he’s a gentleman. He’s really nice.” He was nice, but he was off in his own little world half the time. Ever since the night of the party, he’d been putting up walls between us. He was ashamed of how he’d acted, which I couldn’t blame. He’d been kind of a dick, even if we did end the night by hugging and him saying I’m sorry on repeat.

“Just because he’s the dean’s son doesn’t mean he gets a free pass to do whatever he wants,” my mom went on, her usual rant when it came to Declan.

“He doesn’t do whatever he wants, Mom. He’s fine. Really.” Ugh. How many times was I going to have to say it? I could spend the whole year living with him without incident, and on the day of the move out, she’d treat him as suspiciously as she would someone walking out of the local department store wearing a dozen layers of clothing. I bet years down the road she’d still bring him up, holding her nose up high and muttering stuff about how she didn’t trust him.

An exaggeration, but still. For Helen, it would hold true.

“Okay,” Helen said after a while. I could tell just by the tone of her voice she didn’t quite believe me. Anyone with a dick was the devil in her eyes, no good and rotten. Based on what happened to us when I was four, when my dad ran off, I couldn’t blame her for thinking that way. “I’ll let you go, honey. I just wanted to check in. When do you think you’ll be coming home next?”

I was pretty sure we had off next Monday, but I wasn’t certain whether or not I wanted to go home. I mean, we were a month into the semester. I didn’t miss home that much. Kelsey, yes, home…sorry, but no. And there was the whole thing with making my mom drive so far just to get me, since I didn’t have a car of my own. I didn’t want to make her do it any more than she had to. Thanksgiving, Christmas; that’s it. Maybe Easter, if we had any time off for that.

“I don’t know,” I said, shrugging. “I’ll let you know, though, okay?” We exchanged goodbyes, the necessary I love yous, and then I hung up, staring at my phone screen for a while. Why did I always get a bit sad when talking to her?

Hmm. Maybe it was because this whole Hillcrest thing was not going how I thought it would. Being the only girl in a college full of guys? I thought it’d be tough, but fun. This was just tough, no fun thrown into the mix. No fun at all. Nothing but drama, drama, drama. Honestly, I hated it. If there was one thing I could do without in my life, it was drama.

I heaved a sigh, leaning my head back. The sky had started to darken, the oranges and reds turning into dark purples. Soon enough it’d turn a charcoal gray, then a black, full of small, sparkling dots, stars in the far, far distance. I liked staring up at the sky. When I started to feel like the whole world revolved around me, it was a good reminder that I was a hell of a lot smaller than I thought I was.

I sat there for a few minutes, sighing again when I got up and slid my phone into my back pocket. I headed towards the doors to the union, but my feet slowed when I saw someone smoking fifty feet away, not even in a designated smoking area. Travis was too cool to care, apparently.

He had his back to me, so he hadn’t seen me. I could theoretically waltz into the union, get the food, and leave through one of the union’s many side entrances, and Travis would never know.

But that was just plain silly, because I had a bone to pick with him. A big bone. A giant fucking bone I wanted to whack him across the head with while yelling at him.

I stormed up to him, moving silently as I could while holding my skateboard. His head was tilted upwards, the wind gently caressing his short, blue-black hair. The air around him was wrought with smoke, and I inhaled a deep lungful of it as I tapped on the back of his shoulder. He spun around, a smile on his face when he saw me.

Source: www.allfreenovel.com